*TW*/Venting: Very Sporadic Self Injury & Hopelessness

Hello. First post and all that. First attempt at trying to suss out all of this. Okay.
TW for methods of self injury, I wouldn't go into too much detail however I feel like it's kind of pertinent... ?






So, I'm 23 years old and my history with self harm has long periods of dormancy. I suppose I started cutting when I was 14 or so and that didn't last more than a year or so and all forms of SI stopped. When I was 18 or so I started to bruise/flagellate myself on incidences of high stress, this has been going on up until last year or so. In this last year or so, I've been inflicting myself with 2nd degree burns. I've done this four times in 2014. So for me, that's four days of self harm and over three hundred days with absolutely no inclination towards injuring myself. It feels absolutely hopeless because I never know what is coming around the turnpike...

Things at work are really, really hard right now and I am reaching my limit. Most of this is out of my control. To some extent, I feel like this is good news. All my previous jobs have never had such high stakes or felt as important, I feel like I am making a difference in my work but this all means that when I slip up I REALLY slip up. Until now I would say that my job has benefited me very much psychologically but now it is starting to take it's toll. My last two self harm episodes were spurred on by work related stress.

I'm so embarrassed about my problem but I don't know how to stop when the problem occurs so randomly and outside of scenarios that I can predict. I've never dealt well with stress... I first got shingles when I was 14 years old... I just can't cope with it. I guess I'm your classic control freak. I'm making an effort to practice mindfulness... It's not doing much good so far, lol. I don't have any support system in real life, no one knows about this and this is the first time I've tried seeking help online for very many years.

Psychiatry has burned me (figuratively) in the past and I'm reluctant to see a psych again even though I realistically know that is the best option for me. I have health insurance for the first time in years, although it still doesn't afford me much. I know that I can't do this all on my own but that feels like my only option.

I just don't know what to do. I don't event know if I am looking for or willing to listen to good advice... I guess I would just like to know people are listening, because no one else has for so long. Maybe I just need to vent. Or to know people are in similar situations. Even if nothing comes of making this thread, that feels rather nice. Just having it all out there.

Thanks for reading.

Hi honeytree, welcome to the forum

Thankyou for sharing with us. I'm sorry you're finding things so difficult and that you're harming yourself. Are you safe? Is the time inbetween harming resisting urges, or just not feeling urges? Are you able to work out what some of the triggers for you are? I'm sorry you don't have a lot of other support around you.

With work, do you have any holidays or leave saved up that you might be able to take some time off with to recharge a bit? I find work related stress a big issue too.

I do understand well about having being "burned" by psychiatry. I walked away from any kind of help for a period of a few years because I was so over it- I'd met some very poorly qualified people. In the end I decided I had to do something. I did it on my terms- I decided I wanted to try therapy again for myself, and I asked around for suggestions from other health professionals I knew. There were two things that made it work I think- having found the right person to help (they do exist- don't give up!) and my wanting/being ready to do it for myself.

Hugs and keep safe- and feel free to vent as much as you need to.

Lily