liar liar pants on fire

I am a compulsive liar. I have only resently admitted to this. Until abbout a year ago I told only harmless white lies. Then after 11 years of marriage I had an affair. The affair caused so much distress. I felt out of control and became obessessed with the man I was having an affair with. I ended up divorcing a perfectly good man who loves me still. Yet I can't stop seeing the other guy- who is also a compulsive liar. He has tried to break it off with me several times and I reacted with extreme anger becasue I felt betrayed after given up my marriage for him. I started lying at this point. I told him I was pregant when I wasn't. I told him i was suicidal when I wasn't- yet I ended up becoming suicidal for a short period because of the anxiety that my lies were causing and my because of my abandonment fears. I was abandoned by my father as an infant (he was married to my mother for seven years and had three children with her- I was the youngest. He abandoned me at birth as well as the rest of the family. Years later (when I was about 9) my mother told me that before he left he told my mom he was leaving because I was not aboy. That really affected me. I also learned that he was an alcoholic and abused as a child. He also sexually abused his younger sister. He was afraid that he would abuse his three daughters so he left. I never knew him unitl I was 27 (met him briefly at age 18). I was deeply affected by him even though I never knew him. My mother always said horrible things about him in effort to make us not wan tto know him. I am now stuck in a situation where my lying has paid off- the guuy has stayed with me even though I had "a miscarriage" and am no longer "suicidal". Even though he is still in my life and has told lies himself (though most of them becasue I got crazy for a while and he needed space) I feel intense anxiety becasue I have not confessed. I am not tellng additional lies, but am still lying since I have not confessed. I don't think I can confess because this would mean losing him. If I lost him I am afraid for my metnal well being. I have a very deep seated fear of abandonment. Any insight?

Hey, Beth! You could keep quiet for a while, at least until you get the strength you'd need to tell him. How about getting some therapy and dealing with your issues? Put your mental health first for now.