I am a compulsive liar, and want to stop!

I have been a compulsive liar since I was 11 years old. That is when I can really remember lying for no real reason. I didn't realize at the time it was compulsive lying, or why I was really doing it. Now, that I am an adult, I see that it has dramatically altered my life in many ways.

It was never malicious, I never lied to gain materialistic possessions, or to get "one over" on anyone. I did it to try and feel better about myself, to make up for what I feel is a boring, uninteresting life. I have always felt inadequate, and never learned how to cope appropriately with that. I figured out this was bad as I got older, and I always desperately wanted to ask for help. But who would believe me if I expressed my need for it? The girl cried wolf... And now that a wolf has come, no one will believe me. That's what I always thought.

I always knew it was wrong. But yet I continued to do it. I never understood that. Why didn't I think the lies I told were harmful? I think it was because I lied about myself, never to intentionally hurt anyone. I never thought ahead about the pain I could cause.

Recently, my boyfriend of almost three years confronted me with a situation in which I was being ridiculously dishonest. I acted like I was someone else in an online game we play together. He knew it was me afterward, and confronted me. I realized that I could no longer live that way, and that this needs to stop. There is no way I could continue this farce when he knew it. I caused the love of my life unnecessary pain, and myself emotional pain for no reason. My boyfriend emailed me, and asked me to proactively tell him everything that I told him that were lies. I replied, as it seems easier to write things down, and told him all the big things I could think of that were lies or embellished truths. We didn't speak for a few days. I sent an email apologizing, and acknowledging the pain I caused.

Today, my boyfriend called me, and we spoke for some time. I could hear and feel the pain in his voice. I told him I again what I told him in the apology email. We expressed the need for me to change. He didn't want to completely break off our relationship, but we couldn't be together right now. So we are having a separation, while I get myself some help. We will be in touch, and I will keep him posted on my progress. Eventually I want to literally be able to SHOW him I have changed. I want to start being honest about everything about me from here and now.

I'm terrified about what he thinks of me. I'm terrified of the pain I caused. i have affect not just my boyfriend, but his family and friends, with whom I have become close. I am not a bad person... I was never a bad person. I've always put others before myself, and tried to be respectful and loving. I see the good in me, but at this point... Who else will see it. They will only see that I'm a liar.

At my core, I'm still me. I'm still the same person my boyfriend loves. But the truths are overshadowed now by the lies.

Some things I've begun doing today:
I researched compulsive lying, and found this site. I also found another website for support. I started to write down things I said that were lies in a special journal. I've tried to explore what happened in my past to make me do this so habitually.

I want to seek professional help, but I have no insurance, and cannot afford it on my own. What is my next step? I have acknowledged my problem. I see where it has put me. But where can I get help? What can I do to show my boyfriend that I REALLY want to change?

Hi.

I am sorry I can't help you. I don't even live in the same country as you...

But I just want you to know, you're not on your own.

You're almost a mirror image of me. I only joined today. I've only just admitted to myself I am one.

I can't even write it yet.

I took money from my wife that she had saved...and tonight she asked where it was, and I straight up denied it even though she knew I must have taked it. I stole from my own wife.

Five minutes after denying it, I confessed. I need help too.

I lie becasue otherwise, I think I am uninteresting, and boring.

But hey, maybe now you've admitted it to yourself you know, you can start to recover. I have lied my whole life. I have lied to myself my whole life.

But you know, you're not on your own. You are not on your own. This feels like a sickness.

I guess you...we, just have to take little steps; one baby step at a time, and we'll get through it.

You know what the issue is. Maybe just by being aware and trying to chage in yourself you're already on the path. It's one truth at a time.

Good luck, and God speed.

Akaya.