lying fiance: but i still love him: HELP!

well this is my first time to write in here. i have been reading some and decided to seek some advice for my situation. I just recently ( a few weeks ago) ended an engagement to a man i love very much. but who has a lying problem. He has lied ever since we first started dating. I was not aware of this until i started talking to some of his other friends and colluges. So to make a long story short he decided that maybe he wasn't ready to get married and so he wanted to take some time to figure out why. well during this time he started "hanging out" (those are his words) with another woman, but all the while still calling me everyday, telling me he loves me and to just "hang in there" while he sorts things out. Well, i found out that he was with her and confronted him on it. but anyways, he insists that they are just friends. so, on this past monday i told him that his choices are he can move here and be with me or he needs to let me go, so i can get one with my life and heal from the pain he has caused me. well, i havn't heard from him. but really i was writing because i wanted advice from an impartial party. i still love him and really want things to work out! BUT, can his lying and manipulation be fixed? does he have to admit it to himself first? Is this breakup a hidden blessing? Are there professionals who concentrate on helping those who lie? thank you.

Few people truly change. One of the biggest mistakes a woman can make is to marry a man they think they can "fix". It can't be done. If he truly loved you, he would fix himself, and he certainly wouldn't be involved with other women. You are being shown many classic red flags. Get out now. Do you really want to wager wasting the next 10 years of your life, only to wind up a divorcee, or worse, a divorcee with children? If you do decide to give him another chance (which I hope you don't), for god's sake, don't have kids any time soon, if ever. Few things F with a child's mind more than the destruction of their family.

Oh, and after you cut him loose, he will come crawling back to you. Be strong. He will not be crawling back because he truly loves you, it will be because he's afraid of not having a woman who will take his crap.

It's the rest of your life...

thank you jack. that is what i needed to hear. i appreciate your brutal honesty!:) i have heard what you said from other people, buti guess it took the voice of a stranger to really make it sink in and know that they arent just saying it because they are biased. so anyways, thank you
ashdallas

It's a little to late for me because I did not pay attention to the red flags, I got married. Oh yeah great he takes care of me and my 4 children financially, but that's it. Not emotionally he always lies about even stupid stuff. I have found that people, especially women who may have a little issue with low self esteem seem to attract that kind of man. Go and get yourself together and be strong and get out now before it's too late. Trust me!!!

Glad I could help, Ash. Just remember that you must be strong and resist him at all costs if/when he comes crawling back. He will make a convincing case that he will clean up his act and do "whatever it takes" to win your heart back. Give in, and you'll be right back here in a year. I don't speak from personal experience as a dirtbag (happily married, thanks) but I have known a few. And if he is in fact mentally ill to any degree, you have no obligation to help him. You won't be canonized or thanked if you do, and you won't go to hell if you don't, and you'll keep your friends. Good luck.
-Jack

Hello,
I read your letters with great interest and realise that I have to be thankful to have gotten out of a relationship with a compulsive liar. The details you give are so familair, i dated a man who lied to me constantly for eight months, all the while declaringhis love for me and talking about marraige etc. and I only found out a month after we broke up that he had been cheating on me and lying thruout for 5 of the 8 months and was now with another gal he met ont he net, and had begun to do exactly the same thing!
The very sad thing is that even though her eyes were open after confronting him, (she found him on several dating websites even after beginning to talk to her about marraige, discovered he was seeing someone out of town when he said he was on a biz trip, and was shown pictures of him and me etc etc etc during hte period when he said we had broken up- its a long list) it appears she still loves him and believes he will "change" as he loves her. He says he will do anything for her including going for counselling, but I have doubts that this "good behaviour " will last. Would love to hear your comments. I am unable to help her cos she is in denial.Ironically he tells her I am just making up stories about him cos I am angry that he left me!And this gal believes him.I want ot know how I can bring justice to this man. He says its my word against his and he never wanted to marry me.
Well, I feel like I am just coming out of a nightmare and I am picking up the pieces of my life, but utterly grateful that there is the end of this tunnel ahaead and I have forums liek this to turn to. THank you for any help. sweethart

Please know that you did the right thing. I have been with my husband for 8 yrs and married to him for 5yrs. He constantly lies. And I mean about everything from stupid small things like "did he eat already" to did he steal money from me. And I am stuck in a way because I have a 4 year old with him and don't want to break up my family. But my son has started the same pattern and my husband doesn't care, he is actually unconcerned by his behavior.

The point I am trying to get to is you stopped it before it got out of control. The everyday constant lying kills you and you find yourself never believing a single word the person says and it is a doomed situation trust me I think about getting out all the time I just need to work up the nerve.

One more thing, you can't argue with a liar. They are better at it than you and they can't or won't see what they are doing. It is a way of life for them.

Hope you stick with it. I wish I could have seen the signs before it was too late. You deserve to be respected and he can't do that.

a_m_rose

Dear i_am_rose
Thank you for your kind reply. The situation you are in is certainly sad and I hope you do get out.
I am so grateful that I was only in the "trap" of this man for eight months. I never realised what a manipulative person he was. I just feel sad he is doing it to someone else now.
The thing that has helped me most in moving on and getting a real life is talking to a professional counsellor who was able to put everything in persective objectively, identifying what was true and what was fabricated and to remind me that it was NOT MY FAULT. This has allowed me to heal and get on with my life. I would recoomend you find someone who can help you int his way.
Of course it would be much more difficult for you with your Child (poor boy, they say these habits are ingrained before the age of 5, so get him away from the source quickly) BUT I do hope you'll be able to do it for him, if not yourself! I wish you all the best and COURAGE! If you have friends and family who care, believe me they will rally round and be there for you too!

All the best and good luck good faith to you and your son...SH

Hi, this is my first time to visit this website and post any message. I have read a few of the mb's and it's a comfort to realize that there are people out there going throught what I am, but also sad because I know all too well the heartache involved. My husband and I separated a year and a half ago after I left him for constantly lying to me. Money disappearing and then me having to investigate what really happened then confronting him and then him admitting that he lied. A repo guy showed up at our house to repo his car one day when he had told me when we were dating that his car was paid for. So many humiliating things have happened. He convinced me that he was going to change and started getting help for his problem. After 5 months, I returned and things were great, I still didn't trust him. We have been going to marriage counseling and the past year, he has lied to me 3 times about the same stupid things. I just recently found out about on by investigating again and he recently lost his job. He acts so wounded when I tell him that I don't trust him and I questioned why he lost his job, etc. I get so sick of the victim act that I could scream. I feel like he wasted me time this past year, his therapist's time, and we have a 3 year old daughter. I am scared of him lying to her and letting her down and the heartache she will encounter. I don't want to be with him, but I am scared to leave and what it will do to my daughter. The thing I hate the most is that my husband is a very caring person, very giving. His mother lies all the time and I think it is a learned behavior and a 37 year old habit and I just wonder if he can change. We were even trying to conceive another baby the past 5 months and now I found out he was lying to me for the past 7 months. I'm so disgusted.