Help me please

So I have come to realization that I have this lying addiction these past days and I hate myself so much for it. It all started when I was a teenager or maybe even younger and I think it had to do with my family situation living in an environment of abuse even though it was never directly to me it affected me a lot. Growing up around people who seemed to have everything made my life seem meaningless, boring and just bad. I wanted to be somewhere else, someone else and not accept my reality. In my teens I had so low self-esteem and every person I wanted would deny me or show disinters. It made me feel horrible and I started making up lies to people close to me. It started with small and lies and eventually they became bigger and what's worse I never realized it. I did not just understand the damage I was doing to myself to begin with. I have never lied about anyone else or made up crazy things about anyone else close to me. It usually involves me and my love life. I don't get why I'm like that, people normally like me and many have asked me out I just keep living on this crazy fantasy and tell stories to people in my life that are not true. I acknowledged this to myself recently and feel so sick, so much hatred for myself, I feel like I don't want to live anymore because I am a horrible person. If any of my lies come out my life is going to be destroyed. I love these people and I can't loose them and since I know them I know they won't let go of it and have a hard time wanting me in their lives. I have decided that I will stop lying even small things that are so unnecessary, i've been "lie-free" with my own knowledge for at least 4 days now. It feels good but I'm still sick to my stomach and don't want to live anymore because of this. Can't sleep at night or eat because of my anxiety.. please tell me if any of you have experienced the same thing? I want to be able to look forward and not have to come clean because it will only cause more damage to my self-esteem and anxiety.

Welcome Helpmou ,

Congratulations on working to break the cycle of compulsive lying ! It's hard work , as you well know . There is little you can do about the past . It may help you greatly to look into personal counseling to get to the root of why you have been doing this .

The important part is that you want to change this behavior and you are making the effort to do it . That it a fantastic step forward .

A lot of different things cause people to start to lie and ither things keep them going. Its a hard habit to break. It takes lots of time, thought, self evaluation and help from those who love you. But it is doable. We damage ourselves and those around us. I do think it is better to come clean with all the lies in order to start over fresh, and be able to build your life into what you want it to be. Its not an easy thing but I thing in the long run you will feel better about yourself and be able to move in. But yes, the anxiety is awful and can be overwhelming. But when my slate was clean my mind was so much more clear and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.