I am a liar.

As long as I can remember I have told lies. When I was a kid, I would lie to avoid trouble with my parents. They were not abusive, dad may have been a bit over the line with his punishments, but I am not trying to blame them or attribute this to something they did, when I was young, I learned that I could lie and avoid trouble.

Over the years I found I could lie to achieve other things, get my way, get out of activities I wanted to avoid, "Cough Cough, I am sick and don't want to go to school". I remember I was selling candy bars for the boy scouts, and I had eaten a few. Maybe 3, we are talking about $3 worth of candy. I was so terrified of telling my parents I sold the next 3 bars at $2 each to cover eaten candy. Then lying became a way to cover mistakes, no it looked like I sold more candy, so I got positive attention, and it covered up my mistake.

Fast forward to now. I am 35, madly in love with a woman who I don't deserve. I have lied to her, inflated myself and my past, and I have been peeling away those lies, telling her the truths (most of the time her prying them from me). I lied about my education, I lied about my failed business, I lied about my debt. Here is the saddest part, NONE of that would have mattered to her. None.

Recently, she wanted her stepfather to do my taxes, and he wanted my last 2 years tax returns to look over. Bad part, I hadn't done my taxes in 2 years. Part of the whole failed business and bury my head in the sand about debt was that I didn't do my taxes, can't really say why. So I panic, look up tax law, file the two back years late and then make copies of these forms for her step dad to look at. Soon as I am finished, I realize... I allowed my ex to claim my daughter in one of those years, SO I MAKE A NEW SET excluding that bit of info, because I didn't want to have to explain why I would do that. Now I am in the middle of trying not to lie, and I have convinced myself I have to do all this to hide this information because she may want to leave me if she knows how irresponsible I have been. She already knows how irresponsible I have been mind, you, I just don't want to deal with this being added to that, so in my head I am doing all this convoluted and quite frankly dishonest activity to prevent her from being hurt that I didn't tell her about this in the first place. I am lying to her, to myself, to her stepfather to cover up something that once she found out, she said wouldn't have even mattered to her at all.

I may have lost her, this may have broken the camels back. I want to stop lying, but if its as simple as something I am embarrassed about coming up to take me right back to lying how am I supposed to keep it from happening. I don't like being a liar, I don't want to lose my family over this, I don't want to hurt her again, but sometimes I lie without thinking.

I have decided to try to get help, but she thinks that this is some form of ploy just to get myself back into her good graces. At this point, anything I say is already suspect, so even I tell her I am not lying she doesn't know what to believe. I am shutting down, and I don't even try to defend myself if she questions the truth anymore because I feel like I have earned this.

Can I fix myself? Even if I lose her, I need to fix this, because I am slowly ruining everything good in my life. God I hope I don't lose her.

James Andrus

Welcome to the board.
The short answer is yes, you can fix this.

It will take time and patience but as with any addiction, you took the first step admitting you have a problem. Look for Billie Caine's guides on this board to get you started, they are extremely helpful.

You need to start by being honest today, break the cycle and have a date to say, as of this date I don't have to remember any more lies.

Think before you speak, make sure what is coming out is the truth.

Don't expect her to believe anything you say, it takes time and seeing action on your part before she will even consider what you have to say. Actions speak louder then words.

Hope this gets you started.

Hi James,
Welcome to the forum and to recovery. Big Respect for having the courage to face yourself.

Check out these posts. They will help you. The first explains what lying addiction is, the second explains why lying addicts lie and the third gives loads of tips, tools and techniques for how to stop lying....

compulsive-lying/topic103034.html

compulsive-lying/topic115788.html

compulsive-lying/topic116107.html

You CAN do this...
Big Hug,
Billi Caine