$#%^!!!! I just hurt myself emotionally.

I just did something that I really shouldn't have. I knew it before I did it. I looked anyway. I should not have done that. Now my hands are shaking and I just keep saying over and over that I am ok, but I don't think I am. Why do i keep doing this! I know that seeing that he has moved on puts me in a really bad place, but somehow I keep telling myself that it will make me feel better. Like it will make it seem more real so that I can stop imagining that there is a shot in hell that i could get him back. It doesn't though. It just makes me feel like $#%^.

Hugs to you

Sounds like you are really hurting atm and that things are tough. Also sounds like you are pushing yourself to face the hurt which can be difficult and sometimes damaging. please be kind to yourself to support yourself through this time - it will pass, honestly. Are you safe? Please dont hurt yourself - it wont help things and it will probably make them worse for you. If I could look back on times when I had been hurt and give myself some advice it would be to be kind to myself, lean on my friends and family and not do things to hurt myself. I would also remind myself that this too shall pass as I said. I know it does not make it feel any better right now but perhaps something to hold onto.

Many hugs and please keep safe

Cracked

Thanks. Why couldn't he have picked a blond!? She looks so much like me. She likes the same things I like. It's like he just went down the road to the next dealership and bought next years model at a better price. It hurts like hell. I wanted so bad to just look at that picture and say "you know, he wasn't really that great. It was just an illusion." It just isn't coming though. Last time I told myself not to ever look again. Don't wonder where he is. Try not to care at all. It isn't my business anymore. In that stupid split second I thought "wouldn't it be so awesome if you could just be happy for him?".... Maybe it would be ok this time...." It's not ok.... I'm not ok.... I'm hanging in there ....

Dear Sarahwpen, I am so sorry to hear that things are really difficult for you at the moment. Sending hugs. Do you have any close friends you could spend some time with? Sometimes just having supportive people around you can give you a little relief from it constantly causing turmoil in your mind. (Obviously it wont change the situation though). Its ok to acknowledge that you are hurting. I hope you find some support soon. Love and hugs xx

hello there! please hang on, if you need someone to talk, just buzz me. i am willing to lend my hand for you. sending you hugs and prayers, hope everything will be alright for you.

thanks bluering and Dmills,
I am hanging in there. Not really sure what to say cause I'm kinda feeling a little bewildered at the moment. Somewhere between "crappy and I am such a loser" and "what the ###$ just happened yesterday" and "what's the big deal, I am totally fine!"

if you guys can make any sense out of that then I applaud you!

I was really would up yesterday and was managing ok but stressed to the max, so I had a couple of drinks last night to take the edge off hoping I would sleep better. Bad idea. I felt a little better until I went to sleep. Except I guess I cut up my arm a little right before I went to bed. Then I slept like a rock but apparently had some crazy weird dreams and I woke up in the middle of the night to my husband standing over me shaking me really hard to wake me up because apparently I was crying (like loud, tears and snotty, body wracking sobbing, full on kicking, punching and talking) in my sleep.

I dream a lot. I used to remember every dream in vivid detail until about a year or two ago. Then I quit conciously remembering after waking up, but I still dream and talk in my sleep sometimes. Sometimes I dream about things that are going to happen, or stuff that is like intuition or something I guess. I saw my third child before she was born in a dream one time. There have been other things too, but it would be long.

Anyway. If he wakes me up in the middle of it I can still remember it, so I remember this one now. I was holding a baby boy and I was just thinking how beautiful he was. He was so perfect. There were all these people around and they kept asking questions and it really bothered me, and i wanted them to go away and leave me alone. I told my husband "what do they want from me?!!!" they kept asking "is he your's?" and I didn't know! I didn't care, I just wanted them to let me enjoy holding him, and they kept on asking and asking and crowding. It sucked. And I didn't want to wake up. I wanted to keep holding him. I wish I had been able to just keep on dreaming until it was over and not remember it.

There isn't anyone in real life that I can talk to about this. At all. It is my fault really. This is why you should never have an affair folks. It makes normal $#%^ into crazy $#%^.

It sounds like you have an awful lot going round in your mind

Can you think of anything healthy that would help atm? Something to soothe you perhaps and try to quieten down your head.

Please keep safe with the cutting- what are you getting from it and how can that be replicated in other, more healthy ways? It is worth having a think about this and seeing if you can come up with some alternatives that give you the same outcome. In the end cuttig is punishing ourself and imo that wont help here.

Please keep safe

Hugs

Cracked

Thanks Crackedgirl,
I went through my day like a zombie pretty much for most of yesterday. I realized though that I haven't been giving any kind of attention at all lately to my spirituality and I think I may have gotten tangled in some very negative energy lately. It was a new moon the night I had the dream and I've been so off that I didn't even know it. I am pagan, so I spent some time meditating, I read through the witches rede a couple of times, and I do feel a lot better. It can be so easy to forget to care for my own soul sometimes. My habits have fallen out of line and I need to make that a priority.

With the cutting wed night: I didn't remember doing it until I saw the cuts the next day. I am still not entirely sure if there was something else that pushed me or if I just did it to hold myself together. I think probably the latter. I only remember the actual cut, and then seeing what I'd done and then this sense of panic thinking "oh no this is too much it is going to be hard to hide!" Then I turned off the lights and didn't think about it again.

Hopefully if I take the time to do a short centering at least once every day I can curb the overwhelmed feeling.

I find that spirituality really helps with my mental health (I am a christian) and I think that it can provide a great deal of support which you can lean on. So def well worth investing in and keping spiritually healthy imo. I hope that it helps you.

please keep safe with the cutting- sounds a bit worrying about the memory loss with it.

Huge hugs

Cracked

Thanks for the support. It has really helped this last week. I am feeling much better now than I was this time last week. Accepting what I cannot change is very hard.

I made some choices a couple of years back that I really wish I had handled differently. Last night I couldn't sleep and at some point I remember telling myself "if you were starting your life from right here, at this moment... what would you do? if none of the past was anyone's fault, or concern, and you were just dropped into this life, this situation, right NOW... how would you feel?" I think that sometimes I do feel like that is what happened sort of, even though I know I am responsible for my choices. My parents were very controlling, then I married very young to a guy who is a very intense personality, and my own very intense personality got kind of shoved aside for a long time. Things happened, and we all had a rough few years, and now here I am in what many people consider the perfect life. Only problem is I still wonder how the hell I got here, and if this is what I really wanted... Trying to just face today and accept it as it is though is a good thing I think. I wish I could get to that peaceful, accepting place without all of the angst and drama that usually builds up until that breaking point where I am forced to just forgive everything or die trying because it's all I can do.