Compulsive Liar Seeking Needed Help

Hi EllieBee,
Welcome to the forum.

In order to be of use to Dave and yourself in this situation, you need to understand the psychology of what is wrong with Dave. To that end, here are some articles which may help you work through your emotions and bring you some sort of order and peace in your mind. If we know the WHY of something, we can usually move forward better with direction from our gut about the next right step...

compulsive-lying/topic103034.html

compulsive-lying/topic115788.html

compulsive-lying/topic129187.html

compulsive-lying/topic129105.html

Big Hug,
Billi Caine

You're probably not going to want to hear this but here goes.

If he's not ready to fix his problem nothing you do will help in any way. It almost sounds to me that you are enabling him. You forgave him several times and he's made no attempt to try to fix this.

It also seems he didn't end his relationship on his own ( cheating is cheating whether physical or emotional) so chances are he will do it again. I'm not picking on him but I don't see him as having a reason to fix his problem from what you posted. You forgive him, he gets away with vague answers, and you don't seem to hold him accountable. Just the fact you are on this board and he is not speaks volumes. If he doesn't think he has anything to lose why change?

If you really want to help him start calling him on his lies. Make him go into detail when you want answers (it is so much easier to lie when being vague). Don't try to do the work for him. If he wants to fix it he will if not you have to be prepared to do what you need to do to stay sane.

Bottom line is, until he admits he has a problem and sees there will be consequences ( you leaving) he has no reason to change.
I don't mean for this to sound harsh but I don't want to sugarcoat it either. The more you let him get away with, the more he will push the line. I know this because I've done it, until my wife drew a line in the sand so to speak I would keep pushing.
I hope this helps in some way and you two can get him the help he needs.

Wise advice Colt.

Elliebee,

I keep coming back to your post because it really bothers me. I think seeing through your post what my wife went through is it. I will give you some pointers that I hope will help you.

1. A compulsive liars first line of defense is deny, deny, deny ( even when confronted with hard evidence)

2. Second and third in either order is usually anger at the accuser or the silent treatment ( the manufactured anger is meant to get you frustrated so you stop asking questions, the silent treatment gives us time to spin another web of lies).

3. Make the accuser feel like they misheard us or never told us what they are saying (gaslighting, it's meant to confuse the accuser, make them think they are the ones with the problem).

4. When finally admitting we lied and will fix the problem, do as little work as possible until the heat is off then go right back to the way we were.

Tips for you or any other person in your position.

1. You have got to be strong (or the liar will just devour you, remember, we usually have years of experience at lying).

2. You will need someone to keep you grounded, someone you can confide in that will support you.
(again, the liar will try to make YOU the crazy one).

3. You need to push the issue ( don't let his tactics distract you) you may need to take a break in the conversation but don't drop it. Get details!!!! It is much easier to lie being vague.

4. The liar needs to have a reason to change(I can't stress this enough) DO NOT MAKE THIS A REWARD! THIS HAS TO BE A CONSEQUNCE! (I can't stress this enough either)

5. Don't take them at their word that they are fixing the problem. Actions speak louder then words.

6. Don't do the work for them, if they are serious they will find sites like this one and be active on it. No matter how much you push, if they are not ready they WILL NOT CHANGE!

This is in no way a comprehensive list but I think it's a starting point. Just remember, we usually have years of experience at this so be prepared for a fight.
This is by no means an easy or fast thing to fix, there will be bumps in the road, be ready to deal with them. If the liar IS working on it and they slip, don't explode on them, just point out the lie. Don't get to high or low with emotion. Good Luck

For some reason I can't edit my last post so i'll add this here.

Elliebee, your thinking is backwards, you shouldn't be worried about scaring him away, he needs to be scared of losing you. Remember, you are the victim here not the liar.

i am 23 yrs old, im just aware that in my whole life, ive been lying everybody about my past, included to my best friend, some of the pieces of my story is true, but it does not goes like what ive telling around. Sometimes, im getting confuse between what really happen with the lies that ive created, and most of the time, i will get red handed and I found myself so believable that i can manipulate the story so it sound so real and true, and again im not telling the truth but just make it worst.Most of the time, when im tell lies, it is not because i hate that person, or i in an imminent situation to tell lies, I just dont know why. I hate myself when i get caught because of my own stupid mistakes, and lies, because i lost a lot of friend cause of it. I hate running from my problems, and acting like nothing happens. At the end of the day, all these come and haunt me. I am a compulsive liar, please help me change for the better.

I am exactly like the OP. I have been compulsively lying since a young age to impress people into liking me because I am so afraid that if people knew who I really was that I wouldnt have any friends and quite frankly, because of these lies I feel like I dont even know who I am.

I all my lies have always been to hide the truth about something in my past that I didnt want anyone to know. I have no idea why I feel so ashamed of who I am as a person. I am hoping this forum will help me on the path of recovery because I am literally on the verge of loosing everyone I love and I cannot bare that to happen. I need to change before these lies and myself completely destroy my life.

I know this is an old thread and all, but reading the whole exchange between Claudette and John Ramon...wow. Claudette, your co-worker is incredibly lucky to have someone like you in his life.

I haven't really been confronted about my lying since I was a teen and it was a lot more obvious. I'm not sure if I've been sussed out in later years and was just met with being cut off. After all, adult friendships have a different dynamic: you don't see each other every day or every other day for the most part like you do in your early twenties. People come and go, even if you're in a pretty insular community like the one I'm in.

I've gotten better with lying as the years went on but I still catch myself doing it. There's some things that just trigger it more: relationships and my origins. Men have hurt me. I've avoided relationships for the most part because of it: yet I keep referring to numerous exes.

I had a lot of pain associated with where I came from. Yes, there's the whole talk of "home is where you make it" but I need to stop saying I came from my true home: I simply have a lot of history here, and went on to make it my home. But I guess I wanted to avoid both stigmatization as well as any idea of roots in that place.

While I've gotten better with it compared to how really bad off I was as a teenager and my early twenties to an extent: still, I feel wracked with guilt ergo my handle. I feel like I can't forgive myself for what I've done and that therefore I don't deserve any happiness or success-- professionally, personally, or with a relationship. Yet I don't know if I can go forward to everyone in my life and just come out and say it. I had some bad things recently fall into my lap and I feel like it's payback for these things I've done. My father told me not to blame myself and I said "My compulsive lying and every time I've hurt someone did this." I don't think he knows just to what extent I've done it. He said that there are far worse people out there who never get payback...

Affording therapy and dealing with the bureaucracy of my insurance is an issue for me right now. I think I'd need a referral from a primary care doctor and I don't even go to one. That's if my current plan even has anything for mental health, and when I looked at the provider directory the vast majority are psychiatrists. Does anyone have any recommendations for finding a therapist who specifically knows how to help compulsive liars? Or any resources that don't require a lot of money or mucking through red tape?

I already feel less alone having found this forum: knowing that I'm not the only one who's done this and wants to change.