What is wrong with me?

Hello. This isn't easy, so please bear with me.

I'm not so much looking for a potential diagnosis, but moreso a treatment / therapy plan. I don't know if I neatly fit into any mental illness category. Perhaps I'm just plain messed up?

My main problem (since about the age of 12) is lying. I am now early 30s. I have lied about so many things, but the main aim of my lying is to get attention and care from people. I do not lie about money, successes or other materialistic things. Just things which I think will make people take care of me, or give me special attention. I have told some awful awful lies of which I am terribly ashamed. I am pleased to say I do not lie nearly so much these days, and when I do, they only tend to be very minor white lies. However, I know the temptation is always there.

I had psychoanalytic psychotherapy for 4 years but that was all based on a series of lies. I would like to return to my therapist and admit my lies, but I am too ashamed. The lies I told were regarding abuse. I think she would probably not want to know me if I admitted the truth. It would also clearly show her how disturbed my thoughts really are.

I have also lied to doctors about symptoms. I have faked seizures in the past (not anymore though) and have pretended I have had eating disorders. I have self-harmed for attention. I have taken overdoses on purposes, and turned up on my doctor's doorstep and faked collapses. I seem to need that care and attention you get when you are vunerable.

I hate myself for what I have done. I'm not looking for confessions. I know I have been a horrible person, and I regret it deeply. I am looking to understand why I have done what I've done. What is it about me and my past that makes me so desperate for others care and attention? I had a happy childhood. Two caring, loving parents. My mum was rather overprotective though as my parents previously had a child who died. I am not looking to blame anyone, just understand why. If I can understand why, then I think I'm well on the road to resolution.

I have also looked at the histrionic personality disorder thread. I do not think this is me as I don't like being centre of attention in that kind of way. I do think I probably have dependent personality but that is a self-diagnosis. I've also looked at factitious disorders and munchaussen syndrome. I fit into lots of these categories, but don't know how helpful it is to label - understanding is what I need.

Can anyone help me or shed light on what is going on here?

Thank you x

Hi, jigsawpieces! Maybe it has to do with your childhood, like you suspect. Do you think it's possible that you need this attention because your mom didn't let you grow out of it, when it should have been time? Did any one close to you lie this way too?
You're not a bad person, you just have this problem and I think that wanting to change is very important.

Thanks for your reply Jasmin.

No-one has ever lied in my close family - so I don't think it is a learned behaviour.

I guess it is down to my relationship with my parents (but mostly my mum). I'm not blaming anyone. I love my parents so much and I know they would do anything for me. Perhaps that was the problem. They always made me feel so special. Combine this with my mum's over-protective nature, and I think I probably have my answer. My theory is that I was always made to feel so loved and cared for, that I didn't really develop an ego which was separate from my parents. Of course, no-one else in your life will give you the same kind of unconditional positive regard that your parents give you (or should give you). When I didn't receive the same kind of attention from others as I did from my parents, I think I must have felt hurt, or unimportant, or worthless. This might have led to my manipulation and lies to get people to nurture and take care of me.

My self-esteem is very fragile. I often think very little of myself. I can only rate myself upon what others think or say. I cannot achieve something and feel good on my own. I need others' praise and encouragement to feel good about it. My need for approval from others is way beyond normal. This often makes me feel empty. As though I'm nothing without others.

I do still feel the same way as I used to, but I do not act on my impulse to get attention, lie, feign or deceive. Very occassionally I will entertain the idea in my head, but I quickly rule it out as i am now a mum and want to be healthy and happy for my little one - not messed up.

It's sweet of you to fight the urge for the sake of your little one. I know you will make it. You could post here when you feel like you want to do it again or read this thread and remind yourself why you can't do it any more.
I think I used to get too much attention at times and then too little attention at other times from my parents and I either needed attention from others or felt the need to be away from them. It wasn't like your situation, but I know it can be messed up.