How can you heal from a liar? Can you ever heal?

It is going to be long winded.

Last summer, I met a man through mutual interests and we jumped into a hotel room and shared a night together. We parted our ways the next day and said our goodbyes. As far I was concerned it was just one night between us. Later I gave him a text to say thanks and if he wanted it again, to give me a shout. That the option was there. We chit-chated back and fourth for a bit. That was June. 

A week after we met, he sent a text to ask for my address because he had a small present for me. I thought it was weird but I threw caution to the wind and ignored my gut because he was so nice when we met and that was a nice gesture. I had no reason to doubt him.

Coming up to two weeks later, there was no sign of it in the post and I gave him a text to say that nothing came and that there might be a problem with the post but thanks for thinking of me. He replied back that he didn't get a chance to send it yet and he gave me an excuse. This should have been a red flag for me - a delay in sending it and not even so much as a message to tell me so and it certainly was a red flag but I continued to give him the benefit of the doubt. Like it happens. 

After that, contact between us dwindled but we still kept in touch briefly but whatever was there was fizzling out. The issue of his gift was still there over me. I persumed he was busy and he would send it when he got a chance. I was afraid of saying anything and reminding him incase I would have been considered too needy and pushy.

Now time moves on and he suggests meeting again (in early september). This set something off in me because there was the issue of his gift still lingering in the air and I pulled him up on it. I did not want to get my hopes up on seeing him if he wasn't going to follow through with it. He replied back and he told me that he never meant to annoy me with it but he lost it. It was so vague and brief. Insincere. I tried to get my head around that. He claimed he had something for me, didn't send it, made and excuse and eventually, after I hauled him on it, he told me he lost it. Could he not have used his own intitive before that to tell me what the situation was.

I was upset and disappointed and told him so and I was very stern. This was mid-September. Although I was disappointed I thought, do you know what? Accidents and mistakes happen. I thought he would rectify it. I mean like, you would do that after betraying someone? You would try and put it right. But there was nothing from him. My last message showing the disappointment was ignored. My mood came crashing down. I tried to push him for things but I was blocked and there was no reassurance. Nothing. This was mid October. 

I tried to get my head around all that. He had a gift, didn't send it, he lost it, didn't tell me, and did nothing to fix it. The more I thought about it, the more it led me down. The more I got down, the more I thought about it. I couldn't figure if he was genuine or not but it appeared to me he lied. Why would he lie? Was it on purpose? My head was going around in a spiral of muck and disappointment grew larger with every day when the post came and there was nothing. They say it is the thought that counts with a gift and it was nothing. From time to time I would go to the post with a small just maybe at the back of my mind and there was never anything there. An empty feeling. (this was mid oct - nov - dec).

Some more time goes on and this is where it gets twisted. I snapped back at him delivering the most cruelest and cruelest of remarks and insulting words in messages, emails and phones calls. It started around xmas when I had free time off for xmas. It was quite obsessive and it went on from time to time for about 4 months.  

I didn't plan on doing that. I didn't intend on doing that. I know revenge does nothing but causes more problems and does nothing and the best thing to do is to walk away. I had so much frustration built up inside of me surrounding that situation and I challanged my engergies and expressed my hurt back at him. In turn it just prolonged the hurt I was going through. It's something I deeply regret. He probably has some sort of a problem or issues and I probably made that worse. That and there is severe recession that would impact people in many different ways and I could have made his life distressing. I don't know and it's something I'm sorry about. I guess I was hoping the more I gave out, the more I pushed he would rectify it or set me straight and be honest.

Eventually I snapped out from that vicious episode. It was just like somebody @!@@@! a switch and it stopped. I wanted to flick the switch back on but I exercised a lot of control not to.

The past couple of months have been up and down for me, all surrounding this. Although right now I'm doing a lot better. Bads spells are becoming less and less and far between. I realise that my own reaction prolonged healing and moving on.

Not only did I have all of these emotions and feelings:

- waiting in suspense and excitment
- disappointment
- false hope (that he would rectify it)
- confusion
- anger

A new feeling emerged a few weeks back - one of being used and abused. A degrading feeling. Although I wasn't used as such because I came away with some nice from that night.

I should be moving on from this but I'm not. Its like there is a candle lighting in the background that needs to be extinguished but every time I try to put it out, it burns me.

Hi, I'm not quite sure this guy is a complusive liar...it sounds like you two connected for one night and he just wasn't that into you after the fact. He may have had intenetions of sending you something but wasn't really that into it when it came to actually mailing the package. In all reality, he should have just told you that he had a nice time but that he didn't see it going any further. I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear but some people are just not brave enough to say they are not feeling it 100% in a relationship. As far as recovering from a liar, I believe you can...but it will take time depending on how extreme the lying was. If someone new comes along...give them a chance. If they don't follow through with their promises then tell them how important that aspect of a relationship is to you. If they don't follow through after that then you are better off without them anywyas.

Yes, you can heal...but you need to do something first..

become free of the "good" opinion of other people...

then you will be free of lying.

Thanks for the replies. I will reply back properly in time, maybe later today, just logged in to say that I crashed again tonight with my mood. It was a very severe outburst. Not at him though. Made no contact with him. Just uncontrollable crying and restlessness. Witg my issue above playing on my mind.

Peanuts,

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time with your situation.

Ask yourself this one question: Was that guy so amazing and badass that he was worth you obsessing over and crying about?

Do these things and you will begin to feel better:
1) Even though you feel like crap...get out and surround yourself w/ people. Volunteer at a childrens hospital and help children who need you. Volunteer at a Ronald McDOnald House. After you do that, reflect on what is really important to you.
2) Eat healthy and exercise...even if it's walking on a treadmill for ten minutes. Do something good for you. Go shopping at a Fresh Market and buy some wonderful food to make a healthy meal.
3) Get a massage or facial in a relaxing atmosphere.

It's all about YOU...not his lame @$$.

Good Luck and feel better