Looking to change

Well this is my first post. I guess this is also the first time I am admitting to anyone that I lie all the time.
Well not all the time, and that is not a lie, but sometimes it can be for small stuff that is so stupid. I dont know why, I am trying to figure it out.
I also have to admit that I am a cheater. I have cheated on my partner on various occassions and I have either gotten caught or just confessed because I didn't know what else to do. I promised him that I would not lie to him or cheat on him anymore. I felt like I had control of both of those things. I love him dearly and promised that this would be the last time. I feel really good about that, I tried to solve that problem in the past on my own, he's forgiven me, but I let him down. This time after much talk, both of us agreeing that we would try and work it out, he made it very clear that it was all up to me - I had to change. I started going to a psychologist and speaking with her about my cheating and lying. I was doing great but then for the past couple of days I was avoiding speaking to my partner about something so stupid - a rent check and an agreement that I made with our tenant that they could pay rent late. I didn't want to talk to him about it because I figured he would be mad and I think I just lie to avoid confrontation or fear that I am handling things the wrong way or am weak.
I have lied so much to him that he doesn't trust me and he doesn't believe me when I am telling him the truth. My lying has been about my cheating - denying it, etc. I have committed to him that I will not cross that line (the cheating) again. I tell him in the morning that I wont lie to him or cheat on him. I try to reassure him that I do love him and care about him and I want us to have the kind of relationship that others would be jealous to have.
I have said I am sorry, but he just says it doesn't matter anymore, I'm always sorry.
I am not sure what to do now. I guess I was just looking for a place to admit to others what I did, that I am wrong that I am a liar -- but I want to be different, I want to change for him and I want to make him happy the way he does me.

Hi,

You mentioned that you thought you could handle this already but that you have since not been able to. As such, I thank you for coming here to look for help. It's the first admittence that you have a problem with this. Not many people would recognise such a thing as being a genuine problem, but I can assure you that it is. It can do a lot of damage in a person's life, but does your partner actually know how sad having this lying compulsion makes you feel? At the moment, he just sees you as a person who 'enjoys' lying about things, and he in no way understands how depressed/sad it is actually making you feel. What you should do is remove your defence barrier and open up to him about this problem. If needs be, then print off a one page document from the Internet about Compulsive Lying and show it to him.

I also think that you need to prove to him that you are getting help. So, I think that you should contact a counsellor or your local GP. Believe me, both will have dealt with this before because it's more common than you think.

Kevin

Thanks Kevin:

Well he was the one a few days ago (maybe a week or so) that said that he was reading on the web about compulsive lying and he asked me if I thought I was a CL. I said I didn't know, and again, I didn't want to push it off as a mental issue and wanted to take responsibility for it.
You are right. Right now, he thinks I am just a person that enjoys lying. I am really sad about what this is doing to our relationship and how I am hurting him and how he deserves better. If I try to talk to him, he says they are just words and I will just do it again.
My lie to him was this morning and he had said I had one chance to do the right thing (this was a few weeks ago regarding my cheating and lying about it) and today he said "I blew it".
He knows I am going to a therapist to discuss these issues, and I told him that I am not going to cheat anymore or lie, and that I will make this work, and if I feel like I am sliding backward (not on the cheating - that's a dealbreaker), that I will keep working on it, that I can be a better person for him.

Hmmm, so it sounds like he has at least taken time to try to understand you. That's very positive, to be honest, but now you must take time to make amends and help yourself. I think that taking things slowly will help you, as it will give you time to think twice before lying again. You might have the urge to lie suddenly pop into your head, but if you are relaxed and taking things slowly, then you might be abl to 'halt' the lie, and then just not say it. The first time you manage to stop it in this fashion, you will feel very proud of yourself. That would be a great starting point.

Well I wish he was taking the time to understand but today all he wanted to do was talk about what we were going to do now, meaning that he is done trying to work things out. He says that I will never change but I am trying to. The lie yesterday was a total mistake and I feel horrible. I apologized to him and swore that I wouldn't lie anymore. I want to keep our relationship going, we've been together for 14 yrs and that is too much time to throw it all away.
he is the love of my life and I am trying to show him. I know it will take time. I screwed up and I want to fix this. Right now I am concentrating on trying to identify why I lie, and what I can do to correct it.
I called my therapist today but she had commitments and we cant meet until tomorrow, but I want to meet with her and talk to her about what I did and how I feel and what I can do to reassure him that I am committed to doing things right.

Andy

Hi,

You say here that he's the love of your life, but have you actually told him this? Anyway, tell me how the therapist meeting goes for you. Hopefully some good will come out of it for you.

Kevin

Yes I have told him he is the love of my life but to him, they are just words because all he sees in me is a liar.
I jus returned from my therapy appt. It went pretty well, I told her that I screwed up again, that I had lied about something so stupid as a rent check when all I had to do was say that I made an arrangement with the tenant to pay later but instead I said that I didn't know what was going on.
She said "That's not really working for you is it?" meaning the lying. Of course I said no. She doesn't think I am a compulsive liar or a pathological liar, but that I lie because I have a need to always please people and that I tell a lie as a conflict avoidance mechanism. I would rather make up something that would appease the person than tell them the truth because for me if I tell the truth, and the truth is uncomfortable, then I want to avoid it.
I need to learn to deal with the conflict head on and not avoid it. the issues that we have problems communicating on mostly have to deal with money. We dont talk about it. We try to give to the other person anything they want, even if it becomes a financial burden. If it does then we deal with the burden internally instead of discussing it.
I have been (am) a cheater, but I want to be a better person. In the past few weeks I have been completely satisfied with my partner, and don't need or want anyone else. If figured, if I dont cheat, I have nothing to lie about. So solve one problem, solve the other - but it's not that simple. The big things might be the easiest to deal with but the small things, like lying about the rent check which is so trivial, are just as important - especially if the person you are lying to is hypersensitive to the lying so for them they only see total complete honesty or a liar. There is no middle ground. I know that right now my partner is hypersensitive to the lying so I am working to make sure that everything I do and say, I am honest about it - for myself and for him.

The therapist's advice was very good, and you should do exactly as she has suggested to you. I mean, try to become more authoritative and face your problems head-on instead of dusting them under the rug. I used to put everything aside too, you know that? - Now, however, I face everything head on and I'm always the first to do things, such as doing a presentation, for example. Don't be afraid of screwing up, because it's bound to happen at some point. What you CAN make sure to do is learn from every mistake that you make.

Thanks! You know, with work, I am not afraid of getting up in front of people, but yeah, I dont like making mistakes in front of people, I would rather do alot of preparation.
Oh one thing that I forgot to mention is that the therapist wants to talk to my partner but he at this time doesn't want to go to therapy with me. He was going to go, but after this lie on Tuesday, he backed out saying that it doesn't matter anymore because I wont change.
I really want him to go but I am not going to force him. When he is ready, he will go. After I left my session, the therapist said she was going to call him and try to speak to him. I asked him when I got him and he said she called but he didn't talk to her. She left him a message I think.
I know that the way to get us back on track is for me to continue to show him that I will always tell him the truth and not lie or cheat on him, but we both have to acknowledge where we fall short and work on that.

Oh my gosh..this is huge...my partner came in and asked me for the phone number for the therapist. I am happy that he is reaching out to talk to her. I hope that he is able to talk with her about things that he might not be ready to talk to me about.
I am both nervous and excited.
Andy