My mind is all over the place, stilllkeep wanting to end it

Edit: My AWOL due to covid mental health team is coming to see me sometime soon. I would tell them that my mind keeps going over the image of shoving a knife through my eyeball into my brain but all that means nothing much to others ugh. All they will do is fumble their words and then the same old nothing will happen i bet. That or they will think that i am not serious about it because i never get to actually ending it bar that one time i almost threw myself off the roof which half of me still wishes i went through with and the other half only doesn't agree because of my parents and my pets feeings not my own. My mind is so up and down recently for gods sake. 50/50 roulette life and death is back in my head oh joy

Nothing gets done about me going crazy inside my own head because I always never get to ending it without aborting it because ######6 reasons so i just get crazier in time but crazy enough to override my survival instincts ###$.Just why does one last 1 year or more without thought out thoughts of suicide and then your mind just goes back to it because you lost interest in some escapism activity of yours. Sure I never stopped having the vague idea of being dead probably by suicide but nothing changes in my life so there is no trigger really because boredom doesn't always cause my mind to go haywire thinking of ways to murder myself. I swear my mind isn't normal and all that surely.

My brain wants to do it so bad for no real reason, it's just like like well your past has been $#%^ enough (in our opinion) that we thought we would activate try to figure out how to properly die mode and now even avoiding your issues around interacting with society isn't"t enough to withdraw from this mode so deal with it. I have never wanted to voluntarily continue my life though since this all started occuring to me so what is recovery? Continuing the cherade of escapism is it? I have exhausted that mostly yet the idea of anything else seems impausible to me.

I despise continuing prolonged use of my body and mind. Continuing life is a farce and death is an escape from my state that to me seems like an imposter that's wants to escape the body it's in and replace it with eternal slumber. I have never touched even the slightest corner of what my mind would consider living for that isn't others. Without finding that, there is nothing for me and I can't recover from whatever it is that pepertuates my state of mind.and ruins the little joy of living I had.

My state of mind is forever changing and it is impossible to satisfy it or change it and it just tires mefurther. I can keep myself alive sure but that is all there is to that and that just keeps me in limbo and it feel like an endless purgatory of thoughts in my head no thought dies but positive ones which are rare in the first place. I have been in mental hospitals twice or so, there have nothing said about my problem symptoms of sorts and I have no diagnosis but depression and autism.

I don't want to put this on my mum and dad but ###$ my min keeps going all over the place and nothing i or others can do about it medication wise or anything.

I am sending you healing thoughts, for I have been there and still visit at times.
The thoughts still come, but I remind myself that I do not want to hurt (fill in the blank), it has changed for me throughout the years and for the last 20 something it has been my son.
It is a battle everyday, I refuse to let my head win.
I hope that you can find something to live for even if it is only cornflakes for breakfast.
Pammie

Good thoughts from me, as well.

I'm OCD and have wrestled with thoughts of harming myself and others for over four decades. I sympathise on how those thoughts can make a person feel. Also, anxiety tends to make my mind drift towards the suicidal- even so I know I don't want to do it; i just want to escape my anxiety.

For me, the best reason for staying alive, is Life. Acc'd to my theology, I only get the one shot at it (believe me I'd prefer Reincarnation), so it is a precious thing, no matter how I happen to feel about it, at any one time.

I'm glad you have a mental health care team. Be sure to tell them what you think, and trust them if they think this is important, or not. Always contact someone or a hotline right away, if it begins to feel overwhelming. There's only one You. That You is going to matter to someone, even if it doesn't feel like it.

Snaga,

"Tell someone today that you love them; for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon; for Life is also terrifying and confusing."

Thought I would scream the following at you...
qa parHa qu'

I hope you find it as funny as I do.
KC