Definition of:Compulsive Lying

lm3504 wrote:hi, this is my first time to this board, and i just need some advice. i am a compulsive liar. i dont know why i do it, because i get nothing in return. its so bad sometimes it gets to a point where i convince myself what im saying is real. im getting married in a month, and i have never lied to my fiancee, but i dont know if i should tell him or not, because im afraid he wont believe me. should i tell him?
leigh

Yes you should! i have been a relationship for 16 months with a compulsive liar. it has been the worst sixteen months of my life. she took the frist step into getting help by addmitting she has a problem. the hiding,the stories she told all lies. but even threw all that we did have a lot of good times. and now i can't and won't give up on her. she needs help and i'm willing to help her through this tough time. if it works it will be the best choice i ever made. if not i know i could leave knowing i tried at it and there is no cure for her. to me the pay off is to great to walk out on her. let your man decide if he won't help you then it is not to be. people just can't turn off there lying. YOU NEED TO GET HELP A>S>A>P. i bet you have lied to him just don't see it. you have to open your own eyes frist.don't think getting married will cure your lying because it won't. you will be with the same person all the time with no where to hide things or talk to your friends and have him not know. BECAUSE COMPULSIVE LIARS ARE THE WORST LIARS OF THEM ALL. WE SEE RIGHT THROUGH THEM THAT IS WHAT MY GRILFRIEND DID NOT GET FOR THE LONGEST TIME.YOUR MOODS CHANGE ,YOUR FEELINGS CHANGE, IT ALL SHOWS ON YOUR FACE YOU WILL NEVER HIDE IT FROM THE PERSON WHO TRULY LOVES YOU.JUST REMEMBER YOU CAN'T GET BETTER IF YOU LYE TO YOURSELF.

I'm pretty sure a guy that I initially met through the internet, and now consider a friend, is a compulsive liar. He started out as a kind, caring individual, but I realised pretty quickly that he had some deep-seated psychological issues. He claimed to have been sexually abused as a child and then said he was beaten up a few years ago, on a night out. At the time of writing, I'm uncertain how much of that is the truth, in light of other lies I have uncovered.

In the early days, we went on a few dates but I quickly started to realise he had problems because he seemed to be "blowing hot and cold" with me. You'd be able to get so close to him, and then he'd push you away. He admitted he had problems getting close to people, and trusting them with his feelings. I realised that I wouldn't be able to ever have a relationship with someone who you can't get emotionally close to, so I decided to just be friends with him - which I don't think he liked. Things got a bit nasty between us and I told him he had all manner of problems that he needs help with. We didn't see each other for a while in real life, but he mailed me claiming to have been back with his ex for a couple of months, during the time we were dating.
I said that just seemed like a convenient thing to say, 'cause I'd told him he isn't capable of having a relationship. I then said I thought we should just call it quits with our friendship, so didn't plan on speaking to him anymore. He THEN posted up a laughably fake profile on the website where we had initally met. It was rather eerie because this girl was modelled on me, both in terms of physical looks, and her interests. He had tried to make her out to be a successful, career woman in her mid-twenties, but it seemed more like a young girl. It was obvious he had created the page as I recognised the writing style, so I told him I didn't believe the page was controlled by anyone but him!

After a few weeks had passed, he apologised for being odd to me (so I PRESUMED he'd take that fake page down!) and so we have since become friends again. As soon as we started talking again, he put on the fake girl's profile, that he had split up with her! However he STILL regularly logs into that fake profile, and whenever there are problems in our friendship, he takes to changing things on it to try and manipulate me into being attracted to him - even though he KNOWS I never have, and never will believe that page!! On some days, he'll admit that he has problems, and on others he'll say "What is 'normal' anyway?" - which is clearly his defence to escape accountability.

It all comes down to the fact that I think he resents me for only wanting to be friends with him; he has such low self-esteem. I think these days, he has kind of given up trying to make me interested in him romantically, and is now just trying to hurt me. The latest lie he has told is that he once more, has a girlfriend. No-one I told about this believed it - we all thought it was yet another lie 'cause he resents me for not wanting to be with him. I didn't believe it either. I knew him and the girl in question were platonic friends, 'cause I'd heard him talk about her before. I have recently discovered that it's a definite lie as I came across her weblog the other day. She has a link on it to my friend's blog (which I didn't know he had) and they're clearly just friends. They both state they're "single" and she is hung-up on another guy still. I was actually quite shocked to read this blog that he'd kept from me, as he comes across as a totally different person. It's as if he has reinvented himself to appear as a respectable guy to me but from reading that site, he has NO respect for women whatsoever. Some of the language he was using was revolting.

He continues to drop into conversation that he's seeing this "girlfriend" (who I know is just a friend), and I know he's lying all the time. It's hard to be friends with him right now, 'cause even though I have incontrevertible evidence that he's just platonic friends with this girl - I know that even if I told him I'd seen their blogs, he'd just stick to the lie. It's frustrating to be just trying to have a normal conversation with him, and he keeps dropping silly lies into it constantly. I think he wouldn't even bat an eyelid if he knew I'd read that 'secret' page of his, and uncovered the lie that he's seeing that girl, and so there's no point even mentioning it to him.

I guess I just have to decide whether he's the sort of friend I want in my life. I know he has zero respect for me, to be constantly lying. At the same time, I think it's pathological behaviour with him; I suspect he lies to his other friends too. I reckon he's a compulsive liar though; he seems to lie without even thinking about it. I've not come across anyone like him before, and just thought I'd share!

Wow...many of these stories sound just like mine. I was with my ex since high schoo. We met at 15 dated till we were 24 and then got married. However, when I look back we never should have made it out of high school. He chased me for about a year to date him. I finally gave in and a week later he had cheated. He spent the whole summer begging me for another chance and I did. To make a long story short, he lied all through high school, then college and just like another post, unless I could show him proof that I knew he lied he would deny it forever. There were so many times I seriously thought I was crazy because I wanted so badly to believe what he told me..but the actions did not back it up. But instead of questioning him I questioned myself. Well eventually we got married and had two beautiful children. I finally got enough courage to leave for good about 3 years ago. I had moved out with the kids twice and moved back...the last time I moved back he promised me had not been talking to any other women. In Aug of 2003 I had asked him when was the last time he talked to Michelle he said "It has been so long I can't remember" the next day at work I pulled up his cell phone bill and in that month alone he had called her 57 times. I left and our divorce was final Jan 05. But here I am almost a year later wondering if things could be different with him. Him and I are better friends now than we ever were and I he would do anything for me and the girls...but I don't think I could ever trust him...does this behavior ever really go away????

Denise wrote:does this behavior ever really go away????

I doubt it, unless they actually commit to counselling and get out of denial. If they can't have an honest relationship with themselves, they won't be able to with anyone else.

God I hope that this gets easier to deal with, I mean come on I started lieing when I was little. I can even pin point starting because I caught my Mom trying to kill her self (please no sympathy comments that is one of my triggers for this compulsion). I found if I pissed her off with stories that were so outrageous she knew that they were false she would be distracted untill Dad got home and he would deal with it. Eventually I lied just to get the attention, and then more triggers were added as I got older.

Well now I'm 22 and my husband (told him about the problem before the wedding) is helping me but I still get caught up in the lies. Thing is I can't even tell whats true and whats not. Example, I convinced myself that I had been pregnant at some point and miscaried due to the ex-boyfriend beating me up. Problem is I told my doctor when we found some very minor concerns in that area and she tested some stuff as required to help me and she clearly told me I had never been pregnant.

If I can't even understand who I am how do I have a relationship with others? and how can I trust other people when I can't even trust myself? I've tried stoping on my own and ended up turning to food, over eating specifically no purging or anything. The next time it was exersizing, then otc's and well the lieing continued. Now I obsesivly clean the appartment which helps me to curb the edge at home.

My husband is so helpfull he used to lie all the time in highschool and understands how I do it so he finds ways to get the truth the first time around by asking questions around any topic that are very pointed and asking how come things are changing like my moods and that, thankfully he makes it hard for me to lie to him by doing this. Also my best friend in the whole world called me on my lieing about six months ago now. She holds me accountable for EVERYTHING, asking questions and bringing up the subject multiple times to see if I say the same thing twice. If I hesitate I've lied about something and she calls me on it.

Problem is I can't go through a conversation at work or with my parents with out something even just a little thing being lied about, I know I should ask someone to hold me accountable in all areas of my life. I tried with my parents but they just freak out everytime that I meantion my lieing because no daughter of theirs is going to be so horrible. I'm scared to ask at work because I just don't really know any of the people there well enough and I've already found alot of the politics that spiral way to deep so I just don't want to give anyone the amo to run me into the groud at this point either by lieing or the politics crap. So I try to leave my headset on all the time (I listen to self - esteem recordings on my I pod to help remove the lieing).

So I guess this might sound like I'm blowing my own horn or looking for sympathy, but for those of us who have this problem I hope this helps, for those of you who have more insigt into this issue please advise on other ways to help with the problem (Seeing a therapist is a good idea I can't afford it yet as my lieing put me farther into debt then I would like and I'm paying it off), and for those of you who are dealing with some one who does this in any amount there is hope if they whant to change but they are going to need tonns of help and advice on how to stop or control it because like the definition states at the begining of this discusion it is like an addiction.

Hoping someone can give me more tips on how to avoid the pitfalls, thanks in advance for all the help.

BG

After 5 years as of marriage and three kids, i have finally decided it was over. My husband started really lying a year into our marriage when our first child was born and jelousy and selfishness overcame him. I have left twice and we have beento counceling three times he changes but only for a few weeks then its back again. After being through hell and back, standing up for him & his lies to make him not look bad to family, friends, and co-workers, bosses, I finally had enough. The lies of money, things with the children and any other issue imaginable had finally led me to seperation and possible divorce. Hes begging for 6 more months, I moved out and even then I know its not going to change no matter how much I try to help him and support him. I love him so much and it kills me to leave, but since I have its amazing the feel as if a huge load has been lifted off of me, i'm happier, less stressed with the kids, and ready to move on, and hopefully just be fiends with him while we are still happy and good standing with eachother. I love him and want to raise our children together as much as possible, but I can no longer be there and live with him. I feel good finally about my choice and know it'll be better for my children as well. I hope and pray daily he will continue to work on his problem and make himself better for himself. And his kids. Best of Luck to all you in the same situation it seriously takes a strong person to stick with it that long. Hopefully you to can decide in the future what will be best for you.

my best friend has been compulsively lying to me since the day i met her, granted at first i barely noticed that some of the things shed gone through were a bit extreem and i feel so horrible for even thinking that someone could lie the way she does but its true they have all been lies and about things that truely hurt people, she claims that her dad used to (and still does)beat her, that shes been raped, numerous people ive never met but are aparently really close to her have died. these are serious things to lie about and even after confroning her many times it just makes it worse.
i love this friend, she has helped me through a lot of situations thats why i dont want to loose her. she needs help but i just dont know what kinda help to get her

This problem is currently bringing us pain. Everything I read is exactly how it is for me. She will stop at nothing.
I am the asshole for looking at my credit card bill.
I am the asshole for finding bills/merchandise in the cars trunk when going to clean it.
Besides being wrong, the other reasons not to lie is because they eventually surface on their own. unfortunatelly it may be 1 day or 10 years. devistating to find out youve been investing in a lie. Like finding out after all these years of paying into a retirement fund and to be told by your employer it never existed.
she lies so much If I say anything about any subject. she is defensive. and tries to tell me what I just said back to me and why I said it and then labels me with an alteriar motive. "You just said that because........ and fills in my reasoning for me.

I tell her I am not like you. when I say something the general purpose is to come to a conclusion on the topic at hand. What I say is what I meant, The reason why I told you is because of the rason I told you. Don't use your guilt to to try and find something in my words because you don't or can't carry on a discussion with any substance. The reason I bring anything up is for a conclusion.
So for me to sit and lie. or make things up will not bring what I want.
She has now left. to her mother where she learned this in the first place. Im the asshole of course. They get told 1/2 of the story,if even that. And the little woman is now a victim because the big bad guy insists on knowing what is going on in his life. And it is too hard for her to lie here. For some reason lies keep surfacing(thats what they do) and unfortunately it makes her feel uncomfortable when that happens so the little victim needs more space to branch out. SHE WILL NEVER ADMIT LYING. EVEN WITH ALL THE EVIDENCE!!! Supposedly she left to get help. (still without admitting.) but hasan't made an appointment for a month. That is filled with lies. "they won't call me back" COME ON!!! we have a child so there needs to be some form of communication(if you can call it that.) But she lies to our son and they still never stop. Now that it's easier because when evidence surfaces she can say "I don't have to sit and listen to this.... and gets to stomp out like a 7 year old. I know you don't have to. but what is even more discusting is that you don't want to.

I am currently looking for someone to do an intervention with her.
Everything appears the same as drug addiction. alcohol. lashing out. blamming everyone else. I have not found any yet. I don't know they exist for this type.BUT THERE DEFINATELY NEEDS TO BE THAT SORT OF THINGS. she is running amuck and is a danger to her/our future. her child........

Hi Wits End
Im sorry you are going through it at the moment. Compulsive lying is an illness of sorts that needs specific professional help. It is important that she gets this, but more than likely she will be resistant to getting this.
Im sure you know that deep down, whatever you need to do to protect your child is the right thing. It is so hard when you call the lies and you get a defensive answer. Unfortunately, she is the only one who can decide that she wants her life to change and get help.
Have you ever sat down with her calmly (yes i know this is hard) and tried to discuss that you know that she lies and that you understand why she gets defensive? Have you tried to tell her that you love her anyway and just want her to get help for your relationship and the sake of your child?
It is so easy to get extremely angry, when we are being lied to, and we know we are and we feel foolish. Their clever response at turning things around and making you feel more idiotic is more frustrating. You have to try to cut through that, and get your partner to see that you know the truth but are still there anyway.
The blaming everyone else is a part of it, but also a part of the cop out they use which creates more lies.
Im sorry that you are being made to be the bad guy and her the victim. This is often the case. Its classic splitting and shirking of responsibility for actions that they cannot cope with taking.
The best thing to do is let her know that you are and have been for some time, so well on to her - but not in a harsh manner. You need to call her on these behaviours but in a non-condemning way.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do, if she doesnt want to change her own life. Sometimes you need to let them get to the bottom before they can find their way back up. But you can let her know that there is a better way, if she is prepared to trust you. I hope for you and your child things work out. Good luck.

I just recently came to terms with the fact that I am a compulsive liar. For the longest time, (up until a few weeks ago) I was lying to everyone and anyone about the most stupid things. I even lied to my girlfriend. I love her so much and I wish I never lied to her. I told her a few days ago the truth about everything. I really honestly want to fix my "problem" and have heard it's not "curable," persay, but if you are conscious of it, you can cessate it. I don't know what to do at this point. I am trying to tell everyone the truth and I know I will never lie to her (or anyone) again, but I keep hearing "I don't know you" and things like that. It hurts so bad to think about what I've done to her and I love her so much and I am so lucky she didn't leave me for it. She says she's glad I told her the truth, but I still don't feel any better at all. Please, if someone has any ideas or suggestions, tell me what I should do. I already am working on telling everyone the truth, but what else can I do? I love my girlfriend more than anything on this earth and I don't want to lose her. Is there any way I can gain her trust back?

PS - I may not be considered as bad a case as some, considering I have/will never cheat(ed) on ANYONE, not just this girlfriend, and I am no longer in denial about the issue, and I am only 18 years old. Thank you in advance to anyone who can give me any advice on the matter.

-Sal (infernus [at] gamebox [dot] net)