Why do I do this ?

Hi, so I'm kind of concerned about myself.

I've been living what I think is the worst part of my life since September 2017. I don't know how to get out of it, I don't even know if I will.

Everyone says "it gets better" but I've never experienced anything like anyone ever, so I might be an exception again.

A few days ago, I started self-harming by cutting myself. Ever since, I can't stop doing it and thinking about it. Every morning, when I leave home for class, I think about the time I'm gonna get home to do it again.

What gets me confused is that I am not even suicidal. I mean, I know I don't want to die, but I keep doing this, like it's a drug or something. I don't want to talk about it to my friends since I find it way too embarrassing, and it's awkward since I have to hide my arms due to the still bleeding scars on it. I am so confused. I know it is the biggest cliché but I feel like this kind of thing *only* happens to teenagers and I'm 22. I must be wrong, I can't be the only one and I know the media depicts it kind of badly.

How does this happen ? Why do I feel the need to do that since I know for sure I don't want to commit suicide AND it's not for attention since i don't expect anyone to see it ? i don't know, maybe you will

Thanks for the help

Hey there and welcome to the forums!

You're definitely not alone!

I'm in my fifties and while I had a mild history of self-harm earlier in my life, I came to PF on account of self-harm that I didn't start until my late forties..... I began with hitting myself, and it progressed to inflicting burns on myself.

I'd say while I'm on the old end, most the folks in this forum are past being teenagers, though they may have started as teens.

You mention this being the worst time of your life... is it depression? Anxiety? Both? (the two are often comorbid) Mine started from feelings of remorse and guilt and anxiety.

I'd say most the folks on here keep it secret from at least some people- while I think a lot of us see the marks of self-harm as a way of wearing what we feel inside, it's not necessarily something we want to draw attention to. Most of us at least say that we don't want to draw attention to ourselves- indeed, at my peak of self-harm, I backed down greatly on the frequency and amount precisely on account of I was starting to draw attention to myself.

You sound fairly typical, if you ask me.... I self harm for all sorts of reasons (on the occasions I still do)- remorse, anxiety, feelings of disassociation, the need to feel something (the last time I burned I barely felt it), sometimes even just because I'm dragging and feel as if it'd be an energy boost....

I think you've also accurately described the addictive nature, when you talk of thinking forward to the next opportunity. It can be a terribly addictive habit. I reckon part of that may be the endorphins released, also if you tend to be easily hooked on habits (I am). For a while, burning was my standard 'go-to' thing to do for momentary relief.

Also I think you're normal in not feeling suicidal- I think a lot of us either don't have suicide ideation at all, or if we do (I do) it's not something we think we'd really do- I know for me, it's mostly just a desire to escape from circumstances. I don't think it's at all unusual that you'd be hooked on self-harm, without the desire to kill yourself. I know for me, self-harm became a coping mechanism, a way of release and of momentary feeling better.

Any of this sound as if you relate to it?

Self harm isn't about being suicidal. It's a coping mechanism that many of us choose to do when this become unbearable. Sadly it becomes addictive and we end up the cycle of self destructive thoughts. We feel bad, or something happens and we can't deal with it. We self harm and get temporary relief. We then beat ourselves up for doing what damage we did. Then we start the cycle all over again. Do you have support? Friends, GP, counsellor or anyone you can reach out to. Finding other ways to distract from self harm can help so as writing things down, running, cycling, swimming, dancing, singing as loud as you can, playing squash, hitting and kicking a pillow, the list is endless. Have a look at the thread about distractions. Different things work for different people. I find colouring or word searches help focus on the here and now because you are concentrating on what you are doing in the present.

It's important if not more important to be kind to yourself after self harming. Many of us forget to do this. Take care of the wounds. Get help if they are bad, but also forgive yourself for doing what you do to yourself. There is a book called 'a bright red scream' written by an author who used to cut (I can't remember her name just now). She used to post on a different forum (NSHN) and for me her boo helped me change how I hurt myself.

I don't know if any of the abouce makes sense or if it will help at all. Just know you're not alone and it's not just teenagers who cut or hurt themselves. Like snaga I'm getting on to, but not as old as him (sorry snaga)

No it's okay I'm getting used to being older than most on here....