horrible weekend - wanted to share

this probably belongs in several others forums but since its got cutting in too i thought it was safer here.

well i went to my friends party this weekend..i was dreading it for ages before cos house parties i ALWAYS have real problems wit. im almost certain i have social phobia. i was on edge all the time. i had to try so hard to put on a front and pretend i was ok. but deep down i really wanted someone to notice i wasnt. anyway....i couldnt get through t night without cutting im afraid. when i got blood all over my clothes and the floor tho i thougt for the first time 'why the hell am i doing this', 'why am i scarring myself' and 'i wish i could tell someone'. i didnt tell anyone tho. instead i just cut harder

i wished i was dead so many times over this weekend. i wished i could just disappear. it hit me again how im really not gonna survive my next year at uni. it hit me how much i hate myself....i mean why can i not just be like everyone else? is it so much to ask just to be normal?

i was so incredibly lonely even in a room full of people.

the other thing that hit me (and has done quite a bit recently) is how other people seem fundemantally different. others are jsut naturally happy. their whole character and outlook and way of holding themselves seem so alien to me. i cant really describe it too well. others seem alive....they seem to have this fascinating happy energy inside them even if they're sitting doing nothing...u can physically see they are different from me.

something that really pissed me off was that everyone there at one point were joking about mental illnesses and personality disorders.....they were laughing about it. how could they? they dont understand. they dont get its a serious problem. i hate that nobody understands.

just needed to share all this. sorry if it doesnt make sense im not really with it this morning - im still angry/confused/suicidal/upset so my heads a bit all over the place.

I'm sorry you had such a hard weekend, ifonly! It happens and it sucks. I remember I used to see other people in a different light than my own too. I couldn't understand how they could be so alive and you're right, they seemed to emanate happiness, while I felt like I was being sucked into a black whole. I felt like I had a dark veil over my eyes.
You will survive the next year of college and you will live. All you have to do is hold on and not let go of life. I know it seems so tempting, but this is all we have. We're supposed to live and enjoy ourselves, even though that seems impossible sometimes. I am doing better now, even though not perfect. I know you can do the same. I think it would help if you analized your feelings and your past.

Hi, Ifonly,
When we are deeply depressed it does seem that everyone else is radiating happiness while we are being sucked into a black hole, as Jasmin so aptly describes this sense of alienation.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

We all tend to think in extremes...and when traumatic events happen we think that way even more. Here are some common cognitive distortions. Take a look and see if any of them are getting in your way.

1. All Or Nothing Thinking: You see things in black and white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

2. Overgeneralization: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern.

3. Mental Filter: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors the entire beaker of water.

4. Disqualifying The Positive: You reject postive experiences by insisting that they "don't count" for some reason or other. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.

5. Jumping To Conclusions: You make negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

a. Mind reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and don't bother to check it out.

b. The Fortune-Teller Error: You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already established fact.

6. Magnification (: Catastrophizing) Or Minimization: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as goof-up or someone else's achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other fellow's imperfections). This is also called the "binocular trick".

7. Emotional Reasoning: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel it, therefore, it must be true".

8. "Should" Statements: You try to motivate yourself with "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts", as if you had to be whipped or punished before you could be expected to do anything. "Musts" and "oughts" are also offenders. The emotional consequences is guilt. When you direct "should" statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.

9. Labeling And Mislabeling: This is an extreme form of over generalization. Instead of describing error, you attach a negative lable to yourself: "I'm a loser". When someone else's behaviour rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative lable onto him: "he's a goddamn louse." Mislabeling involves describing an event with a language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.

10. Personalization: You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event for which, in fact, you were not primarily responsible.
http://healthymind.com/s-distortions.html

The main reason I am fond of the above is that it is effective. In a way, depression is the result of a form of auto-hypnosis. We tell ourselves bad things and these bad things become our reality. We can retrain our minds by repetition of positive statements such as "Although I am feeling nervous I am okay, and can handle this scene." At first doing this may feel awkward, like learning to ride a bicycle for the first time, but persistance will pay off.

Ifonly wrote:im almost certain i have social phobia. i was on edge all the time. i had to try so hard to put on a front and pretend i was ok. but deep down i really wanted someone to notice i wasnt.

There were three things you could have done with this party scene:
1. Left early, instead of trying to indure an uncomfortable situation.
2. Had there been one friend at the party to whom you could have confided your unease? Were these people really friends or just amiable acquaintances?
3. Have a cellphone with you at all times, and when you are really freaking, go in a private place and call a hotline. Research in advance which hotlines will work for you, and put them on speed dial.
From your posts it is clear you are a decent, intelligent and caring person. People at the forum like you and you feel at ease among us. The next step is to emulate this scene in some small way in the real world.

thanks
jasmin u described ssing others as different really well - thats exactly it.

jasmin wrote: All you have to do is hold on and not let go of life.

these words have been going through my head a lot today....suicidal thoughts have been with me ALL day and i kept repeating this to myself, so thanku.

yeh i keep meaning to analyse my past and get bac to that other post about emotional abuse but never feel like it.

i can identify with all those distortions puma espec jumping to conclusions and should statements. im soon to start cbt so hopefully thatll help a bit.

There were three things you could have done with this party scene:
1. Left early, instead of trying to indure an uncomfortable situation.
2. Had there been one friend at the party to whom you could have confided your unease? Were these people really friends or just amiable acquaintances?
3. Have a cellphone with you at all times, and when you are really freaking, go in a private place and call a hotline. Research in advance which hotlines will work for you, and put them on speed dial.

1. it was in a diff city and i was getting a lift back with a friend the following day so couldnt. couldnt afford a train and it was at night to too risky to walk half way across a city a dont know to get to the station alone. and i dodnt want to offend the person whos party it was by leaving early.
2. hmmm..good point. id like to think of half the people there as friends cos they're the closest ive ever had. 1 person in particular i was hoping to talk to but never had the opportunity really and he wouldnt have done anything to help though.
3. ive tried a couple of hotlines many times and i never find they help.

thanks again for the replies.

Hey, ifonly. I'm happy I was able to help a little and you're welcome Now that you know there is a problem and what that problem is, change is right around the corner. But the change has to come from you. You can post and share and we will do our best to help you make sense of things. That will make you feel better. And you can post any time you feel triggered by a situation in your life and see how it conects with your abuse. There is no rush. When I came here I was holding on to life by a thread. Then I posted as much as I needed and people helped me and answered. It felt good to know that someone cares and understands and that I would always have them. I started making more friends who had been through similar stuff and I got support and offered support. Now I feel like I belong to life entirely. I get down but there is no way I would suicide. It's a very good feeling, knowing that I am safe. Once you start dealing with your abuse and you see that others care, things will get better.

Hey girl, sorry to see you've had a #######5 week.

It's easy to get jealous of people who have never had any trauma in their lives. I get angry that they have life so easy and still complain about petty crap.

But remember that even though everyone else seems so blissful and happy, you never know who is masking inner pain and turmoil... i'm sure not everyone who looks at you (or me) knows we are unhappy. We all put on fronts at some stage to protect ourselves.

For the cutting you might want to check out this site courtesy of stargazer at HW page.

http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/fself.html

I found it very interesting. Stay safe ok...

i know those feelings all to well. they have been inside of me for a long long time, and instead of facing them, and dealing with them, i used E, and coke to drown myself. self medicating, on top of the cutting. it is harmful to yourself, but you just cant stop. those people dont know what it is like to go through something so diffcult, even then people lash out at what they are afraid of, and what they cant control. maybe they even make fun of it because they themselves have problem with it as well who knows. all you know is that the feelings are drowning, and you feel as if the world is making you deaf. i am 23 years old, and still i have an extremely hard time going into work, going to school, dealing with the people i have called my friends for most of my life. i feel as if they have no idea what is happening to me, and i want them to notice. i guess what i am trying to say is that you are not alone, people out here do understand, and do want to help you, dont be afraid, the world is a big scary place, and we all have to find our little nitch in it. i am still finding mine, and you will find yours. dont be afraid of who you are, because you are in there, underneith the feelings, underneith the pain, and underneith your personal demons, you just have to wade through it all to rise above it.

Right! GT.

You DO have to wade through them, you become selfaware, you can begin to go easy on yourself. Puma 1, 2, 3 is good. If I had dreaded feelings I will not make myself go. I am always the first to leave any place. I used to chastise myself and feel bad and angry towards myself.

Now I am done jumping through hoops to make certain people happy. I come first. That might sound mean but I have tried to play the nice normal girl. HA! screw them. (they havent walked in my shoes, I am glad they didnt but I DID)

All of have the right to love ourselve, dont think less of your self and make sure you do things to build your selfesteem.