Im LOST

Hi everyone, Im new year. I am 23 years old and a Southern California resident. Ever since I was little-Im talking age 3, I have been a compulsive liar. To the tiniest measurement from what I really want to eat, to paying bills and even relationships... It has gotten out of control. I can't clearly say what started my routine, but like stories that I have read, it felt as though I wouldn't get into as much trouble if I lied to make it seem right. I guess you could say all my life I have wanted to be perfect and never make mistakes. Mistakes to me make me weak and feel worthless. When my depression kicked in at 5, I didn't want people to see that I was feeling down. I wanted to feel strong and accepting help - wasn't a choice for me. I also suffer from anxiety and never knowing whats behind the wall, at times, terrifies me. I think that when I lie, it's a security blanket for me. It makes me feel for the time being, Im safe.

My first relationship started when I was 12. I mean, it wasn't technically a relationship. He liked me and I liked him. We went on one date to the movies and after that, I never heard from him again. I was hurt because I was bullied as a kid and loosing something like that from a guy, it all seemed hopeless to me. I was severally depressed after because I had been rejected. I started thinking what was wrong with me... After that, in middle school, I was always bullied and picked on. This caused me to lie more and more just to fit in with the others. I knew that if I told the truth about who I was, I couldn't handle their ridicule. In the 8th grade, I started going on chat rooms. I needed friends and I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to feel loved. Growing up, my father seemed distant with me. He worked all the time, but that's not to say that he never spent time with me. Most of the fun that we had together felt forced in a way because it was on his time, not mine. Starting in the 8th grade, I met two men online. I couldn't choose who I wanted, but I knew I wanted to be selfish and wanted both. They were close to my age, however a little older. I felt on top of the world that I had two boys that were my boyfriend. I started feeling guilty because they never knew about eachother. I wanted them all for myself. I think this is when my lying started bubbling more to the surface.

In High School, it got worse. I loved the male attention and I wanted more of it. I started getting addicted to lying about who I was with so I could be with that other person. I would lie to my parents about who I was with because I was so embarrassed. It was getting out of control. At 16, I lost my virginity. I think about it now, and I really didn't like the guy that I was with at the time. I just did it because he wanted to. .... Do you see how screwed up I am? .....

Lying has been part of my life since I was a little kid. Unfortunately, it has taken over my life, my relationships, destroyed trust with those I know and has caused my depression to deepen and my anxiety to worsen. Im here to talk to other compuslive liars and those who I can confide in. I need the help and professional. I can not do this on my own!

Heya,

i'm sorry that all of this has happened to you and that you are still struggling with your lying. you didn't talk much about your current situation re: what you do each day. I think it's important that you be doing something. If you are staying at home each day, then your mind would find it easy to drift on depressive/hopeless thoughts about, well, everything.

Compulsive Lying is like any other compulsion and should be treated as such. If you genuinely feel that you cann handle this on your own, then book an appointment with your local doctor and be as honest as you can be with him/her. Breaking a compulsion at first involves a lot of thought... you have to plan ahead to a moment when you are going to break the compulsion and then counteract it. For example, if I always lied about how much money I had/earned, then I would start thinking about the next time someone asked me and would tell myself that I'm going to tell the truth the next time. If you plan ahead in this way, you are adding to yuor chances of breakign the compulsion, at least in a small way at first.

Take care
Kevin