I just can't do this anymore with my husband!!

Hi everyone my name is Kelly and I've been married to my husband for 9 years (together for almost 13) we also have a 17 yr old daughter (mine from previous relationship) as well as an 11 yr old son together. Sorry if I skip around at all but it's been the longest week of my life and I just need some guidance as well as maybe just a few people to just understand what I'm going through right now. I also want to apologize in advance for the length that this will be but I want to not only get all this off my chest but also to explain as many of the bigger details as possible so I can hopefully get some advice and maybe just some thoughtful words of encouragement.


I'll start by saying that my husband is a chronic liar (the true definition of the word) but I have known this for many many years now. I've tried everything I could to help him and work through his issues with him while looking back I should've pushed professional help a long time ago. I'm a very soft-hearted person who believes (well I used to anyway) that everyone has good in them and with the right love and support can do anything. It started with me catching him in the STUPIDEST of STUPID lies like him lying when I asked if he changed our sons diaper while I was gone now yes I could very easily tell he hadn't been changed in hours but still my husband would say "oh I just changed him about 10 minutes ago". Over the years I have not only dealt with that but then I caught him talking to other women online in a very sexual manner which in my personal opinion is just another type of cheating. So things have gotten worse as the years move on but still I have stayed with him picking up the pieces because everytime we would get into a big fight about it he'd end up telling me how he knew he had a problem and would do anything in the world to keep our family together because he loves me and couldn't live without me. One of the things about him was that he would ALWAYS try to turn the situation around on someone else whenever he felt like he was caught. So if he got caught in a lie he would try to say "well so & so did this or that" because it's like he isn't capable of accepting responsibility for anything. He has done that in each and every situation for the last 13 years!! Maybe this is something that all compulsive/chronic liars do but to me it just felt so personal and I felt like each time he did something like lie, cheat, steal it was almost like a personal attack on me!!

Ok now skip ahead (keep in mind the lying & cheating continued) to about 2 years ago when my daughter who was 15 at the time had $200 come up missing out of her wallet. Well of course that kind of thing I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS would've thought he would do or lie about because it's our kid. He had raised this little girl as his own since she was 5 years old because he dad isn't around much. After trying to figure out how anyone could've taken it (the wallet didn't leave the house and no one had been over since the previous week) and watching my husbands actions my instinct told me that something wasn't right. My dear husband finally after about 3 months admitted he took it although never did say why and I had already given her the money back because I suspected it was him after we narrowed it down to NO ONE ELSE BEING IN OUR HOME during the time it was taken. So now not only has he not only been disrespecting me and our marriage for many years he has crossed a new line by stealing from our children (and no before you think it he didn't/doesn't have a drug problem cause that was my first thought too). Even today I feel like the worst parent ever because I should've shown my daughter she was more important by telling him to leave back then but I didn't. That is my biggest fear that she will grow up thinking this type of behavior from your husband is acceptable because it really isn't. This happened two more times after this (that I know of) until she got so fed up that I bought a home safe and we kept her wallet in there.

Anyway so now jumping ahead again to the past 6-9 months. I have been so disgusted by everything he's done and put me through that I basically have started to despise him and can't even stand to look at him let alone talk to him. I work from home in my office so I would work almost around the clock barely ever even sleeping in our bed. I would get so mad just looking at him that I'd call him every name in the book that I thought would hurt him because I wanted him to feel just a TINY TINY bit of the pain that I've been feeling for almost 13 years now. It's terrible when you can't even stand to look at your own self in the mirror because you're ashamed of what this has done to you as a person. I feel like it's changed me so much because I have a hard time believing a word that anyone says to me because I'm just so used to being lied to it's almost normal.

Fast forward to last weekend- On Saturday morning at about 7am I caught him talking dirty on FB to a MARRIED women from his job. Well in the past it's always been random women online that live who knows where now it's someone who he will and does see each day because they work on the same line (factory job). That was it I was almost blinded by rage!! This was definitely crossing the line and I took his phone threw it trying to break the stupid thing (he was using that instead of the computer probably so he didn't get caught like in the past). He tried talking to me a bunch of times that morning but I just stayed in my office and told him I had nothing to say to him. Keep in mind that this day was also the day that I had to now go and bury my very young cousin who was murdered earlier in the week! So yes that pushed me right over the edge! The following day I still hadn't spoken a word to him but we had to bring our son to camp where he was staying for 2 weeks. So needless to say it was a SILENT ride home because while I was in good spirits when my son was around after he left I couldn't even look at my husband let alone speak to him. After getting home something just blew up inside of me and I told him I wanted to know why he was again talking to another women in a sexual manner especially one who was married herself. OF course here comes the lying!!! He had the nerve to tell me that it was only talking in a friendly way and nothing sexual about it but apparently he's so involved with his lies that he is forgetting I caught him and read it right in front of him (this is just how ignorant the man is). That just blew me up and I started shaking, crying, screaming, basically freaking out! I told him that I couldn't do this anymore and I was leaving. Now keep in mind that before we got married I told him that I would never use the "d" word (that is what I used for divorce) unless I meant it because I don't believe in them. Well I told him that I wanted a divorce!!

After that big fiasco I left with my daughter (thankfully our son is at camp) and we went to stay with my brother. Literally all night long he was texting me telling me how sorry he was that he messed up again and he doesn't deserve someone like me because he's so screwed up. He was just again saying he couldn't live without me and would rather be dead that lose his family. I spilled everything while texting with him that night. I had never told him just how much I resented him for lying to me all these years which has turned me into someone I don't even like to look at in the mirror. I also told him that I had so much hatred for him in my heart for what he did to our daughter by stealing from her. Well finally at about 4:30am it was like a switch flipped and he said to me "that's it I'm done explaining myself to you if we are done then we're done"!! Well I was pissed because I thought we were at least trying to talk open and honestly about everything and now within seconds he goes from the loving caring husband that I fell in love with to the lying scandalous jerk that I've pretty much hated the sight of.

I proceed to drive to my house right then because I said that's fine if you want to now act this way then do it somewhere else because this is not only my home but it's my children's home and they don't deserve to be put out on the street because of his actions. Well we spent some time on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday talking and thought maybe with a TON of counseling and therapy we could at least try to work on things if nothing else at least get him some help. I should add now that when we met my husband (who was only in his 20s) was a bouncer at a club but before we got engaged he made the choice to quit because it wasn't something he wanted to continue to do while starting a family not to mention it was getting more and more dangerous. So it was a mutual decision that wasn't even my idea I might add!! Well now here comes Thursday and he tells me that he told an old friend he would go work for him this weekend at the club. I COULDN'T BELIEVE MY EARS! He has made fun of this friend for many years because he's much too old to be doing what he does and looks ridiculous trying to act like he's still 20 when he's almost 45 yrs old. So I'm trying to ask him why he would want to spend the one weekend we have without our youngest (our older daughter was also going to be gone for the weekend for the most part) at the bar when we should be spending it together trying to figure out if we can work through things. He also had to work his real job on Sat. at 5am so that means he was also risking his employment by having to go to work without any sleep after being at the bar all night Friday night. Anyway he said that is was his choice and he was going to do whatever he wanted to do.

This was finally it I just couldn't take it anymore. I told him that if he didn't have enough respect for our marriage & our family to honor the agreement we made before I would even say yes to his proposal (ESPECIALLY considering it was extremely important we spend some quality time working on our issues) then I was done. He told me that since I already told him I wanted a divorce the past weekend it didn't matter he could do it if he wanted to and since he already told his friend yes he couldn't/wouldn't back out now. So I said to him if you decide to leave take your things because I don't want you to return to our house. After a very heated argument in which I had to call my brother to come over to insure nothing happened, he proceeded to take every penny out of my wallet then he just left!! After that he cleaned out the bank account down to the penny and I haven't heard from him since!!

I am so sorry if that was too long or personal or too many/not enough details but I just needed to find a place where people might actually understand what I've been dealing with for the past 12 1/12 years. I can honestly say at this point that I'm just done but at the same time I'm SCARED OUT OF MY MIND! I only work part-time from home and don't make nearly enough to pay for all of our bills and housing payments let alone all the extras for the children.

Ok I'm done ranting now so please if you have any advice, words of wisdom, or just a comment feel free to leave it. I'm pretty much open to hearing anything even if maybe it's my fault which has something that has crossed my mind many times over the years. Thank you so much if you took the time to read this whole thing and it makes me feel better after reading other posts knowing I'm not the only one dealing with this type of behavior (it sure was starting to feel like I was completely and totally alone)!!

Peace & Blessings,
Kelly

Hi Kelly,
That's really rough. It sounds like this had turned into a toxic situation for your whole family. Unfortunately, love and support only go so far, and it sounds like you had given all you could a while ago and were just at then of your rope for a while now. Divorce is sad and scarey, financially and emotionally, and I certainty wish you the best as you start to close this chapter of your life, move on and heal.
*hugs*

Hi Kelly. I know it's been a while since you posted but when I was reading through your post it was like I was reading my life. I've been with my husband for 14 years in June, married for 7. We have 1 son together (5) and I can't remember the last time I've truly felt happy, not faking it. I don't trust my husband at all. He lies over the smallest and dumbest things, like when there isn't any reason why he would have to lie. Not like I'm his mother and he'll get into trouble, but that's how it feels. 2 days ago he stole $15 out of our sons piggy bank and lied like there would be anyone else that would do it! ( NOTE this isn't the first time he's stolen from our son's bank but we separated for a few months and he promised he'd never do that again.....until now, 3 years later) my son ask him why and he lied and said he didn't even when I said yes he did (which I know I should NEVER react with anger in front of a child I feel beyond guilty over that.) So to make a loooooooooong story short he's now staying at his parents because I'm disgusted to even look at him, a thief. Just wondering how you turned out. I want to be happy again but I don't know if I can live without him. You know? it like he needs me.

If LostInMichigan is still around, I'd like to hear how you're doing.

In both the stories shared, I'm the husband. I've lied my entire life - since childhood. Small ones, big ones, lies to cover up lies. And then when I'd be caught, I'd turn things around on my wife. Calling her crazy, etc.

I lied. About everything.

From: <"Did you go out for lunch today?" "No." When I really did.>
To: "Who's that woman?" "No one." When really she was someone I had inappropriate emails and texts with.
And everything in between, and probably beyond.

Throughout our marriage, I've always vowed to change. I never did, despite really trying.

This time, I know it's different. She asks me how is it different, and I don't have an answer. One thing that's different is that I'm in therapy, uncovering a lot of problems from my past, from in my mind, from a lot of things. I don't want to give myself any excuses for my behavior because in the end I chose to do the things I did.

My point is that, if someone wants to change, it has to be more than words and "trying". Our brains and habits are stronger than that. So we need to "fix" our brains, and make new habits. And we have to want to do it.

It's been really difficult because my wife doesn't believe a word I say, and I don't blame her. Once upon a time she did, and now she doesn't believe anything I've said and done in the past too. In my attempts to cover up my lies and indiscretions (emotional, not physical, but really what's the diff, right?) I would get mad, call her names, tell her it was really her fault. Really horrible, abusive stuff.

So add abuser to the list, as well as liar, cheater, thief... because in order to keep feeding that need to lie, we have to abuse and manipulate the target.

Anyway, I'm sorry that this turned into a rambling, but back to my point.
- He won't change unless he wants to.
- He didn't do anything as a result of anything YOU did. This is all him.
- He lies to you and abuses you from an outside shell, hiding and protecting whatever is bothering him inside, hoping you'll never see it.
- So, he needs to get help, but has to want it, not because you told him to and just to placate you.

Consequently, you should be allowed to feel however you feel for as long as you need to feel it. I'm sure my wife is disgusted with me. In fact, I know she is. All of a sudden, I'm a stranger she doesn't even know. Someone who, if she knew this "me", she would never have dated, let alone marry.

jlsrbl,

I am dealing with a similar husband, and I appreciate your sharing. He not only lies and gives no explanation, he's has a new tendency to throw everything I say back at me. I'm sure I've been negative for quite a while (we've been "together" almost 17 years, together is in quotes because he seems to consistently have only one foot in the door, maybe so he's available for sex). We haven't had sex in almost a year after I found out he was on "a site" *mod edit* and found some emails between him and another woman. Neither revealed any inappropriate interactions, but the fact that he was on the site shows he was interested. I've also caught him lying about having a credit card with a large balance and recently smoking e-cigs (yesterday). I would have been disgusted at his choice to pick up a vaping habit, but with the issues we're currently going through his lie just shows he doesn't want the change you discussed. His face when he lied about the vaping was the same as when he said he didn't meet up with the lady from the email. He'd been gone on deployment and spent $1700 in just 10 weeks on who knows what, maybe her. Or strip clubs, or prostitutes.

I guess I'm waiting on the change you had, but I don't see it in sight. I have an appt with a psychologist in a couple of weeks, and I'm trying to prepare myself for divorce. We have 2 kids together, 16 and 12, and 3 animals. We have a life together that seems to come second to his impulses (spending, video games, sexual impulses, lying...) and ego. It's breaking me. We are at a new duty station where we should be building a new life, but now I'm stuck trying to figure out if I need to find employment here and try to settle or go to my hometown where my dysfunctional family is.

I feel so weak and lost, but I admire Kelly's situation (I hope she was able to move on w/o him). Separating seems to be the hardest part.

Thanks again for sharing from your perspective.

.