Saying it out loud

Yesterday was the first day I said it out loud. I am a compulsive liar. When I heard myself say it I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, I didn't like the way it tasted coming out of my mouth. I felt gross and unworthy of everything. I found myself asking, how did I get here? How did I let it get this bad?

When I was growing up, my dad was my whole world. I looked up to him as if he was God himself. I idolized him. I wanted to be just like him. In my eyes, my dad could do no wrong. Until he did... My parents divorced when I was very little and my siblings and I saw my dad every other weekend. Every other Friday I would count the minutes until school was out so I could go home and get picked up by my dad. Eventually as my siblings got older and started dating, they stopped coming to my dads twice a month and eventually it was just me. The dynamic of mine and my dads relationship changed drastically. I think he felt abandoned by his other two children, although I know he would never admit to it.

He started to talk about my mother more and my step dad. Saying crude things about them that scared me. After all I was only 12 or so. He started to talk about how bad my mothers cooking was, her driving, and other things that had never even crossed my mind before but of course, my dad was saying them so they must be true...

I eventually figured out that if I said similar things about my mother like my dad has said, I would suddenly have his undivided attention. So I started lying about my mother. I started saying I hate her cooking, it's always so dry and bland. (when in fact it was and is still quite the opposite) It started out with little lies that I didn't think would harm anyone. My mother would never find out and my dad only wanted to talk to me more now. It's a win win for everyone I thought. Until it wasn't anymore...

As my lies came more frequently, my dad began telling me more things about my mother. Things that you shouldn't be telling a 12 year old girl. Things you shouldn't be telling anyone in fact. Details about their divorce, the reason for their divorce and crude, inappropriate things about my mother and step father. Eventually I started to hate my mother and step father. I grew cold and bitter. And the lies just kept on coming.

Eventually my dad asked me to move in with him and of course I jumped on the opportunity. Knowing my mom would never let me move in with him (for many obvious reasons) I created this fake reality at my mothers house so my dad would get me out of there. And he did just that. Without any word to anyone except myself and his girlfriend, one day my dad literally plucked up from my moms house, called her the following Sunday and told her I wasn't coming home.

Looking back on this experience, the hurt and pain I caused my family; my mother especially. It's heart wrenching to think about. I'm still very angry at myself for this. My lying has only gotten worse from then on. It has taken over my life. Sometimes lies come out so fast I don't even realize I'm lying. And sometimes I do.

People who don't compulsively lie, or don't have an addiction, or gambling problem, etc. will never fully understand what it is like to deny and not understand why you do the things you do and why you are the way you are. Then what it is like to finally open your eyes, look in the mirror and realize, finally, you have a problem. After however many years of this hell I've created for myself, I finally see myself for what I am; a compulsive liar.

Are you saying that you started lying after your Dad made up lies about your mom? And you lied to get taken to your Dad's household? That sounds like an immense kind of betrayal on the part of your dad. Wow.

Thank you for sharing your story. I have my own issues with lying due to my narcissism, which has revealed itself more and more to me over the years and I'm realizing new unwholesome $#%^ about me every day. Lying was never an addiction for me, but people have come into my life who I'm starting to realize had lying problems as well, some huger than mine. Learning about other people's experiences has been helpful and elucidating.