My girlfriend is lying all the time, need some advice

I will try to tell the whole story, as I am at a loss right now about what to do.
I have a girlfriend (I am a woman too) we have known each other for about 7-8 months, we've been dating for 4 months now. I think she has a lying addiction.

We live in different cities not really far from each other, it takes only 20-30 minutes by car to meet, but we can't really see each other. She lives with her parents (she has a sick sister, I know that for a fact, and it is quite a burden for all of them, and so she claims she can't leave them because she has to be there for her sister), she works there. First we had different schedules as well as I'd been working in the afternoons and she has her shifts in the morning, so it was really hard to find time to spend together but we managed. She even found the time to surprise me a few times, she just turned up on my doorstep without a word. But after a month or so problems started to rise. I found a different job with more money and started to work there, I didn't have to work in the afternoons so I thought that finally we got to see each other more. It was all well and good for about two or three weeks, when one morning she announced that she couldn't get up from bed because her back hurt. I believed it because she told me on several occasions that she had had back problems, but that afternoon when she went to a doctor she told me she needed surgery. It was the worst three weeks of my life, as I couldn't even visit her in the hospital because she didn't want me to meet her parents. They know she is a lesbian and she says they hate her for it (I never really understood why she lives with them if this is the case).

While she's been in the hospital I found out that she and her ex were to see a movie on a day when my girlfriend told me a totally different story. It totally broke me that she lied to me. I knew they were good friends after the breakup, I even encouraged her to meet and talk to her, because she doesn't really have so many friends and I know she's still very important to her. When I told my girlfriend I knew about the movie she denied everything, but after I told her the name of the movie she confessed. We had a talk, I asked some time to think, while she was practically begging me not to leave her. I gave her another chance, but after that one lie came after another. She told me she went to sleep, and half an hour later she came across me in a bar with some random people. She told me she was working on Halloween, but one of my friend's girlfriend were parting exactly where she was and I had to find out from her pictures on facebook that my girlfriend was there too. She had no reason to lie to me, as on that night I couldn't even meet with her. Several occasions she just can't remember what she said to. For example she says she goes to work and an hour or so later she texts me that she's enjoying herself in a spa...

At the end of december I had enough and called her on one of her lies. She totally broke down, she told me she knows she has issues and that she wants to change and that she feels she is loosing herself. She asked some time to spend alone, she claimed she didn't even go to work for a few days. We rarely talked, just a few texts a day, and it was always her who initiated the conversation as I really wanted to give her some space and time. (I think sometimes I was a too much for her. I always texted her, constantly wanted to talk to her, I somehow suffocated her but we had a big talk about it and then I took a few steps back.)

But I got really suspicious that it is not simply a personality issue with her but something more serious. After our two week break she claimed that she wanted to go to therapy and wanted some help but I'm afraid it is just another lie. She keeps lying to me about minor things.

Last week I asked her to show me her scar from the surgery but she refused to take off the bandage. She said it was bleeding, though two days earlier she was at the spa again. I asked her if she had surgery at all, then she got really upset with me but when I remained calm and told her that I still love her she should just be honest with me, she remained totally silent.

I do not even know that she cheated on me or not (probably, as I know for a fact she befriended a few girls on facebook during our relationship from different chat rooms and dating sites, but when I asked about them she told me they were just talking but when we met on that night in the bar she was with one of them.)
She says she knows she is not reliable and asked me not to love her and just leave her because she wants to spare the heartache for me because she can't change. I think she doesn't even love me and this is just an excuse so it is not her who breaks the whole thing off.

Now I really don't know what to do.
I don't want to leave her behind but I obviously cannot be in a relationship with her either. I want to help her to get some help I just don't know how to do it. I don't want to scare her away but I want her to know that it is not OK to lie to me either. I don't know how to do it without hurting her even more. I just don't know what to do. Some advice? I would appreciate it.
(sorry for my grammar and everything, English is not my native language)

You've got really clear English and grammar actually.. Mostly i can tell a non-native but there's nothing in your post to suggest that you're non-native (:


This sounds like a really difficult situation for you and all you can really do to help her is gently persuade her to have some therapy and tell her that she's good enough already without needing to lie.
People lie because they gain something from doing so.. some people gain attention, some people get themselves out of trouble, some people lie because they need to be viewed a certain way by other people..
Your girlfriend sounds like she's doing a combination of all of them but is mainly in the ''need to be viewed a certain way'' category..
and in truth.. this tends to be the one that is the greatest struggle to break out of..

She sounds like she keeps all the different parts of her life very separate from each-other and almost has different identities with different people.. (is very unsure of how to be herself)

To be honest; I'm not sure there's much you can do here without being hurt a lot in the process..
what you're already doing is perfect and you're offering her a hand.. she may or may not take it..
Can I suggest that you set a strong limit on how much you'll take here..?
Make sure you're protecting yourself and placing yourself as just as important to take care of as you place her.


I had a really similar situation with my last partner and I ended up having to walk away in the end.. horribly painful in the short term but better that i did it before I went through another 6 months of not knowing what was happening from one minute to the next.
With mine, i asked him to go to therapy with me and he agreed.. then when i got therapy sorted out he said he didn't have enough time and would go in a month (in the New Year) - the New Year came and he said he wasn't ready.. at this point I walked, I needed to.

xx

Thank you for your reply and your advice! I will definitely take it.

She says she goes to therapy but I'm still not convinced about that. Though I can see that she's trying her best to make a change. We had two big talks, she confessed she has a problem with lying, told me about the reasons and that she wants to change this. She asked me to be patient with her and she even asked for my help. I never ever thought that one day I will hear these words coming out of her mouth because she tends to do everything on her own and she is even proud that she doesn't need help in anything and can solve all her problems alone. She clearly realized that now this is different.

Now she tells me when she goes out with friends (even her ex). She is more open with me and tells me things she didn't do before.

I think it is going to be a very slow process. I am convinced that she really wants to change and I do hope that she's gonna be successfull.

The one thing I do not know if I should call her on her lies immediately or should I wait for her to confess (she did that a few days ago... told me a lie and I knew it was a lie and then she confessed a few hours later but I never told her I knew she's been lying) or just let them pass. And I'm not sure if I should tell her when I feel insecure about her words and talk it over or just keep these for myself and see what happens. It is really hard sometimes to decide. Though nowadays I didn't catch her with anything but we have some unresolved issues and I do not know when to come up with them if I should bring them to the open at all. I do not want to ruin anything by being impatient and take her back to square zero.

I really want to help her and be there for her and I think I have enough strength to do this. Now to come to think about it I thought it would be harder but it is not that bad. We try to make one step at a time and she seems to be very determind. I don't want to get my hopes up but I'm already happy she is willing try.

This all sounds pretty positive (:

Opening up and talking to you about her issues is really good and if she can keep being open like this, it's a really positive sign that she'll likely be okay.
The main issue as you know is when people think that they have to struggle with everything on their own.. to speak to you shows trust (and trust is the main point)

Telling you where she's going and being honest about who she's going with is great.
I love that she admitted to lying a few hours after she told the lie.. I think that your thought on waiting for her to admit things instead of instantly confronting her is a really good one.
I'd probably speak to her about the lies as soon as she made them in some situations and i'd let some others pass by.. perhaps speaking to her later if they were big lies that really needed to be discussed.

Really though, it depends on both of your moods at the time.. it's always best to talk when you're both calm so you can both speak calmly without too much emotional stuff getting in the way. (i so need to remember this sometimes)

Why aren't you convinced that she goes to therapy.?

I would definitely talk to her about your feelings when her words make you feel insecure.. make sure that it is her words that are affecting you though rather than her accidentally triggering some hurt from the past though. I get quite insecure myself sometimes and i try and work through it by asking myself what other women would feel in the same situation.. whether it's just me or if most people would react the same way.
If it's just me then i'll explain to the other person that i'm feeling insecure and it has little to do with them but if they could help me out by understanding then that would help a lot.
If it's not just me and everyone would feel the same, i'll explain to the other person that their words/behaviours are quite difficult and could we work at maybe reducing the difficult stuff.

xx