Just 'accepted' my problem - wanting to change

Hi all,

So I've never really considered the fact that I may have a problem with compulsive lying before, but this last week has really made me come to realise that it's most probably true and it's hit me hard. I'll try and summarise what has happened and how I've got to this point...

Like most people on here, it seems, this has all come to a head as a result of a problem in a relationship. I started seeing someone a couple of months ago and we really hit it off. A couple of weeks ago we both told each other we loved each other and it truly felt like we had something special. The next day, however, I did something utterly stupid and something I could never believe I'd be capable of (the details aren't really important for here, I don't think). I realised instantly what I had done was awful and I couldn't begin to fathom how much this would hurt my girlfriend. I think it's kind of natural to be worried about how to tell someone who care for the truth and so it sickened me for days. I eventually told her what happened, but I kept shirking the issue as to 'why' and was managing to convince myself that I didn't know why. Fortunately (or unfortunately, as the case may be), my girlfriend is in psychology and so she wouldn't accept that as answer. It took me a further 2 days to fully admit to myself and to her as to why I had done it, and only when it seemed as though our relationship was over - it was a last resort. I guess that's when she first realised this about me.

We decided we'd try to give it another go and work at it. However, she was then playing with my phone (I knew she was, she wasn't snooping) when she came across something that I said I'd deleted a week before. It wasn't even anything significant and I'd forgotten I'd even said it (why I said, I also have no idea). She questioned me on it and my natural reaction was to lie and say "I don't think I said that", despite knowing full well that I had and that she knew I had - I was fooling no one. For her, that was the last straw. Despite it being a fairly small lie in the grand scheme of things, it was still a lie and one I told her to her face and and was so adamant about.

We discussed my lying briefly that night and I started to think about why I do it, having never really even thought about the fact that I do. My lying has never really had a baring on things too much before or ever hurt anyone (to my knowledge). I went home the next day and read up on compulsive lying and what it is and slowly started to realise that everything I was reading was describing me.

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me as she said the thought of having someone she loved lie to her face is one that she can't handle. I've told her that I want to change and I fully believe that, but I know that it's too late for us - the damage has been done.

I guess the point of me posting on here is to 'vent' and admit to myself. I genuinely have no idea about what to do next and how to begin to change my ways. My current mindset is one of self-loathing and that's obviously because of the way things have panned out - my actions have directly hurt someone I truly love and have pushed her away from me.

I don't really have anyone else I can look to for help really and so I guess I'm just looking to others who can relate and have been in a similar situation before, and hopefully for some kind of guidance as to what the hell I can do about this.

Thanks to anyone who has read through that

Welcome to the forum.

I am not a lying addict but have researched the issue in great depth and understand it from both the lying addicts side and the loved ones and need to say that it is not inevitable that this relationship is over. Get clued up about it and then start to work on stopping lying and there will be hope. To that end, here are 2 posts which will help. The first explains why lying addicts lie and the second is tips, tools and techniques for how to stop lying...

compulsive-lying/topic115788.html

compulsive-lying/topic116107.html

Keep posting. You CAN do this.
Big Hug,
Billi Caine

Hi Billi,

Thanks for the reply.

It's been a long few days and I've read a lot about lying addiction - some of it is comforting to read and some of it is very painful. I think my reason for lying is to avoid confrontation and conflict, and a particular quote from the first post you posted hit me hard:

"Sadly though, it is usually the lie itself that causes the wrath in the end and not the thing itself."

I almost laughed at the raw truth of that.

Unfortunately, I am fairly certain that this relationship is over - it's a very complicated and personal situation and one that, I'm afraid, is broken. I do, however, fully intend to keep posting here. I know this is early doors and it feels like an almost impossible task but I have every belief that this is something I want to overcome in order to better myself.

Welcome,
Something I learned early on was I had to do this for me and not let recovery be dependent on my relationship because if the relationship fails then so will recovery. You took the first step coming here and looking for help. It helps to slow down when speaking, think about what you're about to say, and make sure it's the truth before it comes out. Hope this helps.

Thanks for the reply, Colt.

That's how I'm trying to look at it at the minute, no matter how much this break-up hurts. I can certainly understand your point of 'slowing down when speaking'. For instance, yesterday was the first real instance of when I realised about my lying. I read up different articles for hours and slowly began to accept the fact. But then I saw my girlfriend (now ex) that night and found myself spurting out a tiny, insignificant lie without provocation. There was no real reason for it but I just found myself talking about the topic we were discussing so fast and then it just came out. I thought straight away about correcting myself but I just left it, with the guilt about lying slowly building as the night wore on - despite the fact that I know she didn't think anything of it and that it wouldn't even have hurt her.

It's definitely something I need to work on but my main fear is that when I think back, the only time I find myself making these lies is when I'm talking to someone I really care about. Now that we're no longer together, I won't find myself in these situations too often and so I think that without finding myself in a position where I consciously have to think about what I'm saying and make sure it's the truth, I could easily find myself in the same situation further down the line.

But either way, thanks for the advice, it's certainly appreciated!

If you had corrected yourself on the spot it would have went a long way in showing you were trying to change as opposed to waiting until you are caught. We tend to lie more to the ones we care about because we have more interaction with them then people we don't. We also have more to gain or lose with them. The fact you know you will probably end up in the same situation down the road is all the more reason to fix it now. Fixing it on your own terms will be much easier then fixing it with your back against the wall.

I understand your point, Colt, but my thinking now is that now that my (ex) girlfriend will no longer be part of my life, I will not really be interacting with people I truly love. I mean, I will see my friends but we don't really have that kind of a 'close' relationship in comparison to the one I had with her. I know I should have corrected myself on the spot and I think I knew it then. I think my main issue was the fear of admitting, what with the whole idea of me even being a compulsive lying being a completely new idea to me. Now that the relationship is over though, it's almost as if I feel like I have a 'nothing to lose' attitude (in the healthiest way possible).

However, I do know that this is a problem I want to fix now and one I want to address immediately. I guess that with this whole 'discovery' being fresh, I'm still not fully aware of how much I may or may not lie to others. The coming days are going to be telling as I return to work and interacting with other friends and family - it's going to be a one day at a time kind of process, I feel.

Again, thank you for your reply and input, being able to speak to someone (albeit anonymously) really feels good and helpful right now.

Try keeping a journal of when you lie, how you felt, what you think made you lie. That way you can see if you are lying more then you think you are. If you can identify what makes you lie it will be much easier to fix.

Thanks for the advice, Colt.

Now that I'm consciously aware of it I think I have been doing better. However, one thing I'm wondering is whether there is an 'excusable' lie. I know it's not an exact science, but say if someone asks me if I'm alright and I say "I'm fine" when really I'm not doing so great - does that count? I think that's something everyone does in day-to-day life so I'm not sure whether something 'small' like that is a problem or not? Any thoughts?

In my opinion and my situation, a lie is a lie. If someone is asking if you're alright they are probably someone somewhat close to you. You could say "I 've been better but I'm working on it" if your having a bad day. We don't owe it to everyone to go into great detail when we give an answer. So you could just use a generic answer and leave it at that. If it is someone really close, having a sounding board might help if you go into detail. If say someone at work asks me I just say " I've been better"not a lie but no details. Hope this helps.