(Triggering?) advice needed about self harm

This might take awhile to get to the point so sorry in advance I guess. Umm so this would be my first time actually speaking about anything so I'll start with how long I've been self harming and why, maybe? Ive been SH for about 8 years now minus 3 months where I tried not to. SH..... helps me breathe in a way, if that makes sense. Sometimes I feel like I need to wake up or like I'm numb (?) other times I want to stop feeling everything so extremely. im not going to go into detail about my life but for those past 8 years starting from age 9-10, I am now 19,I have believed that I would always be alone, Yes there's people I consider my best friends but I'm still alone. Im quite literally worried that I'm incapable of loving someone and In turn of being loved. I want to love and be loved, I want someone to hold hands with without feeling like there's a brick wall all around me. Im tired of the self hate but that's all I can think of. when I turned 17 I was dating this guy for about a year and basically stuff happens he was controlling, didn't want me being friends with guys or other certain people, at one point wouldn't let me go home, he was intensely insistent if you get what I mean, but that was my fault for being weak and saying yes but that doesn't make me feel any less tainted. After it ended anything sexual made me feel sick and I've slowly gotten over this, I think, but it's been 2 years now and my best friend said he likes me and has for a while and I feel the same but I'm worried about my body because I feel as if he will be grossed out by the many flaws that I see and the scars cause there's a lot on my hips that haven't faded and a lot on my wrist that have faded but are slightly visible? Sorry if that was so long I just had to get that out.

I understand sometimes you just need to get things out and say the words that no one wants to hear hope you are feeling ok