Help

I have been a liar my entire life. I think I would have continued for to be if I hadn't been caught. I recently hurt someone that I cared deeply for because of a web of lies that I created. At first I was only upset because I was caught. Now I realize that I have a problem and I need to fix it. Though I'm not sure how. I tell myslef that I need to stop lying and just when I think I'm doing good, I start up again. I keep continue to hurt this person. I need to let go of the situation and focus on helping myself, but I just can't. I can't get it out of my mind. I'm only 24 years old and don't want to go through the rest of my life as a liar that hurts people. I don't think I can do this alone. My family is there to help but I have a hard time opening up to them about things. I find it easier to tell a stranger, but even then I tend to hold back. I went to a pyschologist for a couple of sessions but that didn't help. I felt like she was judging me and I held back a lot. I think it would be easier to talk to someone that has been in my shoes and has dealt with the same issues. Someone who understands. I was looking for support groups but I can't find anything that has to do with lying. This is the first site that I have found.

Please help me. I really don't know what to do. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions I'm open to anything. I don't want to live my life like this any more and I don't want to feel this way. I live in Southern California.

Thank you for your time.....

Firstly I wanted to say welcome to the forum.
I am glad that you have realised that you have a problem and that you need help.
There are alot of people on here with experience of lying. I am sorry you are hurting at the moment.
It is at times, hard to open up to people, who you feel may judge you. This is where these forums are very helpful as everyone is anonymous.
You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You have obviously seen the hurt that lying causes and i applaud you for wanting to make a new start. It is never too late!
You could start to tell your story on here, open up - do what you dont feel you can do with the therapists or your family. Again, this is an anonymous site.
The people on here are not qualified with qualifications, or in any form of therapy, but are qualified in life experience, and compassion.
Once again welcome to the forum.

I know its rather long but here is my story....

My lies started out small and simple. I would make up stories to make my life seem more interesting. I wanted to "fit in" with people in school. From that, my lies just began to grow. Before I knew it I was making up friends, boyfriends, even family members that didn't exist and stories to go along with them. After high school I started working and continued my lies there. Actually my lies grew even more. I found myself lying about where I lived, who I lived with, things I owned, money I didn't have, vacations I never took. I would lie about everything. I did it to make myself look better and for people to like me more. It worked for the most part. Buy at the same time, it made me feel worse. At the end of the day I would go home and still just be me. I felt empty and alone. I supposedly had all kinds of friends from work, but no one knew the real me. I was starting not to know the real me either. I began to get confused about the lies I was telling. I wasn't sure what I had said and to who. I was also starting to get confused about what was reality and what was a lie. I would think to myself that I wanted it all to end sometimes, but didn't know how to. But given the opportunity I would lie again. Things would just come out and I wouldn't even realize it until afterward. I was lying about things that didn't even matter and should have never been said.

I eventually quit that job and moved on to a new company. I looked at this as an opportunity to start new. I was going to be working somewhere where no one new me and I could be honest about everything. I would have no lies to try to remember and no reason to lie. Besides my mom and my aunt both worked for the company (at different locations) so I didn't want any of my lies getting back to them. The first couple of months of working there I did great. I wouldn't lie at all. But I found myself out of the loop. I am a shy person who really doesn't have much of a life. I felt that I had no common interests with anyone I worked with and couldn't hold a conversation with them. Wanting desperately to "fit in" I began to lie. Once again they started out small, by making up stories about things I supposedly did. I would say that I went to a club over the weekend, though I really hadn't... things like that. But since I don't have any friends, I had to make them up. Before I knew it, I had strung myself another whole web of lies.

I had created this family that I supposedly grew up with. There were three brothers and a sister. I created so many stories about this family and would tell my co-workers. The sister was my best friend who had been sick her entire life and died a few months later. One of the brothers was my on again off again boyfriend that I almost married but was in jail for domestic violence. The youngest brother I never really went into detail with. The oldest brother is where the problems begin.

I had been talking to a co-worker about this "family" and I'm not really sure how it came about but I was telling her about the oldest brother. I told her about where he lived, what he was like, his job, his past... which was all fake. I told her that he owned his on real estate company. Awhile later she was talking to me about wanting to buy a condo and asked if he would be able to help her. She said that she had some questions. I told her that I would give him her email address. That night I went home and created an email address with his name and emailed her. I pretended to be this person. I was just going to do some research and give her the information that she wanted. But when we started emailing back and forth things changed. Flirting became involved and it was kind of fun. I enjoyed pretending to be someone else. I would look forward to and get excited to get her emails. We emailed back and forth every day, at least twice a day. After a couple of weeks, we started talking through IM. We would stay up for hours talking online. At work, when we would talk I would still pretend that this guy really existed and that I knew nothing about their conversations. In reality I was having the conversations with her and I enjoyed it. I was having fun being this guy. Sometimes I would forget who I really was. Things would come out so naturally in conversation. I wouldn't have to sit and think about things to say, lies just poured out. Feelings began to develop between my co-worker and this "guy" that she thought she was talking to. She wanted to meet him. I freaked out because I knew that there was no way for her to meet him. So I made up more lies about him. I said that he had to go to Mexico for his grandmother's funeral. While down there he fell off the roof and busted some ribs. Later his lung collapsed because of it and he had to have surgery. I would constantly make it seem bad and that’s why he had to stay down there. Meanwhile, I would still pretend to be him, sick and stuck in Mexico, and talk to her daily. She believed it all.

She truly fell in love with this person and seemed so happy. My co-worker was in the process of going through a divorce because her husband had cheated on her. I knew the pain and suffering that she went through and was still dealing with. So to see her so happy and to say that she was finally over her ex-husband was great and I didn't want to ruin it. But at the same time I wanted it all to end. I knew that I couldn't keep this lie going forever and that one day it was going to have to end, I just didn't know how. But my mind wandered off on its own and created more lies. I told her that he died while flying back to the U.S. That his lung couldn't handle the pressure and he died. She was devastated and I felt horrible. I stayed with her that entire weekend trying to be a good friend, though the reason for her pain was me. She cried for days. We even took a road trip so she could just get away. I was enjoying the fact that was turning to me as a friend through it all though. I felt it brought us closer together and I was happy that I finally had a friend.

After I said that he died, I almost instantly missed pretending to be that person. I felt as though a part of me really died. I don’t know how to explain it. So, to fill that void I still pretended to be him and made it seem like he could still talk to her through text messages and email. After a week or two I made it seem like his spirit was able to come through me and be with her. She believed it and it seemed to work out great. I continued lies after lies for a few weeks.

After all of this happened her family and friends started to question and research things though. They of course found nothing about him because he never existed. Her family confronted her with all the information they had and caused her to question the whole situation as well. I feed her more lies to make it seem like he was real and all of this really happening. For the most part she seemed like she believed it, though there were times that she would question things. But I would always cover it up with more lies. I started to get the feeling that she wasn’t buying into it any more though. She began to distance herself from me and always acted like she was hiding something. I didn’t know what to do. I actually began to panic. Not that she might catch on to my lies, but because she wouldn’t want to talk to me any more.

Everything came to over the course of a weekend. My co-worker was leaving her job to pursue her masters degree. That entire day she acted really strange with me and I could tell that she was lying to me about things. She told me that she was going to her mom’s house after work to take her somewhere. I didn’t really believe her. That entire evening I was trying to call her but she wouldn’t answer. Somewhere in my mind I knew things weren’t right. I decided to drive to her mom’s house. I went there only to find out that she wasn’t going there that night. I tried calling her all night but got no where. The next day I pretty much stalked her mom’s house trying to find her. I continued to call her all day but got no where with it.

That day I went home and completely broke down. I confessed some mostly everything to my mother who had been worried about me. I only did it because I wanted her to go with me to her house. I thought that if she saw my mother that she would be willing to talk to me. I drove my mother to her house and went to the door. I knew she was home but she never answered. The following day I received an email from her saying that she knows that it was all a lie.

That Monday at work I was called into administration and suspended. She had told HR everything that I had done during her exit interview. Other employees also complained about me. They were afraid of me. I was later terminated because of the hoax I had pulled.

The next day my mother took me to the hospital. They ran all kinds of tests on me but could find nothing wrong with me. A couple of days later I went to a psychologist who ran more tests on me. All she found was that I was depressed and introverted. Nothing was psychologically wrong with me. Lying isn’t in the DSM.

I waited about a week or so before trying to contact her again. I told her that I just wanted to talk to her and explain things to her. My psychologist recommended that I do so. I was planning on being completely honest with her. I wanted to tell her it was all a lie and how sorry I was. But when she called me I didn’t do any of that. Instead I lied to her more. Then I lied to my family and psychologist about what I was telling her. It was my chance to come clean but instead I only made it worse by lying more. She believed me, or at least part of her did. It worked for a few more weeks but then she started pulling away again. It was becoming a stressful situation for the both of us. I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I didn’t know what to do.

I had an appointment with my psychologist and I broke down. I told her that I was continuing to lie to her and I didn’t know how to stop. She told me that I needed to be honest with her once and for all. I needed to tell her the complete truth no matter what the consequences. I tried to talk to her over the phone but words just never seem to come out right. So, I sat down and wrote a long letter explaining myself to her. It was the first time in my life I had ever been that honest. I had never come clean about any of my lying before. After I was finished I drove to her internship and waited for her to get out. When she saw me I knew she was mad that I was there. I wanted to say things to her, but once again the words just wouldn’t come out. I gave her the letter and she left. Later she wrote me an email and let me know how she really felt. She pretty much just said that she hates me and thinks I’m a horrible person.

She has now threatened me with legal action. I really don’t want to go through all of that. But I don’t know how to convince her that I will not contact her any further. I am not a person that she should trust. All I have done is lie to her. But I honestly want this to go away. I want to move on from this. Legal action will only make it worse for the both of us.

At first I didn’t know how to let this situation go; to cut all ties and move on. But now the more I think about the more I get mad at myself. I truly was a horrible person, who did horrible things to a person who didn’t deserve any of this. I know that all I do is continue to hurt this person and I need to stop. Not just for her sake but for mine as well. I continue to hurt my self in this process too. But I don’t know how to stop lying. I’ve been doing it so long its just become natural for me. I can’t make it stop. Its almost like an addiction. I really don’t know what to do any more.

I used to be that way, making up lies and creating a new life. Then I got involved in a relationship for 5 years that ended because I didn't want that person to find out my lies and know the real me. Now I am married to a reforming- compulsive liar. That is he used to tell a lot of lies about vacations, trips, experiences, even who his mother is. He is doing much better now. I've learned to take what he says with a grain of salt. Now he just goes through spurts of lies. I can usually tell when he is lying and I try not to call him on it. I think I really understand why he does it. He has a constant need for approval. He has never admitted to me of his past lies, but I think he knows I know the truth. This creates some trust issues, but we are working on them.

Welcome to the forums. Hopefully they will help you. There are church groups and self help meetings that you can look up. You can even google them if you don't know where to start. I found most of my information this way. There seems to be very little help on the cause, resolve, or even the diagnosis of "Compulsive Lying." There are a few books one can read. I suggest enlisting a close group of friends that are willing to help you. Support is very important. As for the other person, you will have to give it time for them to even be approachable. You need to read up on some studies clarifying the dangers between altercations of the truth, and fabrications of the truth. You fabricate, then when it gets intense you alter your own fabrications. This is the most unhealthy form of compulsive lying. I altered the truth by varying degrees. I either made it non existant or I changed facts here and there to lead my wife away from the truth.
Psychology does have studies of pathalogical/chronic/compulsive liars. If one psychologist says there is nothing wrong, reinform him of your fabrications and the extent you went to secure them as truths, if he/she still believes there is nothing wrong with you, go to another one.
The public library has books on this disease. If you are looking for a miracle pill that cures you, then it will not be found here or anywhere. The cure is in you. You are the only person with the will to command yourself to stop. No one else can do that for you. Until you take control of this impulse, you can never start your journey to changing, and living a new beginning.

Lying Sin (Max)