Im new, dont know where else to get help :-(

Hi. Ive never been on anything like this before. Its just that a couple of days ago my fiance of 2 years was exposed as a compulsive liar. I feel so stupid. I must have known but all I can guess is that I wanted to believe him?
The first 3 months of our relationship was based entirely on a lie. He told me he was a firefighter. A couple of wks later he said his friend was paralysed falling from a window at a fire they had attended and that this had traumatised him. I already loved him, and I supported him through his therapy and ultimatly his job loss as a result of the recurring panic attacks he was experiencing due to this trauma. I felt for him, I cried with him. I did evertything in my power to help him through it.
Then I found out he was an electrician. People laugh at this story but I think it is twisted. None of the above happened. He lied about his proffession in order to impress me and the weaved a tangled web in order to get out of it. He made me feel that in a way it was complimentary that he had felt he wasnt good enough for me and was only because he came to love me so much. So I forgave him.
Since this, he has regularly lied about various things. Some big, (i.e drugs, other women etc) which is absoloutly heart wrenching. And some small (where he has been, how he got home, how much money he earnt at wk, what he had for lunch!) which I simply dont understand. It came to a head a couple days ago when I found out about another woman for the second time. He says he has only been flirting and in contact with girls but never gone 'all the way' and I think it may be an ego boost for him. But is this a lie also? Would I be stupid to believe that he has not been technically unfaithful? I am struggling with this at the moment. Also I wonder if I can forgive him because whenever I have questioned anything he makes me feel like I am insane and has regularly told me that I need help for trust issues. And even though he has admitted to having a problem and has promised to seek help is there any help for these people? Or is he not likely to ever change?
He has been a father to my two children for the past two years and they adore him. Do I cut him loose and save us all now or do I give him yet another chance and see if he can change? And if I do that how can I know he has changed as most of the time I dont know if he is lying anyway?
My life just doesnt feel worth living. I miss the person I thought he was but I hate the things he does. Im struggling to be strong for my children.
Please can somebody help me

Hi Gutted

I am sorry you are going through this pain - yes it is very difficult to understand.

The first thing that you must realise, and clearly do, that there is no logic in that he knows that he has a lying problem, will seek help etc, yet makes you feel crazy for having trust issues.

This is quite common and is a form of projection. It is to protect the liar from facing facts that they really do affect other peoples reality and lives, and having to face the fact that they have a problem.

You are not crazy, and you are not strange for not believing anything that you hear from him now.

Why would you?

The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again but expecting a different outcome.

i.e he tells you something, you believe him (why wouldnt you) you find out it is not true, you forgive him. He tells you something, you believe him, you find out it is not true, you forgive him. He tells you something, you dont believe him, why would you, its often not the truth. This is logical. This is part of what has made us human beings be able to adapt and become the strongest race through evolution. We learn from our past mistakes.

No one can tell you whether your bf has actually cheated. Although this is very painful, the issue here is much deeper than this. The man even lies about what he had for lunch.

As for whether you get out or not - only you can decide. Perhaps some of it should be based on whether he really acknowledges his lies, and how he is going to tackle them.

You cannot change another person, only he can decide if he wants to change and stop lying. With all the best will in the world, you cannot stop this. Unfortunately, his choices will ultimately affect you and your children, and your lives.

So i guess its time for him to show you some actions, as you cant believe his words. If he says he is getting help, only believe him if you go with him. Ultimately again, this doesnt mean that the benefits that he gets from therapy will make changes to your life - the things that affect you and your children. He is the only one that can decide not to lie.

I wish you good luck.

Thank you, starz. It is very difficult to understand but its very good to know that there are other people who understand what I am going through, I know that my problems are nothing compared to other peoples but it was a relief to find this site and recognise my situation in lots of posts. Reading all the different posts has also gone some way to helping me understand that liars arent nesessarily bad people either.

You are right, I know that I am not crazy, but it is scary how much mind control he seems to have had over me in that sense, I was truly doubting myself every time I questioned something he said. But I guess that is the effect he was hoping for!

He has moved back in a couple of days ago, and we are taking things slow. Ive got my guard up as I dont want to let myself be hurt again - I decided to give it another go as he has booked some therapy and has also asked me to go along so that I know he is not lying. He has also confronted all of his family members and friends face to face and admitted to having a problem with lying. He has invited them to ask him anything they have had their suspicions about and vowed to set things straight. I know this has all been very hard for him and that goes some way to telling me that he doesnt WANT to continue lying. Wether or not he will be able to actually do this remains to be seen.

Thank you for your reply I was feeling very alone! (If you hadnt noticed).

Take Care.
x

Dear gutted,

I just want you to know what you are going through is apparently the story for a lot of us... and it is a very hard and difficult thing to endure.

Starz offers good advice when she tells you he has to be the one to get help... And it is true that you can only believe actions because words mean nothing.

If I were to offer you one bit of advice, it would be to get your own therapy. I tell you this through my own experieces with my husband who I found out is a compulsive liar. I found that even through all of his gestures of admitting he has a problem and promises of getting help... he would lie again and again. I soon found out for my own sanity, I needed help to cope. I needed to hear this was him and not me..even though he always wanted to make it about me "oh I had to lie to protect you"... "or I felt like I would disappoint you"...etc... I needed to know I wasn't going crazy. And the hardest of it all... I had to let go of the idea I could help him and move on with helping myslef.

I would add to all of this that through this process comes acceptance of the situation. This doesn't mean that you accept the lying and become complacent.... it means you will come to a realization he is who he is (whether he gets help or not) and regardless you must move in a direction that is best for you...

For now, don't make any major decisions until the dust settles and you can see what you are dealing with. Time is very telling and you will know what to do as you regain your footing and confidence in yourself that you are indeed not crazy.

Imme