Definition of:Compulsive Lying

Come home dad, we miss you....

Mam's back on the game & little Kylie is pregnant

Phil is very shrewd

I've been at it again today, i feel very, very ashamed.

After 30 years of knowing my husband (I met him when I was 15) and of my husband's compulsive lying I have finally come to the conlusion that nothing will change.

We are celebrating our 25th anniversary this year, and I am so hearbroken about finding this conclusion of nothing will ever change that I don't know how I am going to suffer through it. I think my kids are planning a big surprise party (my parents' anniversary happens to be their 50th - what timing).

The question others I see have been asking: who is he, really?

After hundreds of talks - the early ones angry - the later ones forgiving and bargaining, I realize he will never change (why did it take me 30 years to realize this? Am I some sort of moron? No, I just guess I am an idealist).

I know exactly what that other woman mentioned when she said that her sig other will continue to lie unless faced with hard evidence. Sometimes I'm not sure my husband even believes what he does himself.

But I am tired after all of these years to deal with it and I'm afraid if I leave him, I will regret it (I still love him, although I'm not sure at this point whether I like him) and I will break my 3 childrens' hearts if I do leave.

Somehow I am going to have to deal. Any suggestions from anyone?

bjohn wrote:I am recently divorced after a year of marriage from a compulisive liar with deep seeded psychological issues. My now (thank God) ex-wife lied every single day that I was with her from topics that were absolutely inconsequetial to extravagent stories of her past such as;

-Having a twin sister who committed suicide by driving her father's 1960's Shelby Cobra off a cliff, (she never had a twin and no one in her family ever had the car)

-Giving up the Miss Hawaii crown so she could go to Harvard, (she never even competed in the pageant, nor intended to attend Harvard)

-That her brother was injured in the Pentagon during 9/11, suffered amnesia and was listed by the hospital as a John Doe for weeks. (Her brother has never suffered amnesia, been at the Pentagon nor was injured from the the events of 9/11)

Even when confronted by incontrovertable evidence, or lack of it(when I witnessed her having an affair, police reports, phone records, bank statements, etc...) she refused to budge from her position. The lie was her blanket and her name may as well have been Linus. In such cases she acted as a stereotypical 'drama queen' accussing myself and anyone or anything else of culpability.

She NEVER accepted any form of responsibility for her actions, nor expressed remorse.

Another aspect of her disorder(s) is that she tried her best to isolate me from my family, friends or anyone else whom I might confide in or receive counsel from. This went to the extreme that she would tell different lies to both parties about the other so that we would (she hoped) be angry enough not to speak to each other! Of course some dramatic event would always conveniently arrise to keep me from meeting with someone she had pulled this with. She also tried to convince me that I was crazy and needed help for not believing her falsehoods.

Naturally my life was a living hell during this time, continually jumping from one crisis to the next. None of which where ever resolved in a healthy manner.

Yet despite all of this I did love her. The most difficult part of the experience was facing the choice of remaining with her while resigning myself to misery or divorcing which excepting certain circumstances am ardently against. I struggled with this decision for several months and realized that despite your best efforts:

YOU CANNOT HELP SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT WANT TO BE HELPED.

After being divorced now for several months I have my life back and I cannot even begin to describe what a precious gift that is. To everyone who reads this please take this message to heart. You are worth living a happy life. Do NOT resign yourself to be victimized by lies hoping that 'one day' it will be better. If this person truely loves you they would get help.

Whether or not they want to admit it or realize it, everyone is responsible for their own choices. They are also a product of them. When dealing with liars, they are not worth the constant hurt and aggravation. (For those with lying disorders reading this; GET PROFESSIONAL HELP NOW!)

I write this with the utmost sincerity that it helps those of us affected by those lying disorders.

While not a professional myself I will gladly speak or corrrespond with anyone interested. Feel free contact me via btj24@hotmail.com

[quote="ddee"]Compulsive Lying.


I really need someones....anyones help. I am 33 years old and have two children. I am not married but have been with the same person for over 15 years. The past 2 years I have become a compulsive liar two my fiance and my mom and dad. I don't know why I do it or what to do to stop it. Please help me someone.

Dear TColelli1971-

Can you pinpoint the time when you decided to lie for the "first time" and why? Maybe finding out what purpose your lying has, or what you think you're gaining by it, will help you figure out a way to stop.

My 5 year marriage was destroyed over my wife's compulsive lying. I realize now that I never really knew who she was, and still don't even now. It is shocking to realize that you can sleep next to the same person every night for years and never know who they are. She ended up running off with a man 10 years younger than her who was formerly my friend. She also stole thousands of dollars from my family and over one hundred thousand from me.

My fiance told me the most horrendous lies over the last 2 years, which took me months to start to discover, and another year and a half to finally hear the whole truth.
i confronted him, hard and fast. The strange thing was is that i knew this man was more open with me than anyone he had ever been with in his whole (40 year) life.
I couldnt sit back and feel like a fool, ( and boy i did at times )as much as i loved and cared about him. I listened and listened, to the background, the hardships, the insecurities.
I had many insecurities of my own. His lies caused me a million more - Why would a man who loves me more than life itself lie to me?? Was it my fault? Something i was doing? Do i have idiot written all over me???
I pushed and pushed for the truth. Now whilst i cant sit here and say that it didnt help things along (but i do in my heart feel that because i could say what i felt to be true and i was able to say to him that i thought he was lying, even if he wouldnt admit it)- there is one thing i realised. You simply cant help a person who is not ready to be helped. Perhaps by showing faith in them, that person underneath, it can help things along, but you cant make them be honest with you.
If they cant/wont trust you. (and this trust is due to their own past issues, and lack of faith, not what you have done!)
The worst and most hurtful thing about most of these CL's is that they are cowards. They do things wrong, but they cant admit it, because they know, deep inside, that some of their actions are inappropriate and will cause hurt to those who love them. They cover up their wrongdoings with hypocrisy and lies. Learning to live with this hypocrisy and wrongdoing, is a hard measure for any of us loving a CL. My CL has learnt right from wrong through anything from gentle persuasion, from anything to being caught out for his actions (on a face up, where his lies has been revealed and he has hung his head in shame), to seeing the hurt that has been caused by these stupid, childish, impulsive actions. And i have to say, ive been very verbal about the hurt caused.
Perhaps im not the sort of girl who shys away from things. I felt that if my CL thought i was a complete walk over, as much as i loved him, i could no longer respect the person i was.
I have learned that losing respect for yourself, is far more damaging than losing respect for your sig lying other. Yes ladies, like you, i have been through the constantly thinking i was paranoid and irrational, delusional (have been told so) and thought about taking myself off to the drs for evaluation. The turn around that our CL's can do, is a skill in itself. It has taken me a long time to start to regain my own self esteem, from putting up with his behaviour - but im back!
The result? Well, by saying my piece, In that i mean that clearly explaining that lying to you is wrong, finishing the relationship (if it has to go that far) on countless occasions each time there was a lie that inflicted pain or insecure suffering on my part, and at times, thinking myself that i wouldnt go back to that, (i.e you move on with your life when apart and it lasts more than a couple of weeks, months in my case if thats what if took for my sense of reality and sanity to return) is that i now have a man who doesnt lie.
He still feels the need to protect me from his wrong doing, (which is now minor) but if he doesnt quite get to the truth, admits the whole thing shortly afterwards cos he feels bad. And its nothing like the extreme lies and hurt i had to deal with before.
The bottom line is, if he truly loves you, and you can show him that you truly love the real him back, they can change - if you draw a boundary. What you accept, is what you will get.
Dont accept the lying. I love my man but i wont tolerate it. In a true, comitted relationship, it is not necessary. Sometimes it may be down to you to prove to your other half that you will be with them whatever. But we all have a line, an extent, that we can put up with things.
My fiance sensed that id got to mine, because i made sure he knew i had. It is your choice how you live your life.
Be strong.
I wanted to write to let you know that against all odds, our relationship has worked. Trust can be regained, and with alot of work, things can be worked out.
I wish the best for everyone dealing with this difficult issue.

My fiance told me the most horrendous lies over the last 2 years, which took me months to start to discover, and another year and a half to finally hear the whole truth.
i confronted him, hard and fast. The strange thing was is that i knew this man was more open with me than anyone he had ever been with in his whole (40 year) life.
I couldnt sit back and feel like a fool, ( and boy i did at times )as much as i loved and cared about him. I listened and listened, to the background, the hardships, the insecurities.
I had many insecurities of my own. His lies caused me a million more - Why would a man who loves me more than life itself lie to me?? Was it my fault? Something i was doing? Do i have idiot written all over me???
I pushed and pushed for the truth. Now whilst i cant sit here and say that it didnt help things along (but i do in my heart feel that because i could say what i felt to be true and i was able to say to him that i thought he was lying, even if he wouldnt admit it)- there is one thing i realised. You simply cant help a person who is not ready to be helped. Perhaps by showing faith in them, that person underneath, it can help things along, but you cant make them be honest with you.
If they cant/wont trust you. (and this trust is due to their own past issues, and lack of faith, not what you have done!)
The worst and most hurtful thing about most of these CL's is that they are cowards. They do things wrong, but they cant admit it, because they know, deep inside, that some of their actions are inappropriate and will cause hurt to those who love them. They cover up their wrongdoings with hypocrisy and lies. Learning to live with this hypocrisy and wrongdoing, is a hard measure for any of us loving a CL. My CL has learnt right from wrong through anything from gentle persuasion, from anything to being caught out for his actions (on a face up, where his lies has been revealed and he has hung his head in shame), to seeing the hurt that has been caused by these stupid, childish, impulsive actions. And i have to say, ive been very verbal about the hurt caused.
Perhaps im not the sort of girl who shys away from things. I felt that if my CL thought i was a complete walk over, as much as i loved him, i could no longer respect the person i was.
I have learned that losing respect for yourself, is far more damaging than losing respect for your sig lying other. Yes ladies, like you, i have been through the constantly thinking i was paranoid and irrational, delusional (have been told so) and thought about taking myself off to the drs for evaluation. The turn around that our CL's can do, is a skill in itself. It has taken me a long time to start to regain my own self esteem, from putting up with his behaviour - but im back!
The result? Well, by saying my piece, In that i mean that clearly explaining that lying to you is wrong, finishing the relationship (if it has to go that far) on countless occasions each time there was a lie that inflicted pain or insecure suffering on my part, and at times, thinking myself that i wouldnt go back to that, (i.e you move on with your life when apart and it lasts more than a couple of weeks, months in my case if thats what if took for my sense of reality and sanity to return) is that i now have a man who doesnt lie.
He still feels the need to protect me from his wrong doing, (which is now minor) but if he doesnt quite get to the truth, admits the whole thing shortly afterwards cos he feels bad. And its nothing like the extreme lies and hurt i had to deal with before.
The bottom line is, if he truly loves you, and you can show him that you truly love the real him back, they can change - if you draw a boundary. What you accept, is what you will get.
Dont accept the lying. I love my man but i wont tolerate it. In a true, comitted relationship, it is not necessary. Sometimes it may be down to you to prove to your other half that you will be with them whatever. But we all have a line, an extent, that we can put up with things.
My fiance sensed that id got to mine, because i made sure he knew i had. It is your choice how you live your life.
Be strong.
I wanted to write to let you know that against all odds, our relationship has worked. Trust can be regained, and with alot of work, things can be worked out.
I wish the best for everyone dealing with this difficult issue.