Coping With Scars

I wasn't sure which forum would be best for this. I was afraid it might be very triggering in some of the other forums, and since it can apply to multiple different disorders, I was also afraid of stigmatizing. I know this is the cutting forum, but in the end I figured maybe people here can relate better than anyone else.

I haven't cut in over half a decade. I shifted to hair plucking several years ago as an alternative when I need to just zone out for a while. So I no longer experience the struggles that many of you face. However, I did cut at multiple times throughout my teenage years.

My left arm has several scars, some of them a bit noticeable. Some of them are lower down and on my forearm, making it harder to conceal.

I have to wear long-sleeves at all times for jobs, even during hot weather. When I worked as a CNA in a nursing home, I had to wear long sleeves under my scrubs, which caused me to overheat a lot. I also had to always worry about getting stuff on the sleeves because I couldn't roll them up.

Honestly though hiding the scars for work is the least stressful scenario. It's worse when it comes to my personal life. Of the times I can remember dating, I was always very unsure and terrified of when and how to go about letting a potential partner see them. It wasn't like I could hide it forever if we were ever going to be intimate. Making friends feels just as intimidating with it, although I tend to approach like I really will manage to just hide it forever.

But it's something I am always aware of in the back of my mind, making sure people never see the scars.

I think it's mostly because I'm afraid people will judge me. Heck I know that in some cases, people definitely will judge me, because well, people.

I don't want them to think that I am crazy. I am afraid they will instantly assumed I have BPD, for example. That kind of makes me feel like I can never fully move on from being BPD or having strong traits/tendencies, because my scars will always prove that I used to be a cutter.

I also don't like people seeing proof that I used to be that weak. Of course please note that it's my impression of my former self that I was very weak; I'm not trying to call any of you weak for cutting. That's just how I felt about it and myself. I don't want people to see my scars and think, "She's unstable" or "She can't handle life" or anything like that.

Sometimes I hope that my scars can prove that I used to cut but now I don't anymore, so I am stronger now and I overcame something, but I don't think most people would see it that way.

But I feel judged all the time because I hide them all the time. So even though I try not to let other people get the chance to judge me by seeing them, the fact that I hide them all the time just makes me feel judged all the time anyway.

Like nobody would hire me if they could see my arm, nobody would date me if they saw my left arm, nobody would want to be my close friend unless they had scars, too, so they would be able to understand.

Maybe some of all of this is a bit irrational, but honestly I don't think most of it is.

I can't even remember what I was reading, I think it was about a relationship and asking for advice, but in the comments someone said something to the effect of, "If she has scars on her arm that means she's nuts, run," and it made me wince. Sure I might be a little nuts, but it's not because I have scars. If I am ever totally healed I will still have these scars.

It really bothers me that they will never go away. They will always be there to remind me of all sorts of things, and I will always have to worry about other people seeing them. It's almost like in some weird way I can never be forgiven or something, which is probably just melodramatic but it's how I feel.

Anyway I just wanted to post about this somewhere. If anyone else struggles with this I'd be interested in reading your thoughts, as well.

For some jobs, covering up is almost a requirement. For other jobs, it is not. Depends on the type of work you do. Of course, it is never a bad idea to cover up at least for the interview, and even perhaps through the probationary phase.

My ex wife used to ask me about my scars (which were already 10+ years old at that time), and I just lied. Sometimes you have to with some people. I blamed it on a "job" I had in the past. I doubt she bought it, but with some people you cannot tell the truth, or they'd be gone the next morning. In fact, she couldn't let the subject go at times. She HAD to know why, and only because she was gathering up more ammo to leave (long story, but people have to justify leaving a marriage to their family and friends, and will often 'fabricate' things to remove themselves from feeling any guilt).

The important thing to know, is that there are people out there that understand, and won't actually push the matter. Look at it this way... If it doesn't affect them, why are they so concerned? If people are concerned about things that do not affect them, I have learned that these are people that you don't really want around you anyhow. They bring nothing but BS in the end, since that is how they live.

I have a handful of scars. Some of them are self-inflicted although not from "cutting." They are from living a full life, including many adventures and some misadventures. I am not ashamed of them and do not hide them, and it is rare that anyone asks me about them. I tend to think that only rarely are those who ask judging me. Often their reason for asking is all about themselves and/or a loved one, and has nothing at all to do with me. For example, some of my scars are surgical, and people who ask me about them tend to follow their questions with a personal disclosure about having had or needing to have a similar surgical procedure.

Do you see? Often the looks and questions are not about shaming or stigmatizing you. They are an attempt to connect with you, to share themselves with you. Often the other person is wanting for you to give comfort, reassurance, or validation. Even when the other person's attitude is negative, that usually reflects fear they have about themselves or a loved one; it still isn't about you.

I think it's a good idea to hide your scars at work. In my experience the less your employer knows about your physical and mental health the better.

Otherwise I think you're too concerned about how others will react to your scars. You can't really predict how others will react, you're imagining the worst, and you might be missing out on some really good friendships and relationships.

I do hide my scars from co-workers, strangers, and some other people, not out of shame, but because they are personal to me and I don't want those people in my personal life. There are some people who know about my scars and have seen some or all of them. You can't make them a big secret that you have to reveal to the other person. That could easily result in an awkward or disastrous moment.

Think about how you would want to find out about a physical abnormality or problem from a friend or potential lover. Would you want it to come up as a part of a natural conversation or as a big reveal that the person is obviously ashamed and anxious about?

Yeah I am sure a lot of my anxiety about them is unwarranted. This was a topic I did on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet Una+ shared with me, as well. So I understand that a lot of my anxiety comes from how I view the scars, which in turn makes me very anxious about how other people could view them. The awareness does help a bit but it gosh it still blows.

I don't think the anxiety about it is unwarranted- I think that anxiety is likely there for most people who have visible self harm scars. Not knowing how people are going to react can be very anxiety provoking.

CopperMoon wrote: So I understand that a lot of my anxiety comes from how I view the scars, which in turn makes me very anxious about how other people could view them.

I think that's totally understandable. I have found that offering others the cue on how to behave about it has helped. If they've noticed, they're "just some scars I have" and not offer anything further on the subject- unless I wanted to disclose something. Sometimes with a "its something that happened a long time ago". If I close that part of the conversation off like that, people generally take that cue and move on to another subject. If others choose to judge me for it, then that is their issue, not mine. It has taken me a while to reach that way of thinking though.

CopperMoon wrote:I also don't like people seeing proof that I used to be that weak. Of course please note that it's my impression of my former self that I was very weak; I'm not trying to call any of you weak for cutting. That's just how I felt about it and myself. I don't want people to see my scars and think, "She's unstable" or "She can't handle life" or anything like that.

Sometimes I hope that my scars can prove that I used to cut but now I don't anymore, so I am stronger now and I overcame something, but I don't think most people would see it that way.

I don't think it's that you were "weak" I think it's that you had a lot of difficult things going on in your life and didn't know how to deal with them in a better/healthier way. Everyone has a limit to what they can cope with. The fact that they are scars, not cuts, says it's something that happened in the past, rather than that it's happening the here and now.

If you want to try rolling up your long sleeves just a little bit, then go for it. Perhaps start with one or two people who you feel it'd be safe to do around- you might even start with just rolling them part way up your forearm.

CopperMoon wrote:I can't even remember what I was reading, I think it was about a relationship and asking for advice, but in the comments someone said something to the effect of, "If she has scars on her arm that means she's nuts, run," and it made me wince. Sure I might be a little nuts, but it's not because I have scars. If I am ever totally healed I will still have these scars.

I think those sentiments are made by people who have absolutely no understanding of MH issues at all and who quite often, are on websites which do an awful lot of "BPD bashing". Personally I find them very triggering places that are best steered clear of.

Feelings are never unwarranted. They are information about your current state. They have meaning and they deserve respect. They deserve far more respect and attention than most thoughts deserve.

Frequently, negative feelings are a reflection of negative thoughts. The problem is that so often the negative thoughts are based in the past, not in the here and now. Change the thoughts, and feelings improve.