Facing the music but not getting lost in the band

I have read so many of these posts - those from people living with compulsive liars and those have either discovered they have a problem or expect they do.

So, what better place to bear one's soul than here...

I am a 40 year old man - I remember little of my early childhood (until I was seven) with the exception that my father was violent and messed around with other women.

He eventually left - one to many attacks or one to many female opportunities and moved overseas to work. My brothers and I saw him very occasionally and heard from him even less.

During the years at home, for some reason he decided to single me out for abuse - mostly belittling everything I did and mocking my very existence.

My mother did all she could to keep the family together but in doing allowed the abuse to continue for longer than we all could defend against its potential negative effects.

I was fortunate - I was liked by my friends, did well at school without really trying and could take on and be successful in any sport.

Anyway, I grew up in England until I bolted overseas for work. I completed my "A" levels but did not get the grades necessary to enter university - basically I just not try.

I went into employment and within two years had moved overseas to Germany.

My career developed quickly - I was outgoing, smart, dedicated, resourceful and competitive.

I moved into management, then to a string of other firms moving up the ladder as I did so until I became one of the senior executive team in two of the most important companies in the software industry.

All sound good - some stuff to be proud of, right?

Well, it came at a cost - I have two marriages behind me, children from the first marriage and reportedly (although not yet proven) a possible child from the latter, and a string of ego-building lies that would qualify for the lying olympics.

It has now come to a head - I just lost a job in which I was earning rediculously well and with damage to all of the relationships to which I introduced my client.

I met a wonderful woman 3 and a half years ago now, and we have been living together since 2003 in a beautiful apartment just off Hyde Park.

She is intelligent, incredibly caring and a beautiful example of how perfect a woman and a person can be.

We were engaged last year and were planning to marry last month.

Unfortunately, my lies have surfaced and now this person who has loved me unconditionally and in a way that noone has ever reached me, has decided we should separate and determine if we have a life together, or more likely, not.

Plainly I am devastated, but I at least understood the scoop - she can not fathom at all, why I would need to lie to her about anything.

It would seem I lie in the following situations:

- I feel uninteresting, unimportant or need affection / attention
- To avoid conflict or what I believe may cause someone hurt
- When I am frightened about the consequences if I tell the truth

Either I exaggerate or make up a story to either be relevant or to prevent damage to people I care about.

I always know that it is a lie and I never am lost in the reality of it i.e. I do not ever believe what I said to have happened - either in the instance, or thereafter.

I defend the lies out of shame, not out of belief in them.

At the point now where I can no longer allow the cycle to continue in my life, let alone for my beloved, is there hope.

I am sincere in wanting to eradicate this character flaw - I am taking ownership of it and am on a "cold-turkey" plan.

Presuming this habit is like so many others, abstinance seems to be the only thing to break it.

In parallel I have ditched alcohol, and am plainly not interested in distracting myself in other ways until I have this thing licked.

I am a good person, very caring, loving, loyal, dedicated and supportive to my fiance. However, I do not want to cause her more pain.

If I can not get this under control, better she find someone who deserves her love, than live a stressful life with me.

I love her just too much to be that selfish.

So, I need to have a little hope (and maybe some good references for self-help and reading). I am in the process of arranging therapy for me, but I also need to know if I should let this lady go (she may of course go of her own accord based on her own review of where we find ourselves today).

Thank you for reading my verbose post - I am currently at my lowest I have been in my life - this would seem to me like an opportunity to grasp change and put this right once and for all.

Any and all comments and opinions are sincerely welcome.

Thanks

that is tough, me having the same problem as alot of people and your self, i see it this way, theres a way for us to get better and the loved one you either hurt or made mad should get over it. Life is to short to be mad all the time. I think that you and her can work this stuff out and get over it, and let it build a stronger foundation with your relationship down the road. Its gonna take time , im dealing with similair circumstances, if the people care about you they will be mad yes take that to heart there mad for a reason, but if they stop talking to you and just dont want to be freinds anymore then there not really your freinds. People can change for the better. The biggest step we took is we want help for our problem, compulsive lying is a disease and there is a cure for it. It takes alot to get help and even post on these fourms so its a step that we want help. I wish you luck my freind.

Joe

Suggestions for practical books, web links or papers that talk about steps to get this under control etc?

i know theres alot of books and ways to fix the problem, do a search on google for compulsive lying books and see what comes up. im sure there are tons, a counselor might help you just need find the right one. Its a disease man and there is a cure.

i found this page on accident by doing a google search for just compulsive lying. fyi.

I dont think you can do a search on google for this stuff...i think you need to face everyone you hurt and explain your situation. come clean....then you know if they are your friends or not - remember - they dont need to forgive you....life goes on - they have been hurt and you are not going to be in their life.

Firstly, I need to get professional guidance - am seeing a therapist this Saturday to begin that process in earnest.

I not only need help in developing tools to eradicate this problem from my life, but also how to communicate this issue to others in a meaningful way - not to find excuses for it.

Secondly I need to gather experiences of others (fellow sufferers, those that they hurt, professional opinion and mental health guidance). I learn fast and have put many things behind me - research, study, understanding and then action have always ultimately help we work things out in the past.

And yes, I need to confront everyone who has been hurt.

Started that process with my children, who simply adore my fiance and thought that finally I had a life with someone who was good and kind, and more importantly someone who has given me the inspiration to grow, challenge myself and create change, in every dimension of my life.

Both of my children live with my first wife in the US - I am currently in the UK.

This conversation was very hard with my daughter who is 17. She loves me unconditionally but she has watched me over the years and has suffered along with me.

She has built a very strong bond of trust and reliance on my fiance and sees her as her role model.

Needless to say, to explain what damage I have caused, why, and the likely outcome, and finally to admit that I have a problem that needs serious work was not the highlight of her life I am sure.

I am approaching my son in phases, he is younger (14), and needs a little longer to assimilate. He is very hurt about our separation and has a very deep love for my fiance.

Actually, if I am being honest with myself, I am not sure what the status of the relationship with my partner is - leastways for the moment she needs space, peace of mind to collect her thoughts and determine what her next steps will be.

Who knows if she can forgive me - I am dreading the outcome. I had made the mental switch to living a life with someone who was my soul mate, and had even begun the process of slowing letting her know that I have an issue when she asked me to move out.

Anyway, I have also spoken with my mother, and step-father, and then with a couple of close friends.

Indeed, I have asked them to tell me what they think the issues are - this has been very helpful.

All have told me that I am a good, kind, considerate and loving person and that this behaviour represents a rounding error percentage of my character but as a result of the hurt / doubt it causes, is disproportionately swaying judgment of me.

I have also discussed this with someone who was due to be the best man at our wedding a couple of weeks ago.

The cancellation of the wedding has been devastating to us both but my best man was also the CEO of a company I was contracted to work with.

My lying in combination with some other unpleasant unfortunate circumstances have resulted not only in the loss of that dream job, but more importantly in the loss (at least for the present) of that friendship.

Anyway, we had a frank conversation about the root issues, and the work I intend to pursue to resolve it.

Have not slept more than 4 or 5 hours from when we arrived home and I had to leave - four days seems like an eternity away from the person you love, leastways it does for me.

We have both had executive roles, and at times have spent periods apart, but we adjusted our lives to be together and so not waking up with her beautiful hair on my face or hearing her giggle on the phone or any other mundane but wonderful shared experience is leaving me completely empty and underscores just how important it is for me to decisively change my life and this behaviour once and for all.

I never dreamed my dream would would find me - she did and I have possibly blown it. Dearest price to pay that I can imagine for not loving yourself enough.

So, regardless of her choices now, I must get myself to rights. If I do not address this with rigor, I will never see her again, that's for sure.

If I get it licked, and keep it that way, then I hope that the things she loved she still will, and the thing that caused her hurt will be gone and she will have a new man infront of her that loves her dearly.

Anyway, I have more reading to do today.

S.

Name withheld to protect the innocent...

Jesus.

Well, I read the post and was both shocked and impressed. One thing struck me:

It would seem I lie in the following situations:

- I feel uninteresting, unimportant or need affection / attention
- To avoid conflict or what I believe may cause someone hurt
- When I am frightened about the consequences if I tell the truth

Either I exaggerate or make up a story to either be relevant or to prevent damage to people I care about.

I have wondered about this a lot – especially in the last year or so.

The weird thing is that the lies never made you more interesting. What made (and makes) you interesting was (and is) your enthusiasm and your great ideas. I think also that you seem to need love and admiration much more than most, and that leads to some of the relationships, and that leads to lies to avoid the consequences. Those lies seem very different from lies of importance.

You need affection, admiration and attention. It seems to me that’s no crime; it’s common. It’s just a matter of degree.

I’m definitely no expert, but this is the most honest I’ve seen anyone on these topics. I have no idea how this all works, but I sincerely hope you can find the help that you need, and deserve.

Well, it is a small first step, but a step all the same.

The issue with the need for admiration is as follows.

I have low self esteem. Regardless how much praise I receive, I actually just discard most of it.

It is like skinny girls who think they are fat. Everyone can see they are skinny, but their self-image is out of whack.

Good news is I feel I have a lot to offer - the years with Sheetal have improved this significantly, but I incredibly self-critical and ultimately care more about other people's opinions and feelings more than I do my own.

Since the relationships are then out of balance, I try to compensate by building my ego up, generally with BS.

However, ultimately, that same BS is what undoes the relationship slowly. The more someone pulls away, the more I raise the stakes.

Anyway, I think I am beginning to get to the bottom of what triggers it, and have a self-imposed gag order on all BS.

Caught myself a couple of times over the last couple of days on stupid things but managed to correct it before I opened my mouth.

Felt good to feel I had control over it - from all of my reading that gives me a far higher likelihood of getting this sorted, and quickly.

I have to work on the self-esteem issues - that's where the soul searching will have to come. Need some help with that too.

... I have these (somewhat, but not entirely, contradictory) views:

1) You are smart enough, and the crisis is deep enough, to keep you focused so that you can fix this with self discipline
2) The issues are deeper than you think or the solution is harder. This will require a long period of critical self-examination and recovery.

This isssue to me just seems like so much a matter of degree, that it isn't simply "stop lying." It's recognizing when the lie or some other action:
1) Simply feeds the self-esteem monster (who will always want more)
2) Is setting someone else up to be hurt (financialy or emotionally)
3) Is setting you up for more lies

The other side of the problem is self-esteem. We all need it reinforced so how does that happen? Can it happen in other ways? Does having supporting friends ("hey, you are smart and kind") help or do harm? Your comment on anorexia is a good one. What do youi say to someone, painfully thin, who thinks they are fat?

I have to think it's harder than it seems or you would have fixed it by now. Also, I'd get some general diagnostic advice before going to a specialist.

BTW you are not fat.

bgc