Facing the music but not getting lost in the band

Thank you friend

Anyway, think it can be boiled down very easily.

I suffer low self-esteem. Have spent lots of time analyzing how this came about both alone and with therapy but seems primarily related to patriarcal violence and ridicule.

Developed a "coping strategy" that was based on creating the image of Steve that I believe others wanted to see.

Have grown up with that learned behaviour - bottom line, is that in the this past year, maturity and quality of relationship with my partner has begun to ease the self-esteem issue and I simply have lost the need for the strategy.

Recent events have pushed me over the goal line (nothing like incentives to get the mind focussed) and it would appear, at least for now that the lying issue is under control.

Have some challenges however:

- firstly, have to repair damage done where I can, and reach out to those that I have hurt to apologise. This may not be accepted but they need to know I recognize it was my issue that caused most of the trauma and that I am accountable and deeply sorry.

- Have started this process with those closest to me - most importantly I have to come clean and seek forgiveness from my partner. This means all matters, no matter how painful.

- The coping strategy is not dissimilar than alcoholism - requires complete cold turkey and zero tolerance

- Need to work on the self-esteem issues that are at the heart of what has triggered the lying in the past.

Spent time with my therapist today and have really begun to understand the dynamics and also feeling comfortable that I have my eyes focussed on the right target.

Do not doubt it will not be tough at times, but when a productive life for me is in jeopardy, I can not be more serious about the task at hand.

Also, without moving forward in this way for me, I will not be the man I need and want to be for my partner.

So, the stakes are doubly high - unlike you

Steve

I too am a compulsive liar and just found this forum yesterday while trying to seek self-help. I just read your post and others and it is scary to see how similar all our circumstances are. The situations you listed that prompt you to lie.....
- I feel uninteresting, unimportant or need affection / attention
- To avoid conflict or what I believe may cause someone hurt
- When I am frightened about the consequences if I tell the truth
.... are exactly the reasons I lie. It must be a disease if our symptoms are so similar. My compulsive lies are ruining my relationship with the only woman I have ever truly loved. When my fiancé first told me she thought I was a compulsive liar, I was in denial. Accepting it took some time and now I can admit that I am. I hope admitting the problem is the biggest step to curing it. I given my problem some thought. I think the root cause of my problem is selfishness. I am terrible selfish at times. Lying to feel more interesting has selfishness at its roots. I don't want to feel inferior to someone else; I want to feel good about myself so I tell a lie. That is selfish. Maybe I just need to except that others are better than me in some things and just appreciate their gifts. I need to remind myself that I have other qualities and accomplishments I can be proud of too (remind myself that "I am not fat"). Lying to avoid conflict or consequences is also very selfish. I don't want my happy little bubble to burst by accepting that I did something wrong. Instead of lying to conceal what I did wrong, I need to be responsible. Everyone screws up from time to time and there is no need to lie about it.

I am coming to a better understanding of my compulsive lying problem with every passing day. I am considering therapy also. I think this forum could provide a good support group for us recovering liars. Like alcoholism, it is something we will need to be vigilant about the rest of our lives. I hope that will not be too hard for us. I hope not since I believe that is how the non-lying public lives their lives everyday anyway.

I too am at the lowest point in my life as well. My relationship is falling apart over this. I've been hurting the one woman who loves me and I am ashamed of myself for doing that. My case is worst in that I've done other horrible things than just lie. She is perfect, loving and immensely understanding but I may loose her soon if I don't get my problems under control. I haven't been always the best man to her even without all the lies and this may be the straw that breaks the camels back. It is hard to imaging how difficult it must be to live with a compulsive liar. They really don't know who we truly are anymore because we've lied to them so much. They can't tell what is fact and what is fiction about who we are. We are in essence strangers to them despite living with them. I sat down with my fiancé last night and tried to set the record straight. Tell her where I lied in the past and what was the truth. Needless to say it was very hard on her to hear all these things I've been concealing. Especially the things I lied about to avoid conflict. She became physically sick. The things I hid from her were some of the worst things a man could do to someone he loves. I haven't been as good to her as I should have. It was hard to hear all at once. Right now she isn't wearing her engagement ring anymore and I can't blame her.

Knowing other are out there sharing m plight is somewhat comforting. I wish you the best.

Fred

Firstly, I am sorry that you are having to struggle with this - staring down the barrel of this gun is not pleasant.

I have some things to share with you that may prove helpful, and some you are probably not going to like.

I would like to start by saying that without professional guidance the path to resolving this may alude you.

That does not mean that it is not possible to do the research, the reading, the exercises and drive personal change, but it will take longer, you are likely to suffer many more setbacks. and your fiance may need the opinion of a third party who can provide some authenticity to your claims that you at some point are on the mend.

As you know, rebuilding trust with your lady will be very difficult.

Start with a little disclaimer - I am not a professional in this area but am someone deeply dedicated to resolving the issues that have plagued my life since my childhood.

Any advice I may give you are based on my experiences alone and may or may not be relevant to you - if they help, great, if they do not, don't dispair - there are always new avenues to explore.

One of the things you will discover as you begin any earnest work on yourself is that much of the material you will read will either be bleeding hearts or theoretical in nature.

Another is that so many people profess they want to change but oftentimes the focus of that change is misplaced i.e. I read between the lines of your posting and see it transitioning from wanting to solve your issues to winning your partner back.

What you will not like - I don't think you are yet being as deeply honest with yourself as you think you are. You have to want to do this for you and in some ways, take the lady out of the equation.

If you do not, and the relationship is lost, then you will not sustain the change you profess you need and you will fall back to the patterns of old.

That does not mean u should give up on the relationship - hell no, if she means that much to you.

I am still fighting hard to re-establish my relationship - she has been away with her family in India over two months - we have been communicating throughout via email and text messages.

Somedays I think we will have it back together since the feelings are still very strong, others I am not so sure and feel it may be over for good.

Will see her shortly and then we will determine next steps, if there are any.

U must face this too - it may very well mean you have lost this relationship - then again you may not.

Trust is a critical foundation of any relationship - if generally your relationship was sound, then you may have a shot. If not, don't expect too much since you will only prolong the pain for you both.

Anyway, to you.

I have been spending extensive hours in study, analysis, therapy, counseling, hypnotherapy, reading, thinking, crying, & talking things out.

Have taken every opportunity to discuss where I am at, and also have taken stock of every relationship and situation and have attempted to make good on wrongs in every instance from my prior life.

I have written letters to my friends letting them know that I have finally chosen to face down my demons, apologizing to former lovers for how I have treated them, and spent countless hours with my two kids (who live with their mom) to make sure there is not one stone left unturned in anyone's mind that I am not sincerere in my intentions.

I wrote a 50 page followed by a 20 page letter walking through my life and provided this to my lady. I left no detail out that was of the slightest significance.

I cleared up every lie, exaggeration, example of poor behaviour, dishonesty, lack of integrity, poor decision out of guilt, and every excuse.

It was brutal - then I shared a variant of it with my closest friends (removing the things that were private to us both) so they knew what they were dealing with.

The only way back to the relationship is forward, if at all - that means 100% transparency, honesty and integrity.

I wrote a letter to one of my former closest friends - a friend with whom I am now estranged as a result of my actions.

I let him know what had happened, and what I intended to do to make good.

Amongst his comments back to me were the following comment.

"Integrity has no elastic properties - you either have it or you do not. You do not!"

This completely and utterly devastated me - this was one of my closest friends. But I had hurt him, and his family through one of my actions.

And as harsh as this was, this was who I had been.

Without doubt, some of the relationships you have had will never be the same - some may not survive, including this with your fiance.

However, u still have to move through them - every one of them.

Make good on your errors - you have to.

So, one of the things that is important - no, CRITICAL.

I suspect, as with me, you did not just become a liar - this is more likely a coping strategy to satisfy your low self-esteem.

Whatever created your low self-esteem (childhood neglect, abuse etc) you need to get to the bottom of that.

U just have to.

Then you can understand the process of thinking that creates emotions that causes programs to be executed that are self-destructive and ultimately hurtful to others.

I would suggest you look at the following books and texts

- Codepenent No More by Beattie
- Toxic Parents (can't remember the author)
- Thrive to Survive (available as PDF for free on the web)

I would start with Toxic Parents - whether this relates directly to you, the author does a masterful job of talking through childhood development and self-esteem.

Understand yourself and then you can change yourself.

And most importantly - don't accept your own BS. Don't be complacent and you have to go cold turkey on anything that props you up so you don't face your feelings.

You have to face them - learn how to interpret them, and then how to select the appropriate actions that are aligned with your core values.

Anyway, good luck and keep focussed on you...

Steve