Can't get over it...

Break ups and Thoughts

There is a feeling of regret I just can’t shake off and it has been like a shadow I carry for many years now. I get very nostalgic and hold on to things emotionally. I get very disappointed in myself as well because I can’t help but feel like a failure. I feel like a failure for many reasons, not only in not successfully handling a relationship that was very important for me but in being so weak I couldn’t stay faithful to this person that meant so much to me. I blame myself and the guilt is overwhelming but then I console myself by saying it was a result of a failing relationship ( a sign she wasn’t the right one) as well as a combination of very bad communication and by bad communication I mean there wasn’t enough mutual respect or willingness to comprise for each other which eventually lead to a feeling of neglect. Now why didn’t I just break it off instead of doing such a terrible act, to be honest, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to be with her, it was just getting frustrating and I was hoping things would get better. Unfortunately, my patience was wearing thin in hopes for better days and more importantly but equally as selfishly, waiting for things to get better had me feeling that I was missing out on joyful and wilder experiences in my early 20s. Today I’m just overall disappointed in my life, in my decisions and all the lost relationships more or less in connection to the aforementioned.

She never found out, although, I have a feeling she might have had an idea, as I would ask her to get checked … she never would… oh yea an important piece of information… I cheated on her with prostitutes, twice, before she broke up with me for good. I have been sleeping with prostitutes ever since, and I can’t get away from this terrible addiction, because it’s simpler, easier and the sex is typically wilder than if I tried to meet a girl the conventional way. Now I have this unworthiness feeling that trails along with me as well. To add to this sentiment, when I lost her it was the summer after I had graduated, I got the best possible job I could get getting out of university with an urban planning degree. I was working for the city as a cartographer. I had a miserable time in the beginning adjusting to the professional world, but I quickly adapted into a successful employee. Unfortunately, once I got the hang of things, the novelty of landing such a good job quickly went away. Again my weak patience came into play and I no longer wished to persist in a environment that made me feel sick. Afterall, I am an athlete, at least at heart, and sitting down for 7 hours a day in combination of a 2 hour commute had me struggling with myself. I would stare out the window many times to give my eyes rest from looking at the computer all day, I would see dogs running freely at park in front of the office building I worked at. All that I would be thinking is, "boy what I would give to be able to run freely like those dogs." This is insane to me, because we are afterall, all free to do what we wish with our lives, aren’t we… a question I still struggle with till this day… free will, do we have it or is everything more or less set in stone?

ANYWAYS

To continue on the previous broken relationships issue, as she left me, and I quit my job, ( which by the way months later, she confessed was one of the reasons she decided to leave me…) I finally had enough money to, after 3 years, take an actual vacation. I begged her, I begged her so bad to come with me… even if we weren’t going to be together, all I wanted was this one trip with her. I’ve always wanted to share a trip with a girl, to have our freedom, to wake up next to each other… I didn’t care how it wouldn’t help the break up, partly because I didn’t want to break up.. but she refused, I got really mad and swore to never speak to her… that was the first of many times that I would tell her I would never speak to her again. I decided to ask my closest friend from childhood to help me forget this girl by coming with me to this trip to Cuba to do all the foolishness boys can get away with… He agreed, I was so happy and so I thought I was on the road to recovery. Boy was I ever wrong. The trip was not everything I expected, my friend and I had completely different styles to enjoy this trip and instead of helping me get over this girl, he just went about his way. I did not want to bring it up but I eventually got frustrated with his broken promise… this was the start of a friendship that I would also lose.

Fast forward 5 years later, I have lost all my childhood friends, I’ve pushed them all away because they continued to stay friends with my exe. I know it sounds selfish and evil to wish to break friendships that people wish to sustain but I truly believe that if my recovery process was dealt better, both from my own end and with the help of my closest friends, that I would be at peace with my past, at least a little better, and that I wouldn’t mind that friends stay among friends, even if that friend was my exe, hell even I would be her friend too, of course with a slight more distance.
One thing that really has me going is my current closest friend, Mike. For many reasons I could go into, but I’ll hold myself, he was part of the reason why my relationship with my exe started off on a rocky road. We hated each other for many years, sometimes tensions were so high a fight was going to break out at any moment. One night, this group of friends of mine spent a weekend at a chalet. We were young and we got really drunk, my exe was puking everywhere, I took care of her all night until she fell sound asleep by my side. I woke up to an empty bed, only to find out she was out and about taking care of Mike puking in the woods… Now I know, what was she suppose to do… but still like WTF lol… Anyways getting to the point…this guy Mike is now my closest friend, go figure… However, although we talk and hang out everyday, and figured out years later that my exe at one point was playing both of us, mainly me, he still valued her enough to go over to her house for her most recent birthday. The #######5 excuse he gave me was, well since everybody is going, I thought why not go as well. I just stopped talking to him after that.

Unfortunately, I feel like I dealt with this whole affaire in the worst possible way, that my relationships both with my friends and exe were not meaningful enough for anyone to want to sustain but I also feel like these were the wrong people to surround myself with and I get to start fresh with lessons learnt.

Today, to forgive myself, I try to just leave the past in the past and move on… I have other friends, I have invitation to cement new relationships. I have dated at least 7 girls since… but this is where I’m stuck… it is as if I purposely leave myself in solitude. I don’t want to start over, I don’t want to work on new relationships or even old lost friendships. I find cynicism in everything and everyone. So I’m comfortable alone until that gets to me too… mostly on Saturday nights where people my age simply get to enjoy life. The worst part is, I haven’t either found stability in my career either. I do not have any motivation to write a customized resume to cities of interest. I want to work in an environment that keeps me physically active as much as mentally but I don’t do anything about it to get closer to this objective. Everything is conceptual, I think about solutions, I write them down, but when it comes time for action I stall and then I cease to progress all together. Like a vicious cycle, I go to one potential solution to the other. I feel like if I can get my career orientation in line that I could then work on the new relationships I would like to invite into my life.

So what do you think?
Messed up isn’t it.
Struggles of my 20s

I don't know what to say.
But did want to reply just to let you know that even though there are no answers, you aren't being ignored.