Worried It May Go Beyond This.....self harm and suicide

Well, let's be honest.....no matter how bad everyone says it is to self injure, I think everyone does it at some point to some degree. I don't know anyone who hasn't physically assulted themselves to some degree when they felt bad enough. I remember when pulling my hair and things of that nature when I was younger and angry and my mother smacking herself and pulling her hair, too, and to tell you the truth everyone I know does something like this sometimes.

Eventually I passed just pulling my hair. However, I was never a big cutter. I was more hands on and blunt force. I'd do things like this- 1. pulling my hair (still), 2. smacking myself, 3. pinching myself, 4. scratching myself at least enough to cause welps or bring up the skin, but sometimes enough to bring blood or cause scarring (I scar easy, though), 5. Beating myself with my fists or objects, sometimes causing red spots, swelling, bruises, and when I beat myself in the head, bringing up knots, 6. Biting myself, sometimes just leaving red marks or welts, sometimes leaving teeth marks, sometimes leaving bruises, and once when I really let myself have it I hemmoraged underneath it. 7. "Stabbing"myself with something like antannaes or other objects, causing red spots, soreness, and bruising at the site. Unintentionally causing the force of my blows to be concentrated through the object's small surface. Sometimes I also get angry and beat or kick the ground, throwing the phone (I lose more phones that way) or just let it boil up till my head hurts and I think I'm going to burst something in there.

Anyways, there was some point where I had heard a fair amount about people cutting, including a couple good friends, so I decided I'd try it and see. Well, I guess it did calm me some and it was okay, but it didn''t allow me to use as much force and it just wasn't enough since I was afraid to really let go with it. Also, it seemed a bit forced or unnatural, and I scar easy and was afraid it would make me less attractive to the person I ended up being with, so I let it go and went back to what came more naturally. Well, he wanted me to quit hurting myself altogether, so I tried. Maybe not hard enough. I did it sometimes, but I got really good at not doing it, even when I had urges, but now he's not around me much to see or know what I do to myself, so it won't hurt him if he doesn't know I'm hurting myself, but sometimes I still try not, too. It's partially because I am afraid I could cause brain damage beating my head or permanant scarring that he wouldn't like or that he may eventually see.

However, I've noticed that I've started having thoughts and urges to cut myself after all these years and even though in the past I wasn't that drawn to it or into it. I just see myself grabbing a knife or a razor and just letting go on my arms or my wrists. I wouldn't say that it's a suicidal urge or thought......but I want to cut myself. However, I wonder if it is related to suicidal ideation. I have had suicidal thoughts and have confessed this to mental health professionals. When I think about how I would do it if I ever killed myself, the theme seems to stay the same most of the time. I've even dreamed about it twice. I'd take some pills to calm my nerves and numb the pain and I'd take a straight razor and lay my wrists open. I don't know why I want to bring a razor into it. I don't like the thought of it hurting, really. I want it to be as peaceful and painless as possible. However, it just doesn't work for me to think about simply over dosing- I want to bleed. Maybe that's why I keep thinking about cutting myself now when I'm upset.

I'm not sure what to do. When I've had these thoughts, urges, etc. recently I've been with other people or I've not had access to a razor or knife, so I couldn't do it really, and when I could, the urge or desire had passed. However, I know this won't last forever. I'll be alone and it'll be there. Maybe I won't do it.....afraid of scarring or cutting too deep.....but maybe I will. By this I am not reffering to slitting my wrists wide open and killing myself, I just mean I may very well cut myself up.

I have told the shrinks I hurt myself sometimes, but I've only told them after my bruises and stuff went away....never while the proof was on me and I am afraid because there was nothing to see that they may not believe i've done it. Sometimes I think about going off on myself rather than waiting for somethign to trigger me, just so I can go show them it's true. It's real. I don't do it all the time and I don't do it so badly that it could kill me, but I do do it.

Also, I don't know what to do because I want to talk about suicide more in therapy. I have told my therapist that I wish to get sick and die and I wish I had died before. I also admit to having considered suicide before and told them at one point that I still think about it, but I don't think I'll do it. I told them I even had a basic plan at one point. I just don't know what to do because I want to bring it up again, but I know we're all very conscious when we go to the therapist about what we can say and what we can't. They know some people will think of suicide all the time or self harm all the time so they have to determine if they think this person is in danger of killing themselves now or just if their just thoughts and desires that are under control.....they also have to decide is the self harm getting out of control or not before they can decide whther to simply jot it down in a notebook or whether you need locked up in some psych ward or not. I am just afraid of making him (my shrink) think I am in danger now and putting me in lock down or something and I almost KNOW that that would make me worse rather than help me. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when I bring up suicide. So what am I to do? What do you do?

Also, strangely enough, I was under the impression that if they thought you were in danger, they had to take drastic measures and you had no say so in the matter, but when a family member of mine tried to kill themselves, they were allowed to return home after the medical part of the hospital saved their life.

CemeteryCicada,
I think that anyone who has suicide ideation should be taken seriously. Any attempt to hurt one's self is not normal. And I don't think that all people have SI'd once or more. I know lots of people who would whisk their way to therapy should they find themselves hurting their own body.

I used to be a cutter. I cut deeply and it did expel some of the emotional pain I was in. But just for a while. Soon, I would find myself in the same situation again.

My way out of SI'ing was learning healthier ways of coping with life's issues without cutting. I'm live proof that it can be done. It has been at least 6 years since I SI'd.

Sweetngentle

What the hell is SI'd.

"self injured"

Thanks for the reply.

I hope I didn't offend you by saying I thought everyone did it somewhat. I didn't mean to suggest that it wasn't a problem for anyone. However, I was a bit surprised when I read that you knew people who would never do this- that they'd go to therapy first. I seriously don't know if I know anyone who hasn't done this to some degree at some time. Family or otherwise. lol. Maybe it's the culture? Funny, though, I know people who don't go in with the usual culture here and they still do it. Well, now that I think of it, maybe the really religious (not just believing, but heavily practicing) people don't, but I think many if not all of them did before they got that religious. I've even seen little kids do this alot. Pulling their hair, scratching themselves, pinching themselves, beating their head against the wall, holding their breath, biting themselves. Normal or not, I suppose it's not healthy.

Anyways, as for anyone who has suicidal ideation being taken seriously- yes, they should be. No one checks up on my family members who have attempted for all I know. As for me, they never bring it up really. I mean yeah they ask how I am, but they don't say do you still think about it. I guess maybe they figure I'll bring it up if I want to talk and lie if they ask me. I don't know really. I want to talk about it more, but I seriously feel that being locked in a psych ward would only hurt me, rather than help me. I honestly don't think that's the best thing to do for everyone all of the time even if they are thinking about killing themselves. Anyways, I don't think they think I really hurt myself either, but maybe they do. Maybe I just imagine that they don't?

I'm glad you've stopped hurting yourself. You seem like a really nice person. I feel more comfortable talking about the self harm in therapy now, but not the suicide.

honestly i don't think everyone has self-harmed. most people i have known would rather hurt someone else. my aunt loved inpatient at a psych hospital, i didn't like it but only cuz i like lots of privacy, and i don't like most of the people my age. i loved partial inpatient tho, it's a day thing, you go home after, mine was like 9am to 3 pm. it helped me lots. people tend to be very supportive, what helps most is the other patients. i'm saying it's not so bad, tho it does probably differ on where you go. i went ot four winds.

also there is something about cutting that seems kinda of romantic and it seems to call people to it somehow. it's kinda weird, but that's the truth. if you really think you are going to kill yourself tell ur therapist, i understand your fear. except mine is more of going back to not being trusted and losing priveleges (i live at home and am a teenager). but i think you should tell your therapists, some of your thoughts at least. otherwise you just very well may end up dead. really don't do that please, don't go through with ano of that. i have also gone through suicidal ideation, really what saved me at one point, was teh fact that medicine was locked up and i couldn;t acess it. so it helps to not have it around, even tho something like tylenol we use so often for heaches and whatnot.

I never self harmed, i self mutilated. To me there's a diff.