Compulsive Liar Seeking Needed Help

I'm a 31 year old compulsive liar, I've been lying for years. I've been married for 8 years now. I never admitted until now that I have a problem. Its really hard for me to be honest to my wife. Reasoning, because I don't think she like me for me, I lie to get out of what I would think is going to lead in to an argument. Its hard for me to take responsibility for my own actions. I 've lie and did some of the worse things. When I lie and I'm confronted I will defend it to the fullest. When I'm being confronted, I take responsibility off myself and place blame on others. I lie to make myself look good, or get treated a certain way, to be like. Its been hard to admit that I have a problem, I've realized it, but always felt I can stop at anytime. I haven't been able to stop for that, its a big problem. My marriage is right now hanging by a thread, I've said thing to her that I don't mean out of anger because of being called a liar and not willing to accept responsibility it. I often keep my feelings inside until we have an argument, or because things are going ok. Bottom line is I hate the person I am, I haven't lied in a month or so, that's sad. A month or so, and I'm here hoping I can talk with someone who has the same problem I have. I've been to counseling quite a bit, never completed any because I always felt I had a grasp on it, and later have a relapse. I want help and need help. I have now set up therapy and I will complete. I'm doing this because I want to be a better person, and i hate the person I am, and I don't want my kids growing up and being anything like me. I want my wife to be able to believe me, and not have to ask me 4 or 5 times am I telling the true. Honestly the marriage might be over, but I realize my life is not. I don't want to live like this any more. I want my words to mean something. Waiting for responses.

So, John.Ramon,

Can you tell us what you recall are the origins of your compulsive lying? Do you remember when you started? Or why, or is it all you ever remember?

When you did go to therapy, what did you and the therapist work on? Did he or she give you any tools to use to prevent lying?

Claudette,

Lying for me started at a young age, i remember just getting in trouble all the times (spankings) for things that wasn't to me that serious, and after a while I would start lying to keep pressure off of me. And that in turn rolled into a lot of my up bringing. A lot of peer pressure from friends, like all my friends were having sex and other things, I wanted to fit in, so I would lie and say that as well. And it took off after I notice I was getting more attention from my friends and girls. Me and my mom didn't have the best relationship, she re-married when I was younger and it just felt she chose this guy over me. It was always me, my mom and 2 little brothers. She would always put us first. And then he comes along and all that changed. From the food we liked, to nothing but foods he liked, everything revolved around him. Til this day we haven't really recovered from all that. She would tell me this is my husband he has to come first. Anytime we even go into the situation of how she treated us, it never ends good, either I hang up on her with a lot of disrespectful words, or she will. Its just so many things that I feel are origins of my lying. Therapy sessions that I have went to, I learned a few good methods of thinking before I respond and if I should lie, write it down and say how I felt when I told that lie. We would then go over the lies. The Therapist say she feels I need to feel wanted, needed, accepted or just liked. With my Spouse a lot of things I don't like, but I never say them, because things are either going quite well with us or I'm afraid it will make her upset and she want talk to me for a few days. Its almost like I feel I need attention. The time I say how I feel or what I don't like is when I lied about something and have been called out. I then try to place blame on others rather than taking responsibility. All the things I didn't like or felt a certain way are only brought up when I'm in the hot seat. With therapy sessions I would quit them because I felt I had a grasp on it and I could do it on my own. I realize now something I've been doing for years isn't going to stop after 5 or 6 sessions. I haven't been to a session with my new Therapist yet, just finished up the ins and out of it.

Hey there, john.ramon,

I apologize for not responding sooner; I've had computer issues and finally think the problem is solved.

I was interested in hearing that you had sought therapy and that you did learn some tools to use when you felt like lying.

I also understand your issues of insecurity. As far as I can figure out from having read a great deal, other than the type of compulsive lying that sociopaths do (always to take advantage of others since sociopaths have no empathy for others) it seems that most compulsive liars started in order to impress or to cover up something or to give themselves emotional support of some kind, like salve on a wound.

I am assuming that whether they started at age 8 or 15 or whatever, in the beginning, the compulsive somehow felt that the lies "did the trick"--were sucessful or else the lying would probably never have become habitual. Perhaps they felt the person(s) lied to were indeed impressed or held the liar in greater esteem than before the lie; perhaps the liar, as in your case, was spared punishment and so in that regard, the lie paid off; perhaps the liar's fantasies seemed more real and emotionally satisfying if they were voiced aloud to others, even if the emotional lift was only very transitory and fleeting. We all have fantasies, young and old, compulsive liars and non-compulsives, yet the healthy fantasizer doesn't put it out there as truth to others.

As much reading as I have done, I realize that this disorder is not well understood because it's so very hard to get compulsives in for treatment, and, of those who do go for help, it's hard for the therapist to know lies from falsehoods, but I suspect that one day they'll find a hefty percentage of compulsive liars have some neurochemical imbalances that are contributing to the actual compulsion. I joined this forum because a friend and colleague is a compulsive liar.
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(Continuing)

This colleague is a great guy, a guy who'd help anyone do anything, an excellent teacher with empathy for everyone, yet there are those who, while they speak with him and treat him decently to his face, choose not to get to close to him because they know he tells whoppers. For the longest time, neither they nor I could figure out what was going on. He doesn't lie for money or to get an unfair advantage over others, but he will lie about things he's done. At times, he tells "stories" the purpose of which seem to be to gain pity or sympathy from others. This drove me crazy. Because I like him so much and know I can trust him in so many other ways, I couldn't reconcile the loyal, steadfast, kind man of integrity he is with the man I knew lied and lied and lied. The two parts of such a person just don't seem to "go together" if you know what I mean. So I read and read and read. And here I am.

Some people like me just accept him as he is. Others shun him because they don't know when he'll come out with a big lie and it makes them uncomfortable. Others have concluded he's just a big b.s. artist and they say, "If a man will tell lies about this or that, you can't trust him in any other way." And others still have concluded he's crazy, which of course, he isn't, but until I read about this, I guess I can understand why they'd feel that way.

One thing that really surprises me about him and his compulsive lying is that you'd think someone who tells lies often would be good at it, that he'd make up stuff that was believable (I think the sociopath is likely to be believable), but his lies are transparent. I often wonder after he has told the story-- a minute later, an hour later or a day later, if he himself concludes that the story he told us was so thin and inconsistent and contradictory with other stories he has told that we surely saw it for the lie it was.

(Continuing)

Anyway, that's the story of why I am here--to seek help in understanding him since there seems no where else to go, and he's a really good guy. It probably doesn't help that he has some background in theater and acting...but let me tell you, while he's good on stage, he is an absolutely awful liar when he is just himself--as I said, totally transparent. IT's one of those cases where he has so many qualities going for him that others lack (he's handsome, bright, schooled in the social graces, witty, a really good listener, mannerly, kind....yet he lies. For the rest of us who don't have this problem, it's counterintuitive that a person such as he would "have to lie" in order to build himself up to us or to himself.

So, that gets back to cause: does he feel worthless inside or fear that others think him worthless or is it a biological compunction, driven by neurotransmission problems in the brain, or has he felt rewarded by his lies in the past to the point that it's become so habitual he can't stop. Does he realize that we know the truth. I DO know that he has seen the eye rolls of others so he does have to know.

So john.ramon, I was wondering if you had tried the tactile approach where you hold onto something like a rubber band or beads or something. When you feel the urge to lie, you can pull the rubber band and in the split second it takes to do that, you might be dissuaded from lying. Or, have you used the technique of imaging where you choose an image that you find calming based on things that you like. For instance, if you like fishing, can you imagine a clear blue lake and see yourself in the stream casting a line out--whatever pleasing and calm image you can conjure?

Are you able to identify the situations that tempt you most into lying? Or how about people? Does this habit occur more around certain people. If so, who? And where?

Lately, John.ramon,

Can you tell me what you believe your good qualities as a person are? Can you list them for me? Remember to give yourself credit where credit is due.

Claudette,

Thanks for replying back. It made me laugh when you said your friend wasn't even good at lying. I tell the stupidest lies, and it's crazy. I can't tell lie that's believable but I still choose to lie. The forum is really a breath of fresh air. I'm doing ok with my lying, I'm also thinking about it, or I'll catch myself telling one and stop myself. I hate that I lie, I ask myself all the time why can't I stop. Its pretty sad to be that type of person. All I can do is take it one day at a time. At times I grow frustrated because I'm not believed about something. I even take pictures and things like that to confirm what I said. I don't have to do that, but I do, which now is really starting to get pretty tiring. My marriage is barely hanging on if that. Me and my Wife haven't talked in a week or so. My birthday past she didn't even wish me happy birthday. I"m pissed about that, but I choose not to show any emotions about it. I can pretty much understand why, but at the same time I can't. That's what I created. I'm not really on here to save my marriage, if it fails it was only in the plans. I'm here to salvage my life. Like starting a new beginning, I will always be a liar in my wife eyes. But any how, thanks for responding and listening to me vent. I hope your friend decides to turn it around.

Claudette,

I see where on here at the same time, so my response might be out of order. Am I able to identify situations that tempt me most. Well that would be when I'm asked something and I feel it's going to lead into an argument is one of the biggest. I hate to argue. It gets you no where. At the same time thou, I realize that I'm a grown man and I should be able to stand up and take responsibility regardless of the out come. I too much think about if I told this person all the things I don't like about her, how would she respond. So I tend not say it and it just builds inside until I've lied about something and everything just blows up. I often shy away from that. Lately that's what I've been working on, and it helps, because now I'm not keeping my feeling inside.

Some of my qualities are I'm very compassionate, observant, open-minded, congenial, polite, respectful and thoughtful.

Hi-

I understand about your not wanting to argue. I tend to be the opposite and wish I could be less prone to having the last word. Isn't it funny how we often wish we had the qualities of others?

However,it's good that you are able to recognize one reason you tell lies. It sounds like you really get uncomfortable with a situation you feel will end up in conflict. I'm just guessing here really, but probably in your childhood you saw that trying to explain yourself got you nowhere or got you in trouble (as you said) and so telling a lie was a way to avoid further conflict. I think we all have done that. I know I have but it didn't become a habit and therein lies the difference.

I gather then that you lie to your wife and that has put the marriage in deep trouble.

Do you tell stories to friends and/or co-workers? Do the stories tend to fall into certain categories such as "john.ramon as a high achiever" or "j.r. as a victim" or "j.r. as a protector or adventurer or ......" ?

It seems you do have some control over your lies which means that even greater control can be exerted step by step by step. Lapses are to be expected but your plan of action has to account for the reality of such things. It's a process not an overnight achievement. How about taking an inventory of your day before you go to bed at night? Take a sheet of paper on which you list the people with whom you've had contact that day. Try to revisit the conversations and interactions you've had with them and try to recall if you've told any untruths to them. Then, put tally marks by those to whom you've told a story with a word or two of a note that mentions the subject of the lie and what you were talking about with that person right before you told the lie. Kind of like "Ben, said he was taking his nephew to a soccer game; I told him I raised my brother and sister."