recently started up again and i don't want to stop (trigger?

hello people. this is my first post here. just want to vent i guess. it's kinda long so sorry about that.

i first started cutting when i was 14, but i stopped when i was 15 (i'm 20 now). i have faded white scars on my thighs as a reminder of those days. i can't remember the exact reason i stopped anymore, but over the years i've had urges, though i'd never given in to them. i just buried the thoughts. until september 5th, that is. nothing in particular triggered me. i just got the urge.... and didn't ignore it this time.

things are different now from when i cut when i was a teenager. back home we only had one bathroom so i had to carefully plan when i could do it. now i can do it whenever i want and i don't have to worry about anyone finding my "supplies". things are also different in that i'm cutting more often and deeper than i did before. for example, i only started up a little over 2 weeks ago and i've cut every day since. i've cut... a lot. more in the past 2ish weeks than i did when i was 14/15.

i'm also finding it a lot more satisfying than i did before. though i've never told anyone about this and i never will, i don't feel guilty about what i'm doing. and i don't want to recover. i never talk about my true feelings with anyone, i'm incredibly bad at dealing with my emotions. i tend to just try and ignore everything and hope it goes away (spoiler alert: it doesn't). this feels like the release/self expression i've been needing. it seems like a win/win: i get a little bit of relief and i don't bother anyone with my "problems". i've never been able to talk to people about difficult things. i avoid confrontation like the plague. i feel so awkward and weird and pathetic even just typing this out right now.

i think i have depression and have had it for about 6 years now, and i think i might have anxiety too. but i've never talked about it with anyone of course, so i've never been diagnosed with anything.

ANYWAY, i guess i just don't see the big deal.... my cuts aren't very serious, i take care of them and keep everything clean, no one will ever see them, i'll never tell anyone.... i don't see why i should stop....

Hi and welcome

You'd be very welcome to vent thoughts here.

I'm sorry that you've been cutting again. Did something trigger you to want to start again?

Even though you might think your cuts are not serious, I think the fact that you are cutting is serious enough to warrant asking for some extra help. Have you ever considered seeking out some support from a professional? The other thing with self harm is that it tends to escalate- with more or deeper cuts, and you can't always objectively see it. It sounds like things have already escalated with cutting every day. More than once I've had it pointed out to me that what I'd been doing was a lot, but I couldn't see it without someone else pointing it out.

With reasons to stop, what about things like not creating more scars, or not damaging your body more, or finding a healthier way to cope? Depression and anxiety are things that can be treated effectively, but you do have to reach out first.

Take care and stay safe
Lily

Hi

I think that having a good think about why you might have started cutting again would be a good idea as I suspect that even if you dont realise it immediately there is likely to be a cause for it.

I agree that it sounds like ou could do with some directed help atm- it can be very difficult to open up for sure but it sounds like things are escalating quickly and I think you could do with some help dealing with this before things get worse for you.

Please keep talking here and we can try our best to support you

Keep safe

hugs

Cracked

the thing is.... i just can't open up and tell someone. not just about this, but about anything really. there isn't anyone in my life i could tell even if i wanted to. and i could never talk to a stranger about it. like, i physically just cannot do it. if i tried to the words wouldn't come out.

no one in my family really understands mental illness type stuff. they'd just freak out/get really upset and think i'm crazy. same with my friends, honestly. my mom would totally lose it and blame herself. i don't want to upset anyone or be some kind of burden. and as i said before... i just don't want to stop right now...

kourt13 wrote:the thing is.... i just can't open up and tell someone. not just about this, but about anything really. there isn't anyone in my life i could tell even if i wanted to. and i could never talk to a stranger about it. like, i physically just cannot do it. if i tried to the words wouldn't come out.

no one in my family really understands mental illness type stuff. they'd just freak out/get really upset and think i'm crazy. same with my friends, honestly. my mom would totally lose it and blame herself. i don't want to upset anyone or be some kind of burden. and as i said before... i just don't want to stop right now...

In terms of opening up- do you think writing something for someone to read might help instead of having to say it? I understand from what you have said tho that it is really difficult to do that.

What are you getting out of self harm? I think it would be useful if you could identify that. It might mean you could look for other ways to get the same outcome. This is something I found helped recently when I was struggling with self harm thoughts

Hugs

Cracked