How do I stop?

I've come to the realization that I am a compulsive liar.

I've not been found out yet to my knowledge, no one has ever said anything to me about it. But I greatly fear people finding out and losing friends.

I never lie about anything big or important, but I find myself embellishing the truth A LOT. Or I lie about something as insignificant such as what I had for breakfast. And what's worse is I actually convince myself to believe those embellishments.

I've been lying for as long as I can remember. I remember lying about having pets I didn't have in grade school. I remember lying about my age to strangers on the internet. I've lied about my interests to try to sound like I have more in common with a person than I do. I've found that lately my lies are not as much of complete fabrications like they used to be (such as lying about pets), but I embellish so much. I do it instinctively, I can look someone directly in the eye and lie to them with ease. And every time I do it, I want to kick myself immediately after. It just comes out like word vomit.

And I know why I do it, I'm insecure and fear people will not find me interesting. I've been a social outcast for most of my life. I could never make friends because people did not find me interesting (which I have been told several times). I never lie to my family, as I already feel accepted by them and know they care for me. But, I always lie to friends and people I've just met in hopes of making a good impression or making myself sound more interesting than I actually am. I fear that if I don't embellish, people won't want to spend time with me. But I realize that if people found out, then they really wouldn't want to spend time with me

But now I've actually found a group of friends that I do feel would accept me for who I am. And I messed it all up, by lying to them. My lies to them have all been fairly small, such as lying about a grade I got in a class (I.E claiming to have gotten a B when I really got a C) or claiming to have a larger credit load than I actually do, or claiming to have had a longer relationship with my ex than I actually did (after we were broken up). Or even smaller things, such as what I had for dinner the night before. I've fortunately avoided about lying about the big things (at least imo). But if they found out, they wouldn't trust me anymore, they would think I lied about everything. I don't think I could ever come clean, no one would trust me anymore, I might as well consider all of those relationships forfeit. I do want to find a way to stop my pathological lying before I dig myself into a deeper hole.

I fear going to a therapist. Actually admitting I'm a liar in person, with no anonymity, is truly terrifying to me, it makes me feel like less of a person. I suppose I am less of a person, as who could ever trust a liar, but it's still hard to admit. Has anyone here ever been able to cure their lying ways without therapy? How?

Hi Hurui,
Welcome to the forum.

Know this first of all, you are not alone in this condition you have. People have been telling stories like yours for 10 years on this forum and some of the things you wrote have exactly the same "DNA" as them people. After researching the subject in great depth, I actually came to the conclusion that lying like yours is an addiction that gradually gets worse over time - like all addictions do. In the addiction recovery movement, we talk about the "yets"... meaning the things we haven't done YET in our various addictions. Your lying is not out of hand YET but it will get that way unless measures are taken to turn your lying around.

Let me differentiate between pathological lying, compulsive lying and lying addiction for you as you wrote you were "pathological" which I certainly do not feel you are....

I define “Pathological Lying” as “the actions of someone who deliberately and intentionally lies for financial, material or some other gain with no care or consideration to how their lies will affect or harm others.”

I define “Compulsive Lying” as “the compulsive need to lie as a normal and reflexive way of responding to life.” However, as “compulsive liars” often premeditate their lies as well as lie when driven by the compulsion to do so, I do not feel the term “compulsive liars” adequately covers the condition of lying as a reflexive way of life.

“ADDICTION” on the other hand is defined as “The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.”

So, “LYING ADDICTION” is therefore “The condition of being addicted to lying as a normal and reflexive way of responding to life where the intention is not to cause harm to others.”

A “lying addict” is not someone who, say, is cheating on a loved one and lying all the time about it (although lying addicts could do this of course – like anyone could). A lying addict is somebody who is addicted to lying in order to live.

To further help you understand why you lie (adding to your own understandings), check out this post I wrote...

compulsive-lying/topic115788.html

And here is a post I wrote - taken from a Lying Addiction Recovery Kit I created - which provides tips, tools and techniques on How To Stop Lying...

compulsive-lying/topic116107.html

You CAN do this!
Big Hug,
Billi Caine

Hey.

I'm only someone who's just stopped lying 2 days ago - and I can't say I'm recovered in any way, so take my words with a pinch of salt.

How do you stop?

Well, it took me to get to the point of thinking I was about to lose my wife and son, family, friends, job, home, everything until I reached a rock-bottom and a point my brain pretty much went 'wrong' and I couldn't cope any more....but I really really hope you can deal with your problem much sooner than I did.

The fact you've recognised this in yourself is a good sign, I've been in total denial about it and my first post on here was one of the first things I was able to say the truth on - and even that was a struggle. I was terrified of talking to the Dr's, the thought of therapy was terrifying - but I've done it - and although the last few weeks have been a nightmare - it feels so good to have done it and be on the other side, I didn't appreciate the weight I was carrying until it was shed...

Medical staff will be nothing but understanding, patient and caring - and non-judgemental...I know the stigma, fear and shame of actually admitting you have a lying problem feels so so big, but once it's out there and you've forced your way through the shame and embarrassment - it's not as bad as you currently feel it will be.

Good luck, it's worth it! Don't let it get any worse like I did.

I big step towards getting better, in my opinion, is to first and foremost, is to admit that you have a problem, and yield to the necessity to get help. Whether that be from a therapist, from a forum like this, or on your own. But, in that, the fear and worry of the consequences of your actions NEED to take a back seat to the importance of getting better. If you are more worried about what will happen if you come clean to get better, than you are about actually getting better, then the true significance of your illness is still not upon you. There is no shortcut. No magic pill to take. No medical note you can get. You need to weather the storm.

And trust me on this topic- the shame, embarrassment, the consequences of this affliction- they will occur, whether you admit and better or not. We all owe it to ourselves to better ourselves- FOR US.