In the Twighlight Zone...Looking for help out

Hi...I'm joining this support group in hopes that someone out there will be able to identify with me and help guide me through this devastating time in my life. As a brief background, I'm a 37 year old female who is in the military and my career has pretty much kept me from staying in long term relationships due to frequent moves and deployments.

I just recently ended a one year relationship with a man whom I thought was the one (first time in my life I felt that strongly about someone). He is in the military like me so there was initial trust and a connection because of that. We met a year ago on match.com and that's when the lying started. I had a weird feeling in my gut that something wasn't quite right with some of the stories he told me but I thought maybe I was just putting up a defense of sorts so I chose to ignore it. Shortly after we met, I was called to deploy for a few months. He supported me during my deployment by emailing me/skype, care packages, sending romantic poems, I've met his family (twice) after I returned home. He bought me a 1 ct diamond promise ring and we were closer than ever. Then a few months ago, my supposed perfect relationship turned to pure horror and I have been devastated ever since. He has a major problem with lying that I discovered on accident and through my own investigations. To start off, he lied to me about having two purple hearts and one silver star medal. With me being in the military and having served in combat...that is just not something anyone with integrity does. Next, I discovered that he had been talking online and having phone conversations with other women he met through eharmony and match throughout our entire relationship. This was discovered after his email was logged on to my iphone and I found a match.com profile that had accidently saved onto my personal computer. Then, after seeing one of his military documents at his home...I discovered that he was married. He had initially told me that he was married before but that it was annulled after six months of marriage. I forced him to call it off with the women and file for the divorce. He did. All the initial lies were fabricated with very detailed stories. However, last weekend, I caught him a another lie. I've begged him to get help for the lying but he flat out refuses to see a counselor. I was very connected emotionally to this man. However, as hard as it was, the relationship was broken off last weekend due to the fact that he refuses to get help or even recognize something is wrong with him. I feel like I am living in the twilight zone and will wake up from this nightmare any day now. I have feelings of anxiety, severe loss, shock, thinking about him 24/7, I'm numb, tired and wake up 3-5 times per night, can't focus and very sad. The man I thought I knew is really a totally different person. My life has been turned upside down and I feel like a fool and idiot. I realize I am not perfect here and have things to work on in my personal life but I didn't deserve to be deceived...that much I know for sure.

If you have been though something like this, or have any advice, I would love to hear your thoughts as I try and pick myself back up. Thank you.

he will write you off as a lost cause and find someone who doesnt know he's a liar. he lacks interest in therapy because he's not distressed and he believes his gameplan is a winner. he will replace you with a more gullible woman.

you are lucky you escaped early.

Little Boy Lost,

Those are very sobering words...but, I think you are probably spot on. I'm still in a state of shock and disbelief about it all but like you said...I am thankful I got out when I did and I am better off in the long run. Thank you for your advice.

I'm really sorry this happened to you.
Did he at least ever admit he lied?
Sadly, I ignored all the red flags too. He lied about his education (he claimed to have a PhD, but didn't), at first I thought it didn't matter, because what I liked about him was the person inside him, not how many degrees he had. However, I realized that lying about that kind of things is just sick!
He made up so many stories about incredible things he had done or had happened to him, including having pancreatic cancer. He lied about his job, income and his marital status, he said he was single. When I found out he was living with a woman who carried his last name (he had told me he wanted to marry me!), I asked him if that woman was his wife. What do you think he said?! It was a long and difficult story and he didn't have enough time to tell me all the details about it. A few days later, he told me it was a common law marriage, that means, that in the state in which he lives, when a man and woman live in the same house for 30 days, they are automatically married and if they want to separate they don't need a divorce. If you search common law marriage on google, you will see that is not how it works. Sometimes he got very defensive and upset if I said something like "I can't believe that" or "that is hard to believe", he would get mad and asked if I'm calling him a liar, which I thought was not a normal reaction. Anyway, that was one of his first lies, he told me many many many others. I decided he was not worth all the energy I was investing in that friendship/relationship and stopped talking to him, however, I know he is now looking for his next victim. I didn't know what to feel when I saw his dating profile online. There he claims again to be single, have a PhD and teach at a university, where in reality he is unemployed. That was the proof that he doesn't have any feelings of guilty whatsoever, I feel so sorry for the women on his friends list.

Sorry for the long story, I haven't talked to him for a month, but I'm still having problems getting over his lies too, I don't think there's anything I can do about it, just wait. They say time heals...

Mina,

Thank you SO MUCH for sharing...now I know I am not the only person on this earth going through this. Yes, he admitted some of the lies because I had physical proof that it was a lie and he had to admit it. I felt like I was going psycho and that my mind was not right because he when things didn't add up, he was pretty good at explaining it. Similar to your situation, he would get REALLY defensive if I questioned him on something which in turn made me feel like I was a controlling person. In all actuality my gut instinct was questioning what he said because it didn't feel right. I have now learned to trust those feelings. He did lie about everything; it was getting to the point where nothing added up and I thought I was going crazy. He also lied about his education, being in an triathlon, what he ate for dinner, medical appointments, saying he was TDY when in fact he was out meeting other women...and the list goes on a mile long. I feel so crushed.

As for the next victim, I'm sure the women before us said the same thing about us. This is a pretty devastating experience for me because I actually thought I was going to marry this guy. I feel like a fool saying that now. People who are compulsive and pathological liars are mentally not normal and it's been medically proven. They will never understand or have a sense of guilt/compassion for what they've done or how they have wrecked someone's life because it feels normal and is not an issue for them. That's the part that is hard for us to understand.

The pain feels very real right now and I physically hurt from it. I actually experienced a new symptom today...I felt nauseous today at lunch because of him and I still have anxiety daily. However, here is a positive...aren't you glad you got out when you did? And that you didn't or have a child with this person. We have the freedom to walk away even if we feel the intense burn right now. I'm trying not to focus on what he is doing and who his next victim is. Like your ex, I'm sure he is out trolling for another victim as well. I feel bad for whoever the next women will be but I have to focus on myself otherwise I will be upset on a daily basis because of it. My goal is to learn from this and I have. I now know how to trust my gut instinct. Also, I do want to trust someone again and give someone an opportunity to be with me without having the toxicness of this person present itself in my next relationship. I look forward to finding someone with integrity and commitment someday. Don't let your toxic ex ruin your chances of trusting someone and having a loving relationship someday.

How are you doing at work and in the rest of your life? Have you told your family? Do you have a good friend you can talk to? Are you staying in a routine? I really admire you for being strong enough to walk away from the guy you were with. That takes a really strong person.

Please keep in contact and maybe we can support each other through all of this. I found this web page which gave me some good insight: http://www.yourprefix.com/chapter-4/76/148-devastation