Cut again after 9 months

Cut again after so long. I felt like killing myself tonight but I decided to cut instead, it was better that offing myself, but not by that much. Anger, frustration, and hatred.

Hi Olddays

I'm really sorry to hear that you cut again and that you're struggling so much. Are your cuts ok, and are you safe? Please get them checked out if they need it. If you don't feel like you can stay safe, please reach out for some extra help in 3D.

Having cut again doesn't take away the 9 months that you managed to go without for. That is still a huge achievement and I think you should be proud of yourself for having made it so far. Just because you've fallen, doesn't mean that you can't get back to not cutting or that you can't reach for the goal of passing the nine month mark. Sure it's going to take time and hard work, but you can get there.

Has something in particular triggered you? Do you want to talk about it at all?

Hugs and take care
Lily

Thanks Lilly

I feel so disgusted with myself, so ashamed. I feel so bad about this. When i used to cut in the past I would never care, it would not concern me nor did I see anything wrong with it, now i see everything wrong with it. I let myself down. The cut is not that bad or deep, it will heal just like all the other cuts in my past, but still, I feel so bad over this. My mother is very upset with me, she says she was going to take me to the hospital and if I do it again that she will definitely take me, well, I don't want to do this again mom, I feel horrible, doing this did nothing, and it is a different experience now than what it used to be in the past. I am sorry, so very sorry.

It's ok. Totally understandable that you're feeling so down about it. You can get back to not cutting though. Having a slip up doesn't mean that it's a total relapse.

Do you have any other support in 3D? Perhaps if something has caused you to want to cut again so badly, there is something that you need to get out in the open with someone who can help?

Hugs and take care
Lily

I was really drunk and certain things triggered me. I realized the reality of my life, how much i failed and how much of an f up i am. I can't function these days with doing much. And i live a very solitary life, never really had a social life at all, no friends, no luck with women, never went out, now this all eats at me. I feel very abnormal around people, like there is something wrong with me.

Before this I used to be able to do things that i like, hobbies, and i felt not as bad, though cutting was always how I expressed my emotions. Now I have nothing, my symptoms are so bad that i am just surviving everyday. I cut out of desperation, frustration, and hopelessness, though it did nothing. I don't feel the same way about it as I used to.

When you say 3d, do you mean real life? My mother knows and tries to help the best way she can with everything, she is the only person that I trust and can count on. I don't talk to anyone else, I don't even chat with anyone online besides writing here on the forums. My therapist does not help me at all and my psychiatrist is trying to find the right meds for me.

Hi Olddays

I'm sorry you were triggered by those things. It sounds like a lot of things all building up.

I know that keeping up with hobbies is hard when you're feeling really depressed- are there still some things you might enjoy doing a little bit to try to distract you from things?

When I say 3D, I do mean real life. I'm glad that you have your mum for some support. With your therapist, if you don't feel like they're helping, can you ask to see someone else? I've found that I've had to find the right person to talk to- now that I have, I'm getting somewhere, albeit slowly. I really hope that your psychiatrist can work out the right meds for you- with as little pain as possible.

Hugs and take care
Lily

My doctor is still tweaking the meds a bit and I am still unhappy with my therapist. I have mentioned to him that i might want to see someone else and he told me that it was possible but for now I have not made my final decision yet and am still seeing him. I don't have the energy right now to tell everything again to someone new, plus i have a lot of anxiety about seeing someone new.

I have not cut since that last time, but I am still feeling bad everyday.

It's ok Hon..as long as your cut is ok..try to be easy on yourself.....you are working in the right direction with finding meds and a therapist....one that you like..we are here If you need to vent.....stay strong

Thanks butterfly.

Do you want to talk through your trigger? You said since January ..so what happened...only if you can talk about it..I don't want to upset you..