Trigger warning; physical reaction to stress or 'flashback'?

Hello people. It's quite here, but I'll still give it a go, looking for answers.

I have DID. My abusers thought cult stuff is exiting, and I was their guiny pig. I can't remember much, but I do know they did brainwashing, poisoning, sex slave training, and a lot of programming/pavlov.

For the last three months I've been having very weird sensations when I lie in bed. TRIGGER WARNING BUT IT'S NOT SEXUAL

At first I thought it was stress 'wanting' to leave my body, but it's getting so specific;

At first my feet start tingling, then my legs. The tingling becomes shaking, sometimes really bad like an epileptic something, but it's always only the legs and feet. Then I hear an extremely high beep, that has a rithm. Sometimes slowly, sometimes almost like morse codes or something. Then my jaws clinge together; I can't open my mouth, my lips shake and my stomach and mouth tingle.

I have this almost every night and it scares me. Some parts think this is some kind of physical flashback of elektroshocks, others still think its just weird stress/dissociation.

Do people here know if it could be possible to have such flashbacks? Very scared I'm making things up; its extreme enough already and I don't want to create even more trauma.

Thank you for reading me.

yes, it is possible to have these kinds of flashbacks.
that doesnt mean that this is what you are experiencing, but it is possible.
did you talk to a doctor to make sure it is nothing physical? like symptoms of an actual illness of some kind. we always do that with all the crazy $#%^ we experience.

for us, flashbacks of electro shocks have been common. it could be triggered by something from outside the system, like cues given to you or something that got into your life that is triggering.
it could also be caused by a part of you who thinks that eg you have to be punished or somethng else that is closely related to the conditioning/programming.
the rhythmic sounds do sound like some kind of code to me. does anyone in your system know what it means?
sometimes programming gets triggered at a certain time of year, when certain life events occur, when you turn a certain age, a lot of different things. did anything happen when this first started? that could give you hints.

getting to the bottom of that kind of stuff is difficult.
do you have a therapist who knows about programming?
a book I can recommend it Alison Millers "becoming yourself" that describes step by step how to deprogramm your system.

Thank you very much, birdsong87, for taking the time to reply, and how awfull it is that you've had (flashbacks of) elektroshocks. May I ask; how did you know, how could you tell? How did your body act? If that's too private; sorry.

I didn't go to the doctor, I don't want to be a burden. And I think that if this would be an illness, this wouldn't be this specific (only the legs and feet do the tingling/shaking, the beeps are too rythmic, etc)?

Thank you also for these very good insights and questions. I am 37 and I've never had flashbacks and such before, by my knowledge. My T (I don't think she knows much about programming, unfortunatly, and I have a bad feeling about her anyway. I have a long history (misdiagnoses, a lot.. my abusers were having a blast about that) at the place where she treats me now, and she didn't even read my file until third the session (most parts have the feeling she'll make things worse, but I have nowhere else to go), and she cuts me off when I want to talk about these overwhelming experiences. She specializes in trauma, but I think I am her first patient with DID) told me my brain waited this long because the trauma's were too intense to face earlier in life.

A few weeks before this crisis started, the worst abuser, my mother (the others were friends of hers), e-mailed me after five years of zero contact. There was nothing in the mail but 'if things are going bad, I wish you well'. And POEF, every single thing in my life went downhill. That was the biggest trigger to a lot of unbelievable flashbacks, and I truelly think the sentence also pushed buttons to 'sleeping programs'. I am definitly buying that book, thanks.

Nobody in the system knows what the bleeps mean, the part who knows most, only gave the suspicions of elektroshocks and 'morse' (and also; my pupils don't 'close' very well; daylight hurts my eyes a lot, last week the thought there was also very bright light envolved occured as well. But I am very hestitant; I don't want to create false memories or interpretations. It's crazy enough already; I knew my childhood was bad, but this I couldn't even imagine). Next time this happens, or after, I'll try to just ask inside if there maybe are more answers.

Yes, it's very difficult to figure this all out. Thanks again, I truelly appreciate this and I hope you are doing well.

I know because we could put memories together and some of us remembered specific scenes. we split the experience over several parts. I find it to be hard to describe though.

we go to the doctor just to make sure that nothing bad is happening with the body. we are pretty sure that we pay the doctor for their inconvenience and that he is glad to do it. its not actually burdening anyone. its his job.

A message from an abuser will totally do the job of starting somethign inside. Might be the words you picked out, might be something less obvious. Our mom used to send us nice cards with nothing in the words but the picture was a cue...

It always helps to have understanding of what is going on. So its good to learn, but be careful about your sources. you dont want to just google stuff and run into lists of triggers etc. even today we are very careful with our T. she is a mind control expert, and one of us is watching her at all times to make sure she is not messing with us. keep writing at the DID forum about your experience, to double check it with others who know what therapy should look like.

there might be parts in your system you don't know yet. with mind control based DID that is often the case. the system sometimes gets split into groups and the host is the last to know anything about all this. so be open that maybe someone knows about this stuff, you just don't know them yet...
try to write it down, as you experience it, to get the clearest picture possible. dont read too much about the topic so your memory will be all yours and not mixed with other stuff. then try to put it away and not think about it too much. that wont solve anything...

we are not a super expert, but we check here regularly in case there are questions. we will do our best to answer.

Hi L, sorry for not responding earlier. I'm having a bit of a crisis. I understand that it's hard for you to describe. So extra many thanks for responding again!

You are right about the doctor:)

I don't know if the crisis started this, or if this is a result of the crisis, but I am very afraid I'm making the whole cult thing up. There is no proof, and when I was in therapy ten years ago (I remember hardly anything of the whole three years of treatment.. Googled the therapist to maybe get some memories, and she even looks different than I thought), they told me the abuse was mainly munchausen by proxy. I honestly don't know if I'm running away from the true trauma, or if I'm 'meeting' the real hardcore trauma's now. Internal communication is getting harder; walls between the parts are back. I had to quit therapy because my new therapist lied a lot about my file, this didn't help the confusion I'm already in.

On a waitinglist now for a specialized clinic far away; waiting time is nine months. Where I live there's nothing else (I can afford), so I have to focus now on not falling apart. Whenever I'm ready, I'll be back here. Thank you very much, again, for hearing me and taking the time to share your insights.

Kindest regards,

All of us

One more thing;

"there might be parts in your system you don't know yet. with mind control based DID that is often the case. the system sometimes gets split into groups and the host is the last to know anything about all this. so be open that maybe someone knows about this stuff, you just don't know them yet..."

Yes! A few weeks ago the part who knows most told the rest that there are a lot of trauma's ánd parts we don't know of yet, and a few months ago I already had the feeling I have a few 'teams' in stead of seperate alters. Even two animals. If this is al true (sigh, it's all in my head anyway..); one of them is a hawk who does the watching you describe in relation to your T. Very tricky; when triggered, it controles the eyes and ears of the part who's doing the talking, it's abillity to concentrate and connect becomes harder (in my opinion earlier, this is because whenever the hawk is triggered, it's necessary to not be affected by the person we're talking to), but the hawk doesn't change the part's behaviour.

Despite of questioning my own reliability in this one, I'm just going to write to you that my parts B and D who are doing the decoding thank you. And good luck with your struggles at the moment.

I am glad you are not with a T you feel unsafe with.
the best you can do is keep a low profile right now, wait until you can get into the clinic. don't try to remember things. that could cause a chain reaction you won't enjoy. focus on stability and daily life. self-care.
the problems aren't going anywhere. you can take your time.

I am confused about that T saying stuff like munchhausen by proxy. sometimes Ts actually work with abuser groups. and manipulate all kinds of things. We used to see a T for a long time without much of a result. we can't remember most of the sessions because we were too dissociated. that happens.

maybe you can find an inner position that doesnt judge if something is right or wrong, true or made up, but where you observe what is coming up, notice, acknowledge (as in: this is here, not as in: this is true) write it down and keep it for when you need it.

Thank you. I'm also relieved; the doubts about the T made things worse, bigtime. However, other parts are feeling very depressed and suicidal because she didn't even try to get us back. She just didn't respond anymore when I emailed her I had to quit and why, nore did the place where she works, nore did the assistant of my doctor, who I've asked to direct me to the clinic (in my country, the doctor needs to give permission for specialized treatments). Trauma Neglect is in front now, because of that, even when knowing it is better to stay away from that place. I live in a very small town, everybody knows eachother, chances are they are influinced by the abusers indeed.

Spot on, this one:

"maybe you can find an inner position that doesnt judge if something is right or wrong, true or made up, but where you observe what is coming up, notice, acknowledge (as in: this is here, not as in: this is true) write it down and keep it for when you need it."

Yes. Because when I try to not give B and D the space to hand over information, they attack me with flashbacks more. They want to be heard real bad. And they want to fix everything. They woke up, or they are finally noticed, and they are doing their job 24/7 almost. So, yes, I think your advice is to only way to keep my sanity. Also because D holds a few bad parts; I want to accept him to keep myself safe, if that makes sense.

Thanks again, I hope this doesn't come across as sucking up, I really feel greatfull for this. And I wish you the best possible weekend.

All good. We keep an eye on this part of the forum because it addresses topics that are important for DID but very few people feel free to discuss them openly. over time we have been in contact with dozens of people with a background of ritual abuse and it has always been helpful to exchange how we experience things today. Makes everyone feel less like we are making it up. it turns out that there are so many similarities that it would be impossible to make it up.

we are writing a blog that tries to teach people how to manage certain situations. this https://www.dis-sos.com/inner-archive/ is about a useful approach to all these memories coming up. it is natural that some parts want them to be seen and acknowledged and others might be scared of that and others might think that they shoudn't be shared. the article describes a way of containing it all in a way that already prepares it to be processed later in your life. maybe it can help you to deal with the situation you are in right now.

Very important indeed. I've noticed something different in my system, from others who write about this; I am not scared to be open about this and I think I know why; my abusers were so full of themselves, making me look like the crazy one, that they didn't even bother to programn me to never speak up about this. They were very sure nobody would believe me. So I'm never punished from inside when I tell a lot, the chaos and panicing is 'just' because some parts aren't ready yet, to 'welcome' bigger trauma's in their awareness. I think. And because I am in fact programmed to doubt my sanity ánd to lóók hysterical and crazy when I speak up, I won't cause the abusers any trouble.

We are going to ground now by cleaning the kitchen (win win), and after that I'm reading your blog; thank you!!

B