I tried to save Myself but my Lies destroyed everything

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. The web has been spun so big that i will probably lose the man of my dreams and his wonderful family. I will try to cut to the chase and give you enough background as it has become apparent to me.

I was in a marriage for 19 years and of that over 10 were very abusive. I wouldn't have called myself a liar before as I felt I never needed to. What unfolded in my marriage over years of abuse i now realize that lying became my survival.

The first 5 years the abuse started very slow but by the time i was pregnant with my 2nd child i was being beaten and mental abused on a very regular basis. We were a very middle to upper class family and my husband did very well for himself. We weren't the stereotypical scenario. Anyways the pattern of abuse got worse, much worse. I was afraid to mess up or say anything wrong that might trigger him, at that point it was almost anything. I found myself afraid to say anything and for the simplest things that wouldn't merit a wrong answer I started to lie. I noticed that gave me a buffer of no abuse for a while and some piece. This went on for years, the lies growing and the abuse intensifying, but in my mind the lies were helping me for the time.

Fast forward 18 years into the marriage, the beatings were very bad. I am a very educated and at the time owned a great business, so i wasn't a pushover. Anyways, i went to my Dr for an exam and she found a lump in my breast, actually under my armpit. I went for tests and they said it was cancer. My husband got the message as i was out of the country. It was amazing the beatings stopped. Stopped for a while, a long while. The mental abuse and threats still continued but the physical beatings ceased. It didn't hit me then but i understand it now.

Fast forward again 1 year...I was beaten so bad that i knew the next time i wouldn't be alive. During that year i found out that they made an error in my diagnosis and gave me someone Else's results, I was cancer free. Anyways i left with my two children and started a new life. Everything was great and for the first time I could breath and feel free. Free from the abuse and free from the lies that I made to protect myself.

Fast forward again 2 years... I'm into a new relationship, so beautiful, so peaceful but i don't know why i told him I had cancer. I don't honestly know what happened for me to go there. Fear? Insecurity? Attention? I don't know. I think now it was so much. I hadn't resolved my pain from my marriage, all the abuse. These are not excuses, these are legitimate observations on myself i have made. I cannot blame anything on him ( this new man). I wanted to be loved and adored and I guess now looking back i thought that this was the lie that would do it as it helped me when i was being beaten for years before.

It's now 4 years later and we've been married for almost two years. The lies have grown horribly as you might well imagine. Cancer doesn't stay stagnant obviously. I told years of lies to cover the other lies. I want to make clear that I only lied about the cancer situation nothing else. (which is I know bad enough). Anyways, as you might imagine, I've been found out. I haven't admitted to these lies yet but i will be. I will stand before him and destroy the man of my dreams because of my fears and utter sickness that lying creates. We were the perfect couple and I ruined everything. I don't believe once i tell him he will want to work things out and I totally understand why. I'm sick for what I've done and the lives I've destroyed. I have to face what I have done and free myself and give him back his life. I sound like a horrible woman but I'm exactly the opposite. I'm loving, giving and very sensitive to others needs and emotions. I never wanted for this to happen and I know he will think I'm sick and disgusting. I wouldn't blame him the least.

If my punishment is to lose him then I deserve that, but I pray that I don't. I need to love myself again and know that i can be loved without the lies.

For anyone that reads this that has cancer or family or friends that are suffering with cancer, I am truly so very sorry. I'm sick with myself and feel like the way to give back and heal is to volunteer my time driving cancer patients around for their treatments.

I will do everything I can to learn from this horrible situation along with therapy and I hope if anything can be taken away from this it's that YOU are worth the TRUTH!