why do i self harm? need help

hello everyone,

i thought this would be my first time posting on this forum, but it turns about i already have an account from ages ago that i forgot i made... so ignore the cringey username.

so i'm a bit confused about something, and basically i just need advice, if that's ok.

so a few months ago (around may i think) i started self harming. it wasn't that bad at first, just a few scratches here and there. it was during a bit of a rubbish time. i was in the middle of my exams, i was feeling quite anxious in general and i was constantly ruminating about various scary things. i felt sort of tired and zoned out all the time. i would self harm because it calmed me down and made me feel... sort of grounded and more real if that makes any sense? my parents had gotten me to start therapy before this (because of how anxious i was and how it was distracting me from my school work).

anyway, since then the whole self harm thing has somewhat escalated. it went from scratching to cutting, from every week or so to almost every day. and the problem is i really don't understand why i'm doing it. i know why i started, but lately i feel so much better than i did. i mean, everything is going well. i don't feel nearly as anxious anymore, generally i feel quite calm and focused. in fact i think i'm happier than i have been in a long time. my university application is almost done, i'm going to submit it probably in the next couple of days and my predicted grades are quite high so i'm sure i'll get at least one offer.... but i still cut myself.

every time i feel even slightly worried or sad about something, i do it and it automatically makes me feel better, like i'm in control of things. sometimes i do it when there's nothing particularly bothering me. i would'nt exactly call myself addicted either. i don't feel like i have to cut, just like i want to. and then before i know it i have, and i'm staring at my arm thinking 'why did i just do that'. it's very confusing.

anyway i'm writing this because i had a bit of a moment earlier when i was looking in the mirror, and it sort of dawned on me that the scars i've inflicted on myself might not ever go away. i have quite a few- they cover pretty my entire left forearm, a few on my upper arm, some on my right arm and a couple on my leg. they make me feel so unbelievably guilty. i mean, i'm healthy, i go to a good school, i have everything i need. i'm not depressed. i feel pretty much ok for the most part. so why am i messing up my own body? i don't even have a good reason. these scars might still be there in ten years time, and i won't even be able to look at them as 'battle scars' or whatever because most of them weren't made when i was very distressed, just when i was feeling a bit low, or lonely, or bored, or a bit worried about something, or just neutral.

it did occur to me that maybe on some subconscious level i'm doing it because i want a reason to stay in therapy. that sounds ridiculous, but the thing is i quite like having someone to talk to. i find it so reassuring. but i feel like i don't really need it any more because i feel so much better than i did. sometimes i worry that maybe i'm doing it for attention, even though i've ever told one person and i wore long sleeves for pretty much the whole of summer. but i suppose there was a part of me that enjoyed the sympathy i got from that one person when i told her.

i would really appreciate any insight anyone might have. i really just don't know what's going on with me :/

please can someone reply. i'm actually quite worried about this. i have been having some really bizarre urges and i don't know why. i don't know what's wrong with me

Hi worrier

I don't know if I can offer much help, but I feel I can relate to some of the things you said. Like when you say:

i mean, i'm healthy, i go to a good school, i have everything i need. i'm not depressed. i feel pretty much ok for the most part. so why am i messing up my own body? i don't even have a good reason. these scars might still be there in ten years time, and i won't even be able to look at them as 'battle scars' or whatever because most of them weren't made when i was very distressed, just when i was feeling a bit low, or lonely, or bored, or a bit worried about something, or just neutral.

Sometimes when I read about people's self harm and related life problems it makes me feel bad about my self harm. My life is pretty good and if I told my parents about my SH I think they would be very supportive.

I wonder if a big part of why you keep self harming is because it's a habit. You say do automatically and don't feel like you have to cut. I find if I do any regularly for long enough it becomes a habit.

I don't think doing it because you want a reason to stay in therapy is ridiculous at all. (I think part of the reason I haven't tried to stop SH yet is because I like having a problem). Maybe they can help you work out why you self harm and help you stop.

Hope you work out what's causing this and how to stop.
Galois

You hit the nail on the head

worrier42 wrote:every time i feel even slightly worried or sad about something, i do it and it automatically makes me feel better, like i'm in control of things...

There is so much in this world that we don't have control over, that often, self-harming is a way of taking back that control. It reminds us that, even over something as globally insignificant as whether we put a slice in our arm or not, WE are in control of what happens - nobody else. The President can't make you want to do it, the Pope can't, nobody can, just you.

[Trigger Warning here]
Also, as you mentioned and Galois pointed out, it gives you an excuse to stay in therapy, which gives you someone to talk to. A therapist is someone you can talk to about things you'd never say to any one of your friends, no matter how drunk you were. When I was leaving my DBT today, the course leaders strongly advised me to go talk to my therapist on the way out (she's in the same building), as they noticed I was visibly distracted all through the class. I did, and told my therapist that for pretty much the entire day, I had been in what I thought was an unprovoked suicidal mood. At work, I was researching wills and writing goodbye letters to friends.

Could I have told that to a buddy? Not a chance. My boss? Hope in hell. Who could I talk to about that, without them freaking out on me? Certainly not the parents - they'd have had me in hospital ASAP. I just needed someone to talk to, that's all. I won't say I'm out of the woods, but talking with her helped.

Granted, not every need to talk a therapist is life and death like that, but they're all equally personal. I just wish that more people were able to talk to therapists without the stigma of mental health attached to the whole process. It'd make a lot of lives a lot better, I'm sure.

Can't really say what it is specifically for you, but can be habit, can be lack of control, can be a need to ground in the body. Also have used it to cover up some overwhelming emotions, or to break out of an emotional numbness.

For a while it was the only coping mechanism used, but that's changed over the years. If you're hiding it then it doesn't make sense that it would be for attention.

Hey.
you posted a while ago so i dont know if my response is still relevant, but I just wanted to say couple things. First, it is a very important that you have realized that cutting is a problem. That itself is a step towards recovery and you should be proud of yourself that you are admitting the problem instead of denying it or seeking for excuses. I understand that it is very frustrating that you cannot find the reason why. Perhaps keeping a sometime of log would help to track the feelings and environments that trigger the self harm ?
Please post to let me know if you are feeling better? take care

I’ve just managed to log back in and rediscover this thread. Almost three years on and I’m covered in a bunch of (now white but still very conspicuous) scars and I just feel so ashamed of what I did. I don’t know how to accept it. Can anyone shed some new light on the subject