confused

Hi Im new on this site
I don't know where to begin and to what to even write exactly. I have enough trouble to fill a few books and more. But the real problem is lying.
I was talking to this person online and due to my insecurities I lied to him. I lied about what degree I was studying, I will eventually be doing the degree he thinks Im currently doing at the moment but it still feels wrong. I lied about my height (by 2cm ) and I lied about my age (by 1 year). I never thought anything would happen or that we would even meet in person so I didn't pay to much attention to the lies. We ended up meeting and started dating. I wanted to came clean then but I thought it wouldn't last but now our relationship has became serious and we both love each other very much. Hes talking about marriage and a future together and it just scares me as I haven't been honest with him. I'm scared if I end up telling him I will lose him, not that he would care about these lies if I had been honest from the start but his trust would be broken because of the lies but I don't know how strong a relationship based on lies would be either. I know people assume that if a person can lie about small things they can cheat and lie about it too but this is not the case. I would never cheat on him or hurt him in such a way. My lies were formed before I fell in love with him. I don't know what to do and this is eating me. Ive been depressed because of this and feel very guilty keeping the lie going but any alternatives might mean I lose him forever. I thought about breaking it off early on so that I didn't have to tell him I was liar and live with the humiliation of it but I couldn't. I know I should just be honest but I feel to embarrassed to do it. I don't know what to do ? should I break up with him in a gentle manner ? as he might break up with me with hate if I tell him Im a liar and save myself the humiliation ( I guess Im selfish if Im going to be heart broken I don't want to be remembered as a liar)

As a compulsive liar who is trying to heal and change, I feel your pain and it's one of the reasons I've avoided getting too intimate with men. I've told little white lies about things that seem relatively insignificant or too far in the past for them to care-- jobs I held, long-term relationships I had (in reality they've been mostly casual or barely attempted), my birthplace.

Then even if I was truthful or mostly truthful I was afraid I'd compulsively lie about SOMETHING.

I too have been incredibly insecure and it caused me to lie heavily in the past. I've gotten a lot better with it over time but still slip. I feel insanely guilty for it today.

It's going to hurt but I would come clean to him. If you really want to change and stop compulsively lying, tell him you are trying to stop these behaviors. Take a look at Billi Caine's sticky posts about why we feel compelled to lie and what we can do to stop it: they were extremely helpful for me on my path to healing.

If he really cares about you and is worth his salt in that he's already talking about marriage and a future together? He will be at your side through this. But there is also the chance he may decide he can't trust you anymore: but at least you were honest before it got to be too late. I've decided that facing up to it and tackling this addiction head-on is better than constantly running away like I did in the past. I haven't let out everything but I told one of my close friends of 10+ years the truth about my birthplace yesterday. She told me to stop beating myself up and there are far worse things I could've done. It felt like a weight came off my chest and it's only the beginning. I realize there's some people I could lose along the way. A romantic partner is a hard one to lose. But you'll have the satisfaction of coming clean and starting over.

Also, not sure how it works where you live but in NY, you need to show birth certificates for a marriage license. I think the birthdates get printed on the license too. Assuming it's similar where you are...lying about your age will come out one way or another if it really got to that point. Better to get it out now.

I think if I have to be honest with myself, I think I never saw myself starting something deep with anyone and somehow it made the lies seem harmless. But now I have to constantly keep lying in order to cover my old lies. And its not just him. Ive lied to my friends, Ive lied to my parents. I feel like if I was to fix a lie, it would be by telling another 100 lie to cover it up rather then admitting I had lied.
I don't know how he'll react if he finds out. (I wont be marrying him anytime soon so he hopefully wont find out yet but these things have a way of coming out and I dont know what he would do)
I'm so scared of people judging me and if I told him about it he might tell his friends about it as well and I dont know how and if could handle that.
I feel like the only way out is by breaking it off and forget about all the lies. But I know even if I did that I will end up lying again to the next person about something. Its hard for me to admit that i have a problem and until now I kept telling myself its harmless but I think it reached a point that it is damaging me and people around me. I don't want to lose him either I really do love him and see a future with him but if I was him I wouldnt want to be with someone like myself and it seems like there wont be any future with him if I told him the truth. Im delaying the inevitable by telling more and more lies to cover things up and I somehow think I can fix it by changing my DOB and starting in the other degree - but then I'd need to lie about why I have to study longer then I would of needed. I know the right thing is to stop lying and take responsibility but I cant get myself to admit to my loved ones that I have been lying to them. Is there ever a good outcome from this

I relate. I've definitely lied to family and friends. Covering it up with more lies just seemed to come naturally if I was found out, though the natural course of life also took some people out of my life-- graduating high school and moving, then the natural course of adulthood in that some friends just came and went. But a vast majority of us are part of the same community, some still active and others aren't anymore...so I relate on this guy telling his friends and/or other people. Not a 1:1 comparison, but close enough I guess. I'm fairly respected in my community and truly on my own merits. But I fear what could happen if my secret got out to too many people.

If making a clean break from him before it's too late outweighs the risks of coming clean...it might be the way to go so you can concentrate on battling this addiction. That's kinda what I'm going through:

Things were going great for me the middle of this year. I met a man over the summer and was seeing him casually. To be fair, we both agreed to keep it casual but then after about three months in I started to fall for him. I admitted my feelings a few weeks ago and he told me he didn't want to be anything more than just a FWB then ceased all contact with me. It hurt like hell, given that I usually kept everything casual: but I found that I was able to be honest with him for the most part. Just the standard lies about my birthplace, how many relationships I'd been in, and maybe a little posturing at the very beginning. (But I could tell he was posturing too.) But it was a HUGE step up from the past and the whoppers I'd compulsively tell men to sound more appealing and/or in need of protection. I otherwise had been very raw and honest with him and it felt great.

So....his rejection hurt. Hurt bad. But I took it and the other bad things that happened to me lately as retribution for the lies I told, that I still catch myself doing like I jsut mentioned. And that while I really liked him and wanted something further?

It wasn't meant to be. We had some good times and he showed me a man could like me for the real me even if he's commitment-phobic. And hey, he made me feel like the sexiest woman alive! But I also took his cessation of our arrangement as a sign that I need to sort out my problems like coming to terms with lying addiction before I can see a man seriously like I wanted to with him.

This could be the same for you.

I'm no expert by and far and I'm just getting started in the process myself. I know I likely won't be able to confess on every lie I ever told to my loved ones. Take baby steps and don't beat yourself up. Writing on this forum is a great way to start: just a written admission alone is a beginning. I think my first post here was the first time I could say it to myself that I have a problem. Admitting the truth to your loved ones may result in them trusting you less and having to earn it back. Some may leave you. Some may be surprisingly supportive. This is what I've found so far.

Still, take it slow. Start by admitting you have a lying problem. Take a look at some of the other posts here, Billi Caine's guides, know that you are not alone. Try to determine if there's any particular situation that triggers you to lie-- inferiority, insecurity, avoiding confrontation? Remind yourself that you're worthy of taking your life back. Admitting to yourself is the first step then maybe try the least judgmental person out of your friends or family-- I've also seen suggestions for therapists and faith leaders you can trust. Speaking from personal experience, I am unable to afford therapy and don't have religion. So I went to my friend of over a decade who I felt would judge me the least out of everyone I know. I haven't told her everything yet. I'm not ready to. But I started with some of the most persistent lies I've told and the weight of guilt is starting to come off a little.

Even if you do lose some people, know that you likely would have lost them anyway once the lies were found out. I definitely did. But the best outcome is getting your life back and starting to seize control of this addiction.