Finally letting it out

Colt... in relation to the Sister Hazel song, I got what you meant - especially with the lyrics "If you want to be somebody else, If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself, If you want to be somebody else, Change your mind..." Recovery is all about attitude. How we think determines whether recovery sticks or not.

Panda... I understand where you are coming from in relation to thinking that to have a loved one on board for recovery sounds great in theory, but it is not always pretty or in any way romantic in practice. When addicts choose recovery, they begin to find their voices - lying addicts more so than any other addict I would say since lying addicts have the smallest voice of any addict I can think of.

When that voice appears, loved ones can rebel against it. Loved ones get into a groove of "superiority" as their addicts addiction progresses (and why bullying starts) and they can then conveniently not focus on their own defects and blame all their horrors on the addiction of their addict. So when their addict begins to balance out and find that voice, loved ones can then try and squash it and even sabotage their addicts recovery so the status quo is kept. It becomes a case of the recovery of the addict is a threat since if they no longer have someone to blame for all their troubles they have to look within and find they have dis-ease in their own right and very often loved ones can rebel against this so they don't have to recover themselves and can stay exactly as they are. In other words, the addiction of their addict can be a convenient excuse for not looking at their own unresolved crap.

This is often why many relationships don't survive recovery FOR ALL ADDICTIONS not just lying addiction. Often loved ones don't want equality in the relationship since they drew a sick person in because they are sick themselves and recovery doesn't fit into their picture even though the fantasy is that it is.

Suffice to say it is complex. In a way, maybe the positive of you doing your recovery by yourself is that your loved one will not be there to try and squash your voice - especially if this is the same person you are going to Al-Anon for. Active Alcoholics or problem drinkers NEED someone to blame for all their troubles and this is what is the blood stream for their drinking - self pity - and where the phrase "poor me poor me pour me a drink" came from. I speak as both a recovering alcoholic myself and someone married to a recovering alcoholic.

I would advise all lying addicts to attend 12 step "loved ones" fellowships such as codependents anonymous and Al-anon since molding themselves to please others is a huge part of their lying addiction psyches. Learning to find out who they are and what pleases them then is vital to a successful recovery for all lying addicts.

Panda... I am really happy you had a powerful Al-Anon meeting. When we align ourselves with our higher selves in relation to our recovery, wonderful things begin to happen...

Billi Caine wrote:Colt... in relation to the Sister Hazel song, I got what you meant - especially with the lyrics "If you want to be somebody else, If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself, If you want to be somebody else, Change your mind..." Recovery is all about attitude. How we think determines whether recovery sticks or not.

Panda... I understand where you are coming from in relation to thinking that to have a loved one on board for recovery sounds great in theory, but it is not always pretty or in any way romantic in practice. When addicts choose recovery, they begin to find their voices - lying addicts more so than any other addict I would say since lying addicts have the smallest voice of any addict I can think of.

When that voice appears, loved ones can rebel against it. Loved ones get into a groove of "superiority" as their addicts addiction progresses (and why bullying starts) and they can then conveniently not focus on their own defects and blame all their horrors on the addiction of their addict. So when their addict begins to balance out and find that voice, loved ones can then try and squash it and even sabotage their addicts recovery so the status quo is kept. It becomes a case of the recovery of the addict is a threat since if they no longer have someone to blame for all their troubles they have to look within and find they have dis-ease in their own right and very often loved ones can rebel against this so they don't have to recover themselves and can stay exactly as they are. In other words, the addiction of their addict can be a convenient excuse for not looking at their own unresolved crap.

This is often why many relationships don't survive recovery FOR ALL ADDICTIONS not just lying addiction. Often loved ones don't want equality in the relationship since they drew a sick person in because they are sick themselves and recovery doesn't fit into their picture even though the fantasy is that it is.

Suffice to say it is complex. In a way, maybe the positive of you doing your recovery by yourself is that your loved one will not be there to try and squash your voice - especially if this is the same person you are going to Al-Anon for. Active Alcoholics or problem drinkers NEED someone to blame for all their troubles and this is what is the blood stream for their drinking - self pity - and where the phrase "poor me poor me pour me a drink" came from. I speak as both a recovering alcoholic myself and someone married to a recovering alcoholic.

I would advise all lying addicts to attend 12 step "loved ones" fellowships such as codependents anonymous and Al-anon since molding themselves to please others is a huge part of their lying addiction psyches. Learning to find out who they are and what pleases them then is vital to a successful recovery for all lying addicts.

Panda... I am really happy you had a powerful Al-Anon meeting. When we align ourselves with our higher selves in relation to our recovery, wonderful things begin to happen...

This hit the nail right on the head of what I feel like I'm going through, which is why I said some days are good and some days weren't! It seems to me that I'm constantly being kept in a defensive position. I feel every time I start to get my feet under me I get hit with something to throw me off balance, to keep me in a confused state. Maybe I am going crazy and it's all in my head, I just don't know. So Panda, it's a double edged sword, I guess it all depends on how the other person feels on any given day.

Ride the storms Colt. You can do this. Big Hug.

I'm trying and I will succeed but this yo-yoing has to stop. It's really testing my patience. This is hard enough to do on a good day.

I just listened to Change Your Mind by Sister Hazel. You’re right; does put things into perspective. I believe in staying positive but a little reflection to a song like this helps too. Recently I have been listening to “The District Sleeps Alone Tonight” by The Postal Service. I have always loved this song but now it seems so close to my situation.

Keep it up Colt. I enjoy reading about your progress.


-KenJura

Colt, recovery is like a pendulum. It swings back and forward in extremes at first but then - after a time - settles in the middle. Hang on in there. This will balance out if you keep keeping your side of the street clean.

This quote helps me when things get rough in my recovery and relationships...

“Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.” - M. Scott Peck

Big Hug.

Glad you're enjoying it Ken. I've noticed most people that come here only post once or twice then disappear. I use this as therapy and post how I feel at that moment. I hope it helps people in that they can see progress or setbacks over a longer period of time. Maybe they can see their own situation in here and kind of get a feeling on what to expect although everyone will be a little different.
Billi, that's a great quote, thank you. And I hope this pendulum at least slows down a bit soon, I'm getting dizzy lol

I hear you Colt...

I do love how you keep posting the ups and the downs. This forum desperately needs what is going on it now with people like you, Ken, Panda (I hope he's okay) and Fortunate Son. For 10 years this forum has - in the main - been a ghost town with very little if any recovery going on it at all. There was a guy called John Ramone who posted for a while but he's been gone a long time. Apart from him though, there was nothing. So it's wonderful that you and others are beginning to create a supportive community. When Ken posted that positive bookmark yesterday, that was the first time anyone had ever done anything like that on this forum and was such a breath of fresh air. Long may all this positivity and realistic recovery sharing continue!

Things went pretty well this weekend. Still up and down a bit but we made it through. Very uncomfortable with not knowing which way to turn, hope things settle down soon.

Pretty eventless week (which is good). We did have a situation where when I came home from work my wife said we need to talk, in the past my mind would have went into overdrive trying to spin a story before I had even heard what she said. This time it was just "ok, what's up?" Turns out it wasn't about me at all .