Facing consequences

Hi everyone -

Like many people on this site, I've lied my whole life. My main thing is lying to avoid conflict and stay out of trouble.

My wife and I have been together for 23 years. (I'm 47 now, and she's 49). When we first got together, I cheated on her by making out with my ex-girlfriend... Idiotic thing to do-- basically, I made out with her to avoid conflict with her. I didn't tell my wife for a year, and then I confessed it, but I dragged out the confession for a long time, trying to make it less egregious, but admitting more and more each time. It was a miserable period for both of us, but somehow, we got through it.

At some point, I realized that I could avoid lying by not doing things I wanted to conceal from her. Even after that, though, I've lied to her and to myself about less concrete things, like how I feel.

Anyway. That's all the back story. Throughout all this, I didn't realize what a problem lying was for me, especially after I stopped lying about concrete things. Recently, though, we had a fight, and the ex-girlfriend issue came up... After all this time, she can't trust me still, because I've never completely stopped lying.

So I've committed to stopping. That's why I joined this forum.

Now what we're dealing with are the lies from the past, coming back. I'm trying to come clean about things I've lied about in the past, and trying to be honest in the present, too. This has resulted in a lot of conflict... She's mad at me for things I've lied about. I guess that's a natural consequence. Being honest right now also means saying what I think/feel, even if that leads to more conflict.

So I'm struggling. I know in the long run, coming clean and being honest will make our relationship better. But right now, in the short term, it's horrible.

Any thoughts or advice?

Thanks in advance,

HF

HF,
I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm having the same issues with my wife, not that they aren't deserved, I've lied consistently to my wife over the years as well.
I'm doing my best to be open and honest about the past and it's a double edged sword, on one hand she gets upset about what I lied about and that I lied. It's a vicious circle , all I can do is be honest about what I lied about in the past, even if she's still not sure if she can believe me or not.
I'm just doing my best to stay committed to being honest and taking the past lies one at a time.
Be strong, I know it's tough, we can get through it.