Compulsive Liar Seeking Needed Help

Hi Claudette,

I'm still here, went on vacation. Thanks for your words. Every bit counts and I will try them. I think one of my biggest flaws are the fact that I'm a compulsive liar. I think I've been trying so hard to remove the label than embracing the fact of who/what I am. I hate when she calls me that. I know I am and I know why she does. I feel at times I'm in a big hole trying to climb out. I get my grip as I start to climb but quickly slide back down. I can't get out of this stage, and I now question it, is it worth it. Don't get me wrong I really love my Wife, when things seems to be getting better, it's always a setback. As I type I notice, I'm really just trying to push the issue, force her to make bigger steps. I also notice I'm only thinking about me, maybe that has been one of our biggest problems. Its just so many things. I hope your learning what not to do from this forum. You never want to be on this side of the fence. Another question I often ask my self or wonder is, now that I got myself together and I'm trying to fix my marriage. What if she just decide it's not for her? Being honest, I think I would be upset because I've wasted some valuable time in my life. Sorry Claudette, I'm doing it again. How do I stop this, and start looking at it from her point of view.

Enough of me, how are things with you and Ted? Has he said anything? Feel me in.

Thanks for taking a moment out to listen.

J.R.

I hope you had a good vacation, J.R.

Not knowing you or your wife or your particular situation, it's really hard for me to say anything meaningful about your marriage. The purpose of marriage is to provide happiness, security, and stability for the marriage partners and for their children. You and your wife have to assess if those things are re- attainable and if so, what steps must be taken to work toward attaining them, but one thing is for sure--it has to come in steps. If your wife has determined she wants to try, then she has to stop throwing the past in your face. That doesn't mean she should or could forget the past, but throwing it in your face is counter-productive. The same would be true for you and your feelings about her past behaviors. If neither of you can let go of the past, then maybe it's time to move on. Of course, I don't know the situation with your children.

I wish you the best, that's for sure.

You can take credit for this, J.R. Today, at lunch, Ted pulled his ear!
And, you want to know something funny? I don't even know what he said that was a lie or what he might have wanted been thinking about lying about. I was engaged in conversation with the woman to my right while two guys plus Ted were talking about cars. I was only vaguely aware of their conversation. I never even heard the details of that conversation. I happened to turn to my left to reach for a napkin and Ted, who was next to me, pulled his right ear with his right hand. Isn't that something? I hope it's really the beginning of a break-through. I am going to do what I told him in the email--not say anything. It's enough he did that.

Both Ted and I have you to thank, J.R.

Thank you.

Take care and stay in touch and so will I.

Hi Claudette,

How are you? I'm glad to hear about Ted. Hopefully this is the beginning to something good. Now you know he does care what you think, and he's admitting he has a problem. I think you did good by not saying anything. I think the best thing now is to just thank him when he does and he will eventually feel comfortable enough to make other steps. If anything Ted has you to thank.
You have to keep me posted. I'm glad I've been able to make a difference or help you understand compulsive liars. Again Great Job.

I want to thank you for your words regarding marriage. I really don't think it's been her behavior, its been more of mine than anything. Like I mention about the lies, that also plays with my past behavior. I can't blame her for not wanting to jump back to where we were. I now understand why she wants to take a step back. She doesn't trust me. I look at the big picture, as long as she's here there's still hope. Thanks for listening and I'll talk to you later.

J.R.

Things had been quite good for sometime now, over the last month I've had several relapse. Really thought I had this thing figured out. I lied about the most simpliest things hear lately. This forum along with counseling had me on the right path. I hadn't post in sometime now and I hadn't been to counseling in about a month or so. Really looking for moral support and encouragement. Please!

J.R.

john.ramon2011 wrote:Things had been quite good for sometime now, over the last month I've had several relapse. Really thought I had this thing figured out. I lied about the most simpliest things hear lately. This forum along with counseling had me on the right path. I hadn't post in sometime now and I hadn't been to counseling in about a month or so. Really looking for moral support and encouragement. Please!

J.R.

My hat is off to you for recognizing that you have a problem with lying and attempting to resolve it. It is normal for the process to happen gradually. It will not go away in some great ephiphany, you have been falling into that groove for a very long time so it is automatic. But you are proving you are able to make changes and if you keep plugging away, slowly but surely you will get to a place you are satisfied with.

My cousin (39) and my brother (41) are compulsive liars in complete denial. They seem to just get worse over the years. I feel hopeless and alienated and tend to avoid them. It puts so much distance between people when there is no trust. They might as well be strangers and in a way they are.

In my wildest dreams they would be like you are but I know it will never happen.

Thanks! Just an update, things are going very well. I'm not saying a cured, but each day I'm a better person than what I was the day before. I think you have to tell your family how displeased you are with them. If you don't confront them things will only continue, and make it that's much harder to grasp a hold to the problem.

The only way I was able to break the addiction was to swallow my pride and apologize to everyone I lied to and be completely honest with them. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but also the best thing I've ever done. I said something like "I know what I've lied about in the past has been horrible and I know it's wrong, but I have a problem and I'm getting help with it now. I really hope you accept my apology and forgive me, but if not, I completely understand."

It's been hard, but I haven't relapsed once since then. If you want to hear my brief story, PM me. Maybe you can relate to some of it.

Good luck, tell me how it goes

First and foremost, thank you to Claudia, John.Ramon, and eab.

I too am a liar. I have been lying since I was a kid for different reasons. I've been in several unsuccessful relationships for the past 15 years and always thought every single time that I will make changes in my life and no longer lie. I finally met the person who I want to spend the rest of my life with. After being together for 2 years, I blew it... because he caught me with my lies. I know it's a long shot of trying to rebuild that relationship (still hopeful that it can be saved but doubt it) I've lied about things that I've done, people who I know... John.Ramon, after reading your post and Claudia's too, I feel that the source of my lies started when I was a kid. I was taught to lie by my parents. I was raised by a single mom and my dad pretty much left us. Didn't want to be responsible for anything. Though he visited us often, I caught my mom lie when people asked her where he was. She often said, "I don't know, I haven't seen him in years" though we just spent the weekend with him. So I lied just to protect my father from being caught and forced to pay child support. Since I was a kid, I've always known I'm different from other kids. That I'm gay. I lied about that too because I was bullied in elementary school, a kid beat me up in 7th grade, and was also teased in high school. But now, I'm a proud gay man. Nothing can take that away from me.

Last night was the turning point in my life. My life partner and I have been having issues with my honesty. A few months ago, he caught me lying. I set up an account online on a gay chatroom hoping to chat with people that I know who claim to be my friends. I've had this account for many years. I've used it on my ex-boyfriends just to see if they were honest with me. So I would use this fake account and chat with the people who I want to test their loyalty to me. The sad part is, this persona started to become real in my head. I got tangled in this web of deceit and now, got my current partner tangled too.

I had intentions of deleting the fake accounts. I knew he was there checking to see if I was going in it. But instead of deleting it, I started to chat with other guys just to create a "database" for him to think that it's not me. But instead, it got too overwhelming for me and I just got deeper. Last night was he breaking point. He did his research and found out ALL OF MY LIES. So after he confronted me about it, that was enough reason for me to tell him the god honest truth. I broke his heart and his trust and I feel like I've lost the best thing that ever happened to me. All I wanted was to have a healthy relationship and it was going in that direction in the beginning (first year and half) and this past 6 months have been nothing but deceit on my end.

Didn't get any sleep last night at all and really thought about everything. I read everyone's posts about this and I came to the conclusion that I have an issue with self worth. When I start to feel that I deserve something, I tend to do something to mess it up. I really want to stop this... with hopes that I can try and fix my current relationship but I've lied so much that I doubt that can be saved but mostly because I'm tired. I'm just tired lying.

I've seen therapists all my life and I just feel like I haven't been completely honest with them about this. I haven't really brought up the lying issue and instead I would talk about how to get over my last break ups and stress at work. I've called to see if I can see a different therapist to discuss this specific topic. I also want to talk to my mom and express to her what I'm going through. Not to put a blame on her because of what she did when I was a kid but mostly because I feel that the more people I tell about me lying, the better I would feel and less likely I will lie about something.

My partner told me that I seem to have a word on everything. That I have to know everything... That's something I've been pondering about this morning because I've never really realized that.

I'm sorry I'm all over the place right now... Just had my breaking point last night and I'm just full of emotions, feelings, and thoughts.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and I look forward to hearing from you all when time permits.

John.Ramon, Claudia, eab, I hope all is well with you guys. Reading your posts all night sure helped me. Thank you...

Hi Glenngie,
I am reminded of the quote "Oh what tangled webs we weave" reading your story. Tangled webs are the bloodstream of what I term "lying addiction" though. The irony is that as with any addiction, the lying addict needs to experience the full consequences of their tangled web choices in order to do something about changing their behavior - which is what has happened to you. I know it's deeply sad the way things have turned out but as you come to understand lying addiction, you will realize that taking on the personas of different people is par for the course of the addiction and usually as a result of not being comfortable or accepting of who the person is at their core.

You said you have never been honest with therapists in the past. This is very common too for lying addiction. However, you are now presented with a crossroads... do you go further down the rock bottom mountain you are heading towards or do you get off the mountain now and do something about your lying addiction? The choice is yours. In relation to your life partner though, I believe the only way you will have a hope of keeping hold of that relationship for the long term is to demonstrate you mean business in relation to recovering from your addiction to lying. Anything else just will not wash.

One other point... if you choose to get a therapist, go for one who has an understanding of addiction issues generally as mainstream therapists know next to nothing about lying addiction/ compulsive lying. Period.

Good Luck with your decision and Big Hug,
Billi Caine

Hello All,
I have come to this site seeking help, not for me, but for my partner. I have read through these articles, and it is apparent to me that this situation is occurring with my partner. At first I was angry, but now I realise that it is something I need to help him through. My biggest problem is when I confront him about this, he denies ever telling a lie, or wont speak to me at all.... I am hoping some of you can offer me some advice so as I can handle this in the best way for both of us.

This is the background....

I have been with my partner, Dave, for nearly 3 years. When I met him, the people who knew of him thought he was arrogant and full of crap.... but I guess I saw a different side of him. Whatever side I saw, it seemed normal to me, perhaps a few too many male hormones, but he was young and well thats boys for you! Anyway, our relationship bloomed rather quick, and we became good friends for almost a year before things became more serious.

Dave moved in with me and all seemed well... No problems that I knew of. After 18 months of living together, I was contacted by someone who claimed to be his "girlfriend".... This caused all sorts of problems, and of course he denied everything. It wasn't until she sent me copies of all his messages to her, and revealed details of a hotel booking for her when she came to see him that I realised that he was lying to me.... We patched things up, and almost a year down the track we came across this again. The other girlfriend was still on the scene, they were in love, and he was living a completely second life. When this was revealed, he again denied everything until I had proof of this other relationship. Then he admitted to a few things and once again, we patched things up. Let me make it clear, the other girlfriend lives in another country, so their relationship was purely based on messages, emails and phone calls.

I became intrigued about this other relationship, and so got as much info as I could from the other girlfriend. She was of the impression that Dave owned his own home, quite a luxurious one at that! And that he was a carpenter for a business he started, with all his friends. She also believed he had a lot of money, and raced cars. This was shocking, as Dave works in an office, and does not have a big social group, actually prefers solitude, does not own a home, and unfortunately his bank account is dry! (I hope she got a rude shock when she learnt of this).

Anyway, I dismissed this as just a boy trying to impress a girl, for whatever reason. Dave has never been overly emotional with me, and never forthcoming with information. Following this, I had a huge chat with him, and finally heard his side of the story. Although the details are not overly detailed, I at least got the story from start to finish. I also learned from his close family, that this girl has been playing a strange role in Daves' life for 4-5 years. She plays a mental blackmail game, and I can see how this could happen. She tried it with his mother, and me, both times we were too cluey to let some internet stalker get her way. Thank god for blocking!

This all came to an end, Dave and I moved on with our lives, and as far as I am aware she is long gone. If anything, I think Dave was most embarrassed by this incident. Which I completely understand. The other day, he left his email logged in on my computer, so of course I had a look to see what was going on in his life. Dave is very very secretive with passwords and accounts etc. He has never let me see/access any of his personal things, which for me is odd, as I am a very open and straight forward person. I have nothing to hide, and expect the same of him.

Anyhow, as I read through the emails, I stumbled across one to a friend of his who he worked with a few years back. As I read it I felt gobsmacked. He had written to his friend stating that he was currently touring Europe with an engineering team, assisting with developing and building racing car parts. He stated that he and his friend (a co worker at work) had started on a business venture late last year, and were partners in a revolutionary business. He had given details to exactly what he had designed and built, even went as far to describe the pressures of the workplace he was in.... Seeing as he is sitting in an office in town working on a computer, I find this very bizarre.

I questioned Dave subtly, asking him if he had been involved in any projects at work, or if he was building things in his free time. Both answers were NO. Now I knew this already, but wanted to confirm before going in guns blazing. I asked him if his friend worked on any race teams etc? He then asked me why I was asking such questions. I blew it off a sheer curiosity. A few moments later, he logged into his email account on his computer, and cleared every email in his account.

I knew at this point that something is going on, two crazy stories to two different people, both of which I should never have found about.... And so I started my internet research.... And now I am here, writing my story hoping someone can give me some advice on where to go from here.... I love this guy, I want to help him... Without scaring him away.... I also don't want him to go silent and withdraw from me.... Please, please help....