forgiveness

hi everyone

just wondering if anyone has tips on how to forgive an abuser who is not capable of feeling remorse?

i have been having difficulty with this for some time... thanks

I don't believe forgiveness is necessary in order to heal. Forgive or not forgive is a personal choice and everyone chooses according to their needs. Forgiveness can't be forced. When it's forced, it's not true forgiveness. Read my article "This confusing word "forgiveness" here http://therapyconsumerguide.com/this-confusing-word-forgiveness/

WM

also would like help with this. any thoughts?

I had problems for years with forgiveness until I took a Divorce Care class and they covered forgiveness. Here is an excerpt from the class material. It also had a DVD to watch on forgiveness. The biggest thing I learned is that it is a choice not a feeling, it is an act of will and a decision. I always thought someday I would "feel" like forgiving, but that never happened. I would have waited the rest of my life to get to the point of feeling like it. I could, however, make the choice to forgive. This is a bible based book, but I think this applies to anyone, not just Christians, but that's just my opinion. Here are the basic points without going into detail.
Consequences of unforgiveness: Depression and negativity, bitterness and anger, physical and emotional sickness.
Forgiveness is not: A feeling, minimizing the offense, condoning the other persons behavior, trusting the other person, letting the other person off the hook, expecting an apology, forgetting.
Forgiveness is: Life changing, a decision only I can make, freedom and release, a process, a reflection of my maturity, not synonymous with reconciliation, taking responsibility for my actions and attitudes.

I think what I related to most is that not only is it a choice, but it is a process that happens over time and in layers. The best thing I ever did for myself was to forgive the people in my life who had abused me. I never went to any of them and spoke about it except my mom and my ex husband. I was sexually abused by three different people, and I never felt like they needed to know anything about my forgiveness of them. They were well into my past, and I was forgiving them for my sake not for theirs. It set me free, and I did it for my own well being, not for theirs. Others might not see the need to forgive, but being a Christian I knew God was calling me to forgive to cleanse my own heart and my own soul, and that it was for my good.

I hope this helps a little. If you look up Divorce Care in your area, you could probably get a hold of the materials from a local church that has the classes. The DVD is what really fleshes it all out and goes into detail. I just took the above information from the book, which doesn't have the detail, you have to write in notes from the DVD. That class changed my life and finally got me to understand that it was not a feeling, and that's what made all the difference in the world to me. To realize that I didn't have to wait until that magical day when I would finally get over what happened to me enough to "feel" like forgiving was what really set me free. I still am affected by what happened to me in my past and haven't gotten over the after effects, so I would still be waiting if forgiveness came down to feeling like it...