Abused in a Religious Setting

I DO have a religious upbringing and I do feel that is has impacted me in so many ways. I went to a religious private school and they did things there that were deemed by them as punishment but I don't think they should have done what they did to me or the others who went to that school. Emotional abuse and psychological abuse at that school. Lots of bullying and a little bit of 'inappropriate' touching by a senior when I was maybe 12. He was maybe 17 or 18? I was told that I would burn in hell if I didn't believe what they told me. And I believed them!

Once, while in the principle's office, (I was sitting on one side of her desk and she was sitting on the other side) I was verbally berated with trash talk. She lunged her body over her desk and screamed at me so loud that she spat in my face. She said I was trash, scum, useless, not worthy of breathing the air she breathed. I was going to hell and that I was causing her school to have a bad name. They used blackmail, coercion, deceit, trickery. They made me stay for 3 school days in a tiny closet with no windows and one tiny light to do my homework. This happened more than once and to multiple students. They made up filthy lies about me. I can't go into some of the things they did there but many other things happened. I witnessed things done to other kids as well. My parents didn't believe me when I told them what was happening. Because it was a 'religious school'. My parents also abused me as have many men in my lifetime during teens and adulthood. I've been abused in all ways. It's hard to accept.

Also, when I was in 1st or 2nd grade, I had a teacher who was pure evil who used to have us kids circle around her and rub her head and pick the dandruff out during story time. She liked us to rub her hair and ears and run our fingers through it. That is the only time she was nice to us. She gave us candy if we did it right. She never let me go outside for recess. Instead I had to stay inside with her. She hated me. I got picked on a lot by her. She would scream so loud I thought my heart would stop. I would shake. She hit my hand and fingers with a ruler. Nothing was ever done. I was scared of school. I was scared of home. I was scared. Sorry if this triggers anyone.

They made me stand in front of the school body (children, teachers, teens) and publicly apologize for being 'bad'. It was because they'd found out I'd had sex before marriage and had to apologize for it. I had to stand in a gymnasium filled with the school body and do this. Public shaming is what it was. It was so humiliating. Every one of their faces looking at me with condescension and judgement. Young children confused about what they were hearing, older kids snickering and laughing at me. How they found out I was having premarital sex was that I confided to a friend I trusted that I'd had a possible miscarriage and she told everyone. So, thus everyone knew I obviously was not a v*rgin. I was made fun of and called a wh*re and was given 3 day out of school and in school suspension. The in-school suspension took place in that little closet I posted about. Eventually I was actually expelled from there 3 days before my graduation. I was valedictorian. Granted, I HAD been having sex at this time in my life (I was 17 at this point). But that did not give them the right to do what they did to me.

You see, this was a really little school in a really little town. There might have only been 60 some kids, at one point as low as 40, the highest 120 (kids age 5-17 or so, K-12) for many years now (20 some-30 years running as a school at least). Anyway, the school staff (teachers, administration staff, school board) was actually parents of kids who attended there. There was a lot of partiality. And I always have gotten picked on by kids, teachers, friends, colleagues, strangers. I am different. I have always been like this. As far back as I can remember clear back when I was probably 3 or 4 I have been ostracized by kids my age. Even adults treated me bad. People have always taken advantage of me. Ever since I can remember. I never really had friends. I was the weird girl. The one kids threw rocks at. Really kids did that kind of stuff and it was so hurtful. The teachers all throughout my life have been mean to me too, not all of them but most of them. I have been called stupid so many times in front of other students by my teachers. Of course that only made the other kids think I was stupid and weird causing them to treat me different. I have been abused in so many psychological ways by them. 1st grade seems like when this started. I remember a time when I had to stand in front of the class. My Spanish teacher then started saying, "No one be her friend. No one talk to her. No one like her. She is evil. She will lead you on bad paths. Everyone be mean to her." The class was silent. But I said "F**k you." in Spanish and had to go to the office. I was so angry. I was tired of being treated like s**t. But of course I got in trouble. This might have been when I was put in the closet. I can't remember. So many other things like this happened; from when I was a small child up until I was a teen. For so long I had no self-esteem. I believed what I had been told all my life. This wasn't easy because it was bad at school, in my social life, and at home. There was a lot of pain.

So, yeah I got expelled finally which I admit a lot of it was my fault. I acted out a lot. But no one ever stopped to ask why I was acting the way I was acting. And the thing that makes me the angriest is that the teachers and people who were on the school board had children who attended this school who did the same stuff I did and even worse things but they never got into trouble. I remember one time in B*ble class this one kid, Andy, was talking about how he had to m*st*rbate up to 3 times a day or his p*nis would hurt. He said this in front of the B*ble teacher which was his mother. She did NOTHING. But the minute I replied to him something smart a** about m*st*rb*tion Igot sent to the office and had to write this long passage of the B*ble like 100 times in pen without any incorrections. My hand started to get tired and the handwriting became a little sloppy but still very readable. The principle said, "That doesn't look like a comma." and so I was made to start ALL over. I hate them.

And so, after they finally said, "You are too corrupt to be able to attend the school any longer and lead the students astray." The basketball coach who was also on the school board (who used to be really inappropriate with me as a young girl when I was in 5th and 6th grade: touching my butt and winking at me and trying to get in "private practice" with me) made the students, my 'friends' write letters about why I should not be able to attend the school any longer. They were supposed to write the things they'd heard or seen me say or do while attending the school. I later found out that the students were all brought together and coached in what to write by the basketball coach. 3/4 of the s**t in those letters were not true. Some of those claimed that I did or said things I NEVER even had heard of. I was so betrayed. This basketball coach was having an affair at the time and was later fired. The principle's son was hiding drugs in the drop ceiling in the boy's bathroom. The 'friend' who told everyone I had miscarried (which caused all of this to start anyway to begin with) was the daughter of a member on the board. And he put his bit in to corrupt everything. Everyone who was on the board had children there so they told them what they had to do to get me out of there. Some of the female students were pr*stituting themselves out in the bathrooms. But there parents were on the board so that was OK and swept under the rug. Many other corrupt things happened to me and other students. But I was one of the ones who got it the most.

And too bad because now since I strayed off their path I will forever burn in hell....

I also was harassed and told I was hideous and so ugly no one would ever even want to r*pe me. I was a young girl when it was said to me by Who says that to someone?! Well I have been r*ped. More times than I can count. F*ck them.

My parents also abused me (as a child and teen and adult but childhood was bad) as have many men (abuse of all kinds including r*pes) in my lifetime during teens and adulthood. I've been abused in all ways. It's hard to accept. Why did this all have to happen. A lot of people can escape through school. I never could. And now my parents are hurt by me because I confronted them about their abuse that they did to me and they denied it all and called me a liar and said I was trying to ruin them and break them. I feel so guilty. I know they hurt me but I am so broken over all of this. I just don't know what to do and it's killing me.

I am really struggling with the mind manipulation and control tactics my dad and his family used when I was a child... I am struggling with all of the sexual things that have happened to me throughout the years. I want to claw my skin off. I have been really SUI today and just really self-defeating and negative. Have been having all these emotional flashbacks. Very teary and grief-stricken with these things. I feel like I am dying inside when I get like this. I feel like a little wh*re or a little sl*t... I don't know why. I feel I am inherently bad. I feel like I was born that way. I feel like I have always been like this. Disgusting.

Huge huge huge safe hugs Chantel

Your school experiences sound horrendous and so abusive on so many levels I am so sorry to hear what happened to you and I can imagine that combined with the other things you have gone through would have been very difficult to deal with. This should not have happened to you-bad things in general should not have happened to you and none of them are your fault. I had weird religious experiences and input too and combined with abuse and bullying it is very difficult to heal from and deal with. Please talk about this to a therapist - might be worth seeing if you could have a few sessions with someone who specialises in the religious side of things (I am thinking of going to find a therapist who specialises in missionary stuff, maybe you could find something appropriate to you just for a few sessions to talk with someone who will really understand). I hope that you can over time with help, heal from this. But know that is should not have happened and they were very very wrong in how they treated you.

Hugs

Cracked

Thank you Cracked for your invaluable input related to this. It truly is difficult. I am proud of you for pursuing healing from your abuse too. Abuse is so awful in all of it's various forms. Thanks for the suggestions and advice. I will have to think about the things you said. Again, thank you. Blessings and support to you. ♥

Chant2012 wrote:Thank you Cracked for your invaluable input related to this. It truly is difficult. I am proud of you for pursuing healing from your abuse too. Abuse is so awful in all of it's various forms. Thanks for the suggestions and advice. I will have to think about the things you said. Again, thank you. Blessings and support to you. ♥

Hugs Chantel and thank you <3 Blessings to you too

Cracked