New here, need advice. **Trigger**

**Trigger warning**

Hey everybody,

I am new here and I need a little advice...

I began self-harming about a month or two ago, maybe three, but I don´t really harm myself in the usual way, burning or cutting. I have had the strangest ways **mod edit** Oh yeah, probably good to mention too, I have started collecting glass for quite some time now (read: 4 to 6 weeks). Everytime I see a piece of broken glass outside that looks cool in my opinion, I pick it up, take it home, rinse it and keep it with the rest. Sometimes I then use that glass to harm myself, even though it´s not the initial reason I collect it. I pick up pieces that are so dull you can´t even hurt yourself with too, but anyways.
I do this because I became unhappier lately, crying myself to sleep almost every night and just not being satisfied with anything at all. I don´t think other people think I am attractive or that I do good in this world or that I am of use. I started to notice how my friends got more compliments than I did so I started counting. Friend A got 27 compliments in the timespan of a month, friend B 43 and friend C 59. Me however, I got 8. That makes you feel so less valuable...
I become angrier with myself everyday and I am feeling more and more as if I really am useless. I don´t feel of importance to anyone. Not even my parents or my closest friends. By hurting myself I snap out of that sorrow, anger, uselessness and get to feel pain. Even though pain is not considered to be a nice sensation, I think it´s a hundred times better than any of those previous emotions...

Still, I don´t want to ruin my body and have people see what I do to myself. I want to be able to stop. Can someone please help and give some advice?

Thank you in advance.
-Fin

hi Fin

Welcome

From reading your post it sounds like you have got quite a lot going on here with the self harm, plus your self esteem does seem on the low side from what I can see and also the collecting glass thing. That is an awful lot to be dealing with. I am glad you joined the forum and I hope we can help support you I do think that it would be an important thing for you to seek some professional help too - hopefully to prevent things from escalating further for you. What do you think about that? Is it something you are in a position to do?

Please keep talking and keep safe

Hugs

Cracked

Thank you so much! I cried instantly when seeing this, you are such a kind person.

Seeking professional help is not something I am comfortable with doing. I´ve searched mutiple therapist but I never felt comfortable with any of them :/

I had a fight with my mom just now and I don´t know if this counts as selfharm but I tied my usb cable to my neck, tightly... I fear people at school tomorrow are gonna see a line

Fin-ishingTouch wrote:Thank you so much! I cried instantly when seeing this, you are such a kind person.

Seeking professional help is not something I am comfortable with doing. I´ve searched mutiple therapist but I never felt comfortable with any of them :/

I had a fight with my mom just now and I don´t know if this counts as selfharm but I tied my usb cable to my neck, tightly... I fear people at school tomorrow are gonna see a line

Hey

Huge hugs

In terms of professional help please continue to consider it at least as I think you are in a place which will be difficult to get out or without help from and professional. More hugs <3

I am extremely concerned about what you have done with the cable. I know you probably wont want to do this but it is really important you go to the ER/A&E if you are feeling bad enough to do that. It does count as self harm and it is very dangeous. It can cause a lot of serious damage or worse - and even if you dont mean to you can end up becoming seriously unwell or worse. Please seek some urgent help given how bad you are feeling and what you did. That is super important. Can you keep us posted please?

Please keep safe <3

Huge hugs

Cracked

So I burned myself today and yesterday... My mom and I were fighting and I just wanted something else to feel and think about. I´ve burned myself with a lighter on my hip and the side of my calve. They´re not big, but they did hurt.

Also, lately I´ve been panicking everytime I see an ambulance, because I am afraid my dad is in them.. He has heart issues and I always worries something happens as he lives alone and if something happens real quick he could be dead without anyone knowing it. It scares me.

(((Hugs))) and welcome to the forum, Fin!

Yeah the USB cable kinda counts, yeah. I used to do things like that when I was young, wanted to choke myself or something. That's not good, please be super careful about that, okay?

Be careful with the burning, Hon. I'm a burner, myself. Burning can get very out of hand very quickly with something like a flame, okay? The tricky thing about burns is that your skin does not instantly respond. It's very easy to burn yourself worse than you've intended, and by that time it's too late. I've frightened myself more than once, with a burn that got out of control.

The bad thing about sh, besides the obvious, sweetie, is that it's just like a drug. I don't even tease myself with a little burn. After a certain point, there's no such thing as just a little self harm. You get to where you don't feel it and you have to do more, harder. You don't want that.

Hi Fin

I'm sorry you have found yourself in a position that has led you to feel like self harm is an option. Does your dad having health problems lead to you feeling like self harming? It sounds like you are very fearful about him being ill and going to be poorly.

I was wondering about what you said in your first post that all your friends have more compliments given to them than yourself. I was wondering if you measure the compliments given to them the same way you measure the ones paid to yourself if that makes sense. I understand that having a low self esteem can have a huge impact on how you feel.

I also wondered if you are at school or college if you have someone there you can talk to about whats going on and how your feeling?

Let us know how you are doing

Restored

Hey Restored, I kind of panic whenever I see an ambulance cause I think my dad is in it, and when I then self harm I calm down because I focus on something else.

Those compliments I do measure the same but maybe I don´t see it the same way sometimes. That I count small compliments when they are given to my friends cause I notice then but not when they´re given to me, I don´t know.

I do have someone to talk to. Two friends and my mentor know I self harm and are helping me.

I am trying to stop. Whenever I panic now, I run to my brother for comfort cause he knows I panic when seeing an ambulance. Or I try and go play piano or watch a movie or something. Something else to focus on.

You get truly hooked on it and it's amazing the calming effect that self harm can have, but it's so temporary. Good work on getting to find other activities to focus on, and also seeking comfort from your bro. Big hugs!