HELP - May Lose the love of my life...

My bf (soon to be ex maybe) and I have had some issues and most are related to my inability to tell the truth. I know I have severe self esteem issues and that plays a large role but my lies have hurt him so badly. Most recently we split up and when we started to see each other a bit more I was in need of his love that I thought if I told him that my absentee drug addict dad had died. He showed sympathy and let me into his life more and when things started to get more involved and were looking like we might end up together again I had to tell him the truth. We had a huge falling out but I went to therapy and then faced him and told him he is right. I have a problem telling the truth and that I hate myself for it and for hurting him.

I am reaching out to several therapists that specialize in this kind of issue and I want to get better. I want to love myself and to be able to have a happy, healthy, truthful relationship. Is there anyway he would give me a chance and work with me? I mean I know he has been so hurt so he would need to work through the healing process and we would have to work to rebuild trust. Is it possible?

God I just wish I could fix all the harm I did...I feel lousy about myself and I am deathly afraid of losing him. He is the only person in my life that tried to love and take care of me. HELP!

Hi

I think it sounds like you're trying really hard to get love and care from your boyfriend through what you're telling him. That desire is so human and so natural - we all need kindness, compassion and love. It's ok that you feel that you need that from him - it's a wonderful part of who you are that you have the capacity to be loved and to seek out love.

I also understand how problematic it could be if you tell lies to receive that love and care as it can break down the very relationship that you need so much. Is there a way that you can express how you feel and what you need from him without saying things that aren't true? Or what do you think's stopping you from being able to do that?

I like your username. It feels like your true self is very present in the desire to be loved. I hope that you can also find a way to feel that your true self is enough and is loveable, because to me you feel really loveable and human. I hope that you're able to work things out with your boyfriend and I really hope you'll be ok and that things will get better for you.

Thanks again for sharing such a moving and vulnerable story and for letting us know you.

Best wishes,

Lisa

I'm a compulsive liar myself and I can relate to the fear you're experiencing through this. It's contradicting and frustrating, you spill and tell yourself it's the last time, but the lies fail to cease.

Under suitable circumstances - should you receive beneficial support and material, the opportunity to rectify things is there, you just have to believe it and work towards your destination.

From my understanding (correct me if I'm wrong) -- professionals are helping you with this? If so, how did you approach the topic? I've never received support for my compulsive lying, so I'm curious.

Thank you both for replying. It means a lot!

I am seeking help from professionals. I saw a doctor who just diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder. I guess habitual lying is a symptom of this disorder. I am so ashamed but I am also ready to stop hiding from the truth and to get the help I need to live a happy, healthy and AUTHENTIC life.

It was tough but I reached out to doctors and therapists who seemed to specialize in the kind of trouble I am having. This will be the first time I confront my habit of lying head on so I am hoping I can really rebuild myself and learn to love myself enough to know I don't have to lie to be cared for.

Wait, a doctor issued a psychiatric diagnosis? isn't that a psychiatrist's authority? compulsive lying isn't required to meet criteria of BPD, but it's not recherché. Regardless, I wish you the very best with recovery, just remember that it takes time and patience, expect fiasco. don't be ashamed.