Advice in grieving my marriage, and family... :(

I was married for 18 years to my husband and filed for divorce about 15 months ago. We are not legally divorced yet but in the midst of a high conflict divorce that seems to make no progress, other than spending up all of our savings.... I am pretty sure after doing a lot of research, and not being able to put my finger on it until recently, that I was married to a man with a passive aggressive personality. He pretty much fits it exactly and I have read so many personal accounts that sound identical to my own marriage.

I had a son coming into the marriage who is now 22. Our children together are 16 and 7. My son was mainly raised by my husband since age 2. My soon to be ex and son were and are very very close. My son has "sided" with my husband since I filed for divorce, and for the past two months hasn't really spoken to me other than expressing his anger of my "unethical" tactics in the divorce. When questioned, my son cannot provide anything that I have done but just speaks vaguely about it. If I ask him what I did to warrant HIM not talking to me, outside of the divorce, all he can come up with is that I wasn't a very good cook while he was growing up. He fails to mention I was a hands-on loving mom who volunteered in his classroom, always knew his friends and welcomed them into our home, and lived every moment to be his mother. It is beyond painful to have him not talk to me.

My two girls are talking to me, the 16 yr old likely has Borderline Personality or Bi-polar, and the younger one who is 7 is "normal".

I dont' know if it's because of the holidays but I find myself in the midst of an incredible amount of grief and regret. I did well the first 6 months, I moved out, and we were amicable. I even thought about and truly wanted to reconcile. When I began to talk about reconciling, is when he became more aggressive about the divorce and launched a ton of litigation on me. I feel he is punishing me on a daily basis thru the legal system.

To this day, I am ashamed to admit, I feel if he was to walk in the door and ask for me to come back I eagerly would. Yes I am in counseling and have been for a year now. It helps sometimes. Other times I feel like I do today - lost, completely lost! I feel like I had it better before, where my kids and I lived under the same roof and my son talked to me. We had a vacation home that I loved, and he sold it the minute I filed for divorce (likely another punishment - he did it all so fast that I went along with it and didn't give myself time to object to it being sold).

Why do I continue to feel as though I have the wind knocked out of me? I feel a pit in my stomach. I go thru daily life feeling disconnected and not confident in myself... I have gone on some dates, even slept with a few guys. Doesn't make me feel any better. I feel that no one else is going to be like my husband either in the way we were as a family unit, the way he did so well financially, and the kinds of things we did together. I do things I like to do, but it's not really helping me to get thru it.

My youngest child still talks about being so sad, and wanting us to get back together. She talks about how daddy "hates" me and she feels we will never be in the same room together again. He refused to talk to me ever again after I filed, in fact, to this day will only communicate via email about the kids or thru his attorney. Went from sleeping in the same bad, to no contact. Just like that. I wish I was that cold to be able to do that.

Anyone have ideas as to how to cope? I know that is asking a lot. I am 46 years old, in very good shape and you would never know by looking at me that I am struggling so much. I have friends but I don't open up like this - I am too embarrassed. By this point I should be over it, or at least adapted.