How can I stop doing this.

Hi,
I wonder if any of you guys can point me in the direction of where I can find some more information about this habit I seem to have.

When I was young I desperately wanted to be a famous actress as I am sure many young girls do. The reason I bring this up is because I recognise that the need to be famous was a need for something else. I used to imagine my whole life was being followed around by a camera and that I was a constant source of interest. I took dramatic arts at college and was doing ok. I gave it up becasue I fell in love and must have gotten a little of what I needed, or I just grew out of it and didnt want to admit that was the case.

That relationship ended and a few years later I met a new best friend. It was one of those times when you think you have met a soulmate. I think we validated one another. We created this narrative that we had the best friendship possible and that our bond was fated and spiritual. Around this time It was as all of my thoughts were directed against this person. For example, (lets say his name was John), if I was out with other friends I would imagine he was there watching. I guess I felt I could 'show off' to him. I also felt like I was never alone. I had someone physically and when I was on my own. I also felt like I was 'showing off' how special our friendship was when we were together. I dont think I was alone in this. I thik the relationship worked this way for him too. We later became romantically involved and I continued to do this. I felt like I was with him for status a lot of the time. We spent a lot of time showing off our fabolous relationship. I am quite embarassed about this. I think as time went on this was less of a need for me but he was still living his life for attention. I wanted to a child and he didnt so I made the decision to separate. I hadnt stopped loving him or wanted to leave but I knew this was the best thing for me to do. After leaving and removing myself from the fantasy I reaslised that he was always incredibly selfish and wasnt growing in the same direction. I knew I had made the best decision.

I decided that before getting into a new relationship that I would grieve properly and then begin to look inwards to try and become the best person I can be. I wanted to discover myself as I had felt that I had devoted myself and my whole life to this person. I had lost myself and wanted to find me again. I was perhaps a little selfish in this as i thought my ex would want to do the same thing but he immediately got in a relationship with another girl and then moved on to another.

During the grieving process It was if I had to deprogramme myself from having this shared identity in my head. I think now I have done that but my new problem is that I constantly have fantasies that he sees me when I am the greatest singer, or have a hot body, or am rich, or having astounding musical and dancing ability. Its as though I have moved from using an idea of him in my head to show off to and now just want to prove to him that he made a mistake in moving on from me so quickly.

It has been over a year now and I dont want this person back. I dont want to think about him at all. I want to be happy with myself as I am right now. Or at least content enough. I know this smacks of insecurity but I want to stop living in fantasies or when I'm thin and when Im a bloody acrobat
I am happy to appreciate what I have.

I feel like that this constant fantasising is hampering my life. It is not just with this person I often imagine people at work seeing how great my friends are. Therefore seeing how great my life is. In addition to this I think I spend more time than is normal imagining I have won the lottery.

There behaviours now seem habitual and un necessary. It annoys me that it is holding me back. is there a way to break to habit? Does it have a term that I could research and find out aboutt? Has anyone done a similar thing most of thier lives and learned how to stop it?

I know this was hugely long so thanks to anyone who has taken the time to read it.

Hey ryra. I can't say you are alone in this; I constantly fantasize about doing things that I'd love to do. Though I never looked at it this way, I never thought it's a bad thing. Usually I'll set a goal and work to achieve all that I fantasize about but I'm guessing in your case that's a bit harder.

It's good that you've recognized it may be holding you back. I think if you make the decision to stop, you'll win over it. Maybe when you start to fantasize, force yourself to stop and look at all the good things you have now. Think about positive qualities that you already own, your happy memories, all of that. I'm not sure if this could help but you could maybe think about your fantasy in a realistic way and consider the struggle you'll have to undergo before eventually reaching it in order to discourage yourself.

As for your need for attention, it's good to identify the cause. Why do you want attention? Do you think people aren't giving you enough attention? And if so, why? You don't have to answer any of that to me or on here, it's just self discovery, so just be honest with yourself. No one else is going to know unless you let them.

After that, you could try conquer the cause. If someone is ignoring you, don't try to pursue them. If certain people are making you feel left out, try to avoid them. You could stay for about an hour without making any effort to seek attention and after the hour passes see how you feel about yourself. Think of someone who tried or tries grabbing your attention and how worthless it felt.

Don't let this hold you back even if it seems as if you have little to no control over it. Go out, do the things you love, and do them for yourself without showing off or fantasizing about when you'll get better at them. Just focus on what you're doing instead, get yourself busy and distract your mind.

However, in your attempt to stop, don't go to the opposite side. Everyone needs validation and approval from others to an extent, and that's fine. It's human. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Hopefully this helped you some. Good luck.