Finally letting it out

Point taken, and I totally agree. It leads me to another question. Can we ever really go back? I know it's early in my process and I'm not trying to hurry it along but can relationships ever go back to the way they were before the lying or will our spouse, loved one, friend (whichever anyone's case may be) always hold in the back of their heads our past? Can we ever really go back to the close, loving relationship we had or are we just prolonging the inevitable?

colt wrote:Point taken, and I totally agree. It leads me to another question. Can we ever really go back? I know it's early in my process and I'm not trying to hurry it along but can relationships ever go back to the way they were before the lying or will our spouse, loved one, friend (whichever anyone's case may be) always hold in the back of their heads our past? Can we ever really go back to the close, loving relationship we had or are we just prolonging the inevitable?

I think "going back" isn't the right concept. Well be "going forward". But I get your point. And in a nutshell, I think the answer is yes. It must be. But, there are some things to consider.

Our affliction is one of a rather "double whammy". Most addictions do, in one way shape or form, involve a degree is distrust and deception. Ours, is that squared, being our deception was an even greater deception. This makes the road to acceptance that much more complicated. Learning to trust someone who has gone to lengths to misportray the trust is inherently complicated.

However, I refuse to accept it is unachievable. We have an illness. A disease. A "cureable" one, at that. Just as someone with a broken arm, or cancer, or any malady can recover and regain previous health and condition- so too can we. We just need this process to occur as it comes. At our loved ones pace. Which is, of course, FAR slower than we like. But, I have read and recounted so many stories of relationships coming closer after trials such as these. It just takes time. We just should keep hope and keep the best intentions. I hope this of true of my relationship too.

I love your attitude Panda (as Colt likes to call you ). I've never known anyone on this forum have such a positive attitude towards their lying addiction and it will carry you very far in your recovery.

Colt, the trouble is that as lying addicts often become what they believe others want them to be, loved ones - once the lies come out - have absolutely no idea who they are dealing with. It frightens them that they don't know the person they loved and their anger is simply a mask for that fear. So many things go through their head once the lies are exposed that they need time, as Panda said, to process it all. In all addictions it takes time for trust to be rebuilt and lying addiction that much more so for obvious reasons. Just keep cleaning up your side of the street one day at a time and all will unfold.

Hang on in there. Lying addiction is a new concept and it will take time for people to let go of the idea that it is a moral issue.

Billi Caine wrote:I love your attitude Panda (as Colt likes to call you ). I've never known anyone on this forum have such a positive attitude towards their lying addiction and it will carry you very far in your recovery.

Colt, the trouble is that as lying addicts often become what they believe others want them to be, loved ones - once the lies come out - have absolutely no idea who they are dealing with. It frightens them that they don't know the person they loved and their anger is simply a mask for that fear. So many things go through their head once the lies are exposed that they need time, as Panda said, to process it all. In all addictions it takes time for trust to be rebuilt and lying addiction that much more so for obvious reasons. Just keep cleaning up your side of the street one day at a time and all will unfold.

Hang on in there. Lying addiction is a new concept and it will take time for people to let go of the idea that it is a moral issue.

Everyone calls me panda...

I am utterly committed to resolving this blemish in me. It WILL happen.

There is so much truth in that. "loved ones have absolutely no idea who they are dealing with. It frightens them that they don't know the person they loved ". And while, we, inside our heads realize who the *genuine* us is, they do not, and understandably so. It is infuriatingly frustrating from both sides. All that can be asked is that we are given the chance to show that we are indeed better and healed. That is my greatest hope. That the woman I love will give me the chance to prove to her that I am the man she thought I was.

High Five Panda on that sentiment! You mean business and that oozes out of you. As I said, I just love your attitude. You are not being enticed by self pity and that is the one of the hardest emotions to say no to when we as addicts of any addiction are attacked for trying to do the right thing and making amends. It makes my heart sing and gives me great hope for the future of recovery from the horrific addiction that is lying addiction.

A first happened today... For the first time ever, the words "Lying addiction" were said on a mainstream Internet radio show - by ME. I was on a show talking about the differences in care for addicts in the US and the UK and mentioned lying addiction for a split second within the concept of behavioral addictions. It was only for that split second but it was a start. Onwards and upwards...

I like the "going forward" instead of going back, it makes much more sense. As Billi said, I will just keep my side of the street clean and everything else will fall where it may. As long as I do what I can to fix this I can't control other peoples feelings or actions. This is such a complicated mess we make. Going back to your note in the wallet, I have a song I listen to quite often that puts things in perspective. Change your mind by Sister Hazel.
I bought Billi's kit and have been listening to the audios, they seem to help a lot. And congrats Billi on getting this addiction out into the mainstream, every little bit helps

I like your outlook and attitude Panda . Some days I feel the same way, others not so much. We just have to keep plugging away and do the best we can .

Thanks Colt!

colt wrote:I like the "going forward" instead of going back, it makes much more sense. As Billi said, I will just keep my side of the street clean and everything else will fall where it may. As long as I do what I can to fix this I can't control other peoples feelings or actions. This is such a complicated mess we make. Going back to your note in the wallet, I have a song I listen to quite often that puts things in perspective. Change your mind by Sister Hazel.
I bought Billi's kit and have been listening to the audios, they seem to help a lot. And congrats Billi on getting this addiction out into the mainstream, every little bit helps

Yup, that's all we can do. I like the "keeping our side of the street clean" metaphor.

And it IS such a complicated mess. Its complications that complicate a greater complication!

And yes, FINALLY getting the word out on this affliction in a reasonable light. Its about time!! In an interesting side story, I recently went to an Al-Anon meeting about a loved one, and the topic of conversation was overall honesty and lying compulsions. It was utterly amazing to hear HOW MANY people would lie for the very same rationales that I would. To impress people, for likedness, to boost esteem, or to avoid conflict. Obviously not of the caliber I did, but it was quite amazing nonetheless.

colt wrote:I like your outlook and attitude Panda . Some days I feel the same way, others not so much. We just have to keep plugging away and do the best we can .

I also, I'd like to re state the sheer benefit you have in a loved one that is working through this with you. Sadly, not all of us have this amazing support. Working through it with someone is something that has a whole other degree of fulfillment, I'd imagine.