Boyfriend lied again today- thinking he's a compulsive liar

Hi all,
Completely new to this so please bear with me....

So I've been with my partner for just over 2 years, he is the love of my life and I absolutely adore him. Hes 38 never been married or had kids. The problem is I've caught him out lying recently. At least 3 separate lies in the last week alone. This prompted me to check back over our time together and sure enough - I found more lies and I've also heard conflicting stories from other people when they recount something hes told me about and the 2 versions are very different. I don't know whether I have my eyes open more now or whether the lying is increasing but I'm at my wits end as to what to do now.....

The lies he is telling are completely pointless lies that serve no purpose and they are actually starting to affect my self esteem because I just don't get why he's like this. I should take solace in the fact that I hear him lie to other people all the time but it's hard listening to them.

I was at his house just before Christmas and I noticed a cheap mobile phone that wasn't his on the side. He said it belonged to his dad and that he was going to put it on eBay for him. I immediately thought this was suspicious as he'd brought his dad a decent phone the Christmas before but thought I was being silly. A week later the phone was gone (ebay I assumed), a week later it was there again. I didn't say anything as I wasn't quite sure how to handle the situation.

Shortly after this I found women's socks in his house and confronted him. Turns out they belonged to his sister and he phoned his family in front me to prove the point. He was actually annoyed he had to do this but im glad he did. He was very smug that he had proven he wasn't lying so I asked him again about the phone and he said it was a work thing that had gotten out of hand and he needed a disposable phone so numbers wouldn't get traced back to him. I pointed out his initial explanation and he very casually said that he'd lied and what of it.....? He said I'd caught him by surprise which is why he lied in the first place. We talked it through a few days later and he couldn't give me an explanation of why he lied. I told him he didn't need to lie to me. I have 2 children and they will not be brought up in an environment where lying is acceptable. I told him if he wanted to continue with this "secret" life of his then I wouldnt be with him. He assured me it was a one off.

I couldn't get the lie out of my head - what else was he lying about? Was he cheating? So many questions......I had the opportunity a couple of weeks ago to go through his phone - not proud of myself but I did it. Never done it before and completely felt like I was violating his privacy but I needed to know. Amongst some lies, there was also loads of stuff that i found that he hadn't told me about - he'd taken out a payday loan, spent the night at a friends house that was at least a £60 taxi ride away and got back in touch with an old friend. I've spoken to him before about not telling me things and shutting me out - he says he forgets things or doesn't tell me things if he sees them as not relevant.
I bumped into a friend of his today whilst out with my children and we had a chat as we hadn't seen each other for a while. He told me he'd spent new years eve with my partner - just the 2 of them at my partners house playing video games etc and having a laugh......my partner told me he'd spent the evening over his sisters and stayed there overnight. I still have the text chat on my phone so checked over the messages.......I know he's lying because a conversation I read on his phone between him and another friend my partner told her his friend was at his house with him so it was just me he lied to. I actually confronted him on this lie tonight and he assured me he's not lying and that he did stay at his sisters and that his friend is obviously confused about what night he was there. New years eve is a pretty specific date to get confused about.... It was only through text as he has the flu and I don't want to be around him and catch it! It really frustrates me that hes still lying when it's obvious he knows I know he's lying yet it continues. He's gone very quiet this evening now so maybe he realises? I haven't brought up that I read the conversation on his phone about nye as I know that will be thrown in my face and used as an excuse not to address the real issue. Even a couple of days ago he got a day off work and said his mate was covering his shift - his mate knew nothing about it. He also told me he'd spent his evening doing assignments on his laptop yet the following day when I went to use his laptop the Skype conversation I had had days before was still open on the main screen. The laptop hadnt been touched. I confronted him on this one. Again he assured me he had done work which I knew was another lie. Its constant and I don't know what to believe anymore! I dread him opening his mouth at the moment........please help!!

Welcome Luluweb22 ,

I am sorry that this is happening in your life . There are no easy answers . As much as you love your partner , he is the one who must come to terms with his lying and decide to make a change or seek help for it .

His compulsion to lie has nothing to do with you . You are not the reason he does it and it is not your "fault" that he feels the need to lie . Do not take responsibility for this in any way . Do not let him gaslight you by telling you that " You don't remember " or " You must have misunderstood " .

If he will not address the issue , you have to ask yourself some hard questions about your future with him . He is not a bad person - you know that already . But until he gets some kind of help or even admits that his lying is out of his control , then you will be dealing with this for the entire time you are together .

If you choose to confront him again , I suggest doing so calmly , without anger and with the focus on wanting him to stop a destructive behavior . If he refuses to admit or discuss anything , you may have to make the decisions that will best serve the interests of you and your children .

I wish you both the best .

Thanks for your reply.

I really don't know the best way to address this. Last year I got talking to another friend of his who asked me if he thought my partner was a liar. He said he knew my partner lied a lot and asked me to verify my partners whereabouts on a couple of occasions his friend was unsure about. Turns out he was telling the truth on these occasions. It seems he can tell the truth when he needs to but lies about the most irrelevant things.

It makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who has noticed all this but we had only been together for a year when that conversation took place so I guess I was a bit naive as to what was happening back then.

What is the best way to deal with this? Should I get his friend on board with me or go it alone?

He's messaged me this morning after going silent last night asking if I'm not talking to him now. I replied that of course I'm talking to him but I will not let him turn this onto me.

TIA

Also, is the fact that he hides so much part of being a compulsive liar or is that something different?

I'm afraid I don't have many answers for you . This is not a compulsion that I am familiar with myself . Have you read the topics at the top of the page ? There is a lot of good information there .

I hope that some of the other members here can guide you , but this forum is not always active . If you do "have the talk" with him , remember that compassion is more important than proof .

Are there counseling services available to you ? Perhaps they can offer some advice about how you should approach your partner .