I had an idea last month

First of all, I don't know if this is the right place to post this so take my apologies in advance if it isn't.


Last month I had a thought similar to the "call of the void" or "high place phenomenon". Which is when you take a step towards the edge of a bridge or a cliff wondering how would it feel to jump. Or when you drive down and consider swerving into the opposite lane to see what would happen. If only for a brief moment. Then you shudder, take a step back and remind yourself you weren't planning a suicide. You know the thing, probably.
For clearance I'm explaining it just to make sure we're on the same page, not to seem smart.

So last month I had an thought: 'What would happen if I popped my batch of (mostly expired) SNRIs and drowned it with booze?'

It felt exactly like the Call of the Void. I regained my rational thoughts swiftly and brushed it off.
Except that I didn't. For the last two weeks this idea has been coming back and intruding my mind, more often as time goes on.

And to set the record straight: I know it's a stupid idea, I'm reasonable, conscious and rational.
I'm a (clean) self harmer but I've never had a suicidal attempt and I'm not at risk of making an attempt.

I'm not losing my mind!

Hi ArchCannon

I have had these kind of thoughts before. I didn't feel my mood was that much worse than normal, and didn't have the "I want to kill myself" type suicidal thoughts, which were fairly common for me at that time. But I started seeing suicide methods everywhere, and they'd pop into my head so casually- it was like my brain was asssessing the opportunities, going "oh, I could use that, or do this, or I could just drive over this ledge, or this one, or that one..." It was scary, really scary how easy my brain saw possibilities in such mundane everyday things and sized them up. At home, at work, anywhere. For me it was triggered by some new medication I was taking at the time. I was taken off it pretty quickly, but it remains to me one of my scarier suicidal episodes for just how casually it threw things out there.

Has anything changed for you recently? Have you spoken with anyone about the thoughts and have you got a therapist or doctor you can speak about them with? Because that's scary, especially if it's continuing for you.

Hugs if you'd like some.